Wow.. I'm sorry it's been so long!

January 6, 2017

I know that when I was growing up whenever I did something wrong I had to say that I was sorry. I also was taught that you give some kind of recognition and forgiveness in that moment. It didn't matter how awkward the situation was or if you said it with a scowl on your face, you just did it. If you didn't I am sure you'd be sorry later.

I've spent a lot of time thinking about apologizing with the new year taking over. The thing that they don't teach you when you're growing up is that it's not just a one time thing. The reality is that sometimes it takes us a while to learn and it's not fair to only apologize for your mistake once or only to one person. It never mattered to our parents how many times we'd done the exact same thing, we just had to say it our we'd end up with our butts in time out.

As much as I have thought about apologizing I have spent more time thinking about forgiveness. Thinking about how I have forgiven the same person over and over again for the exact same thing. How it could be years from when I last forgave someone and a similar situation happens and it sparks those feelings again. You just learn to associate your current feelings with situations you've previously had, especially if you haven't completely healed from the last experience.

Forgive every day.

Forgive the person that flipped you off as they cut you off. Forgive the person you just saw that was your high school classmate and barely acknowledged your existence. Forgive the person that offended you on social media. Forgive and apologize to anyone that you have negative thoughts about or towards. They don't even have to be out loud.

Just for your peace of mind apologize and forgive.

When I was little I rarely meant it when I apologized or forgave someone because I was still mad, but I said it anyway. Looking back it was so easy to move forward when I apologized right away or I forgave someone right away. I think that's why we're taught to apologize and forgive in the moment.

Just lay everything out on the table, take what you need, and walk away from the rest.

In all honesty that may be your only opportunity to apologize because life is so incredibly unpredictable.

No more wasted time this year. Forgive in an instant and constantly. Apologize the moment that you are wrong and don't leave anything to fate. It's time for all of us to take charge. Starting with how we treat others and ourselves.

I Am NOT a Victim

March 3, 2016

 I've recently started my own business, which has caused me to reflect a lot on myself. Here are some of the most important things that I learned about myself...

 I have been stagnant for far too long. It has become so natural, and comfortable to tell people that I'm just deciding where I want to be. That's true, and I always thought that it was better to know where you want to be than spend thousands to transfer schools later on. Here's the thing... While saving money is great, it is SO important to get out of your comfort zone. Change doesn't happen by being comfortable, or settling. The reality is, I was too scared to pick a path and then realize later on that it wasn't the right one for me. Looking back on all my decisions I have realized that I made decisions, and they weren't the right path. I have already been taking small risks all while knowing exactly which path I should really be on. I'm tired of wasting time, which is why I have picked 2 career paths and I am now deciding which one will be more financially beneficial. I AM starting school this year.

 I've found out a lot about my character, and some personal traits that I don't really like about myself. I feel like I'm more confident than I've ever been in who I am, and what I stand for. The problem is that I don't always defend the things that I care about. I don't defend my faith as much as I should. I definitely would NOT be where I am today if the LDS religion hadn't made it's way back into my daily life. Why would I not defend that in my actions, in my thoughts and in my language. It won't be an overnight transformation, but I don't want to wait any longer to make that change.

 I have been to therapy multiple times before, and it's been suggested that I have extreme emotions. I relate this to a toddler that is just learning communication skills, and hates the word no. There's no rationalizing with them. For example: If a toddler wanted a candy and the mom said that they could only have it after dinner. They don't want it after dinner, they want it NOW. This causes a temper tantrum, and screaming. On the outside it just looks irrational, but on the inside it's because we have so much emotion with no where to go. That's why children are taught communication, and different coping skills. I have had to relearn all of this, and different things that can help me overcome stressful situations in a healthy manner. I feel like there's so much room for growth in this aspect to help me better my socializing skills. I'm actually going through Dialectical Behavioral Therapy, which gives you coping methods, and healthier ways to express your emotion.

 This is probably one of the most profound self-realizations that I've had in the last month. I have become so accustomed to letting myself fall victim. Let me tell you something, I am NOT a victim... I've just let myself think that my circumstances are so much worse than everyone else's, and that I should get a break of some sort. I've sat there and thought, "I've been so helpful all my life, and I have leant a helping hand to anyone in need. I have listened to people's problems without any mention of my own. Doesn't this grant me some kind of immunity from everything bad in the world?" I have health issues, and it seems there is no shortage of those. That doesn't mean that I am allowed to take those and use them for my personal gain. I am entitled to taking care of myself, and doing what I need to do that. That's different than excusing myself from something because of my disease. I use it as a cover, when in actuality I am too scared to take the chance. I have let my diabetes cripple me, in every sense of the word. Yes, there are times that diabetes absolutely takes over, but it's my body's natural defense to keep me from dying.

 Honestly, diabetes is a huge blessing in disguise. You get more intune with your body, what you need. You're health oriented, eat healthier, and exercise. I have become a stronger person and I've met so many people, simply because they've seen my tattoo or my pump. I'm automatically in an elite group of people who have diabetes, and they're amazingly supportive. They're stories are miraculous, and I never would have heard them if I didn't have diabetes. I am NOT a victim of diabetes.  I am NOT a victim of my circumstances.

I AM NOT A VICTIM.

Giving Thanks

November 3, 2015

This last year was quite a trial for me. I had a few different health issues pop up, and they also became something I had to manage daily. The first part of 2015 I was absolutely miserable, and made everyone else miserable as well. It was hard to wake up in the mornings, because I knew I didn't even want to be around myself. I felt as if I couldn't help this terrible attitude I had, because I had all of this circumstances that would make anyone unhappy. I felt entitled to behave poorly, because I had the worst cards of anyone. It's funny, because I was actually the one who made my situation worse. I had such a poor attitude, and outlook on my life that it took over. It sent me into fits of depression, and moments when I couldn't believe this was happening to me. I didn't think I deserved to have all of these trials.

Diabetes is definitely not something I would have chosen for myself. It's a pain in the ass, (quite literally at the moment, because my last pump site there bruised) because of all the doctors, and medical expenses. I can't tell you a time, since I was diagnosed, that I've been to a doctor and not heard all of the complications diabetes could have. I can't tell you a time that I've gotten a paycheck and paying medical bills wasn't on my mind. Then there's the needles, of course. Somehow... You just get used to those.

As much as diabetes is an inconvenience, it's also a blessing. I have met so many people because of this disease. It's amazing how many people will strike up a conversation because they can see your insulin pump. They know that no matter what, they will always have that one thing in common with you. The responses that I get to my tattoo are incredible. There's so many people that say it's a great idea, and then they tell me that people my age are inspiring to the young children who were just diagnosed. Most of them are unaware that I was diagnosed recently, and haven't been living with it.

This has been a constant reason to keep me going and keep me healthy. I don't think I'd try and maintain such a healthy lifestyle if it weren't for diabetes. Not that my lifestyle is always healthy, but hey I try sometimes. I have kept learning and growing because of this illness. I learn new things all that time, and continually have opportunities to accept change. I also have an abundant amount of opportunities to control my emotions, and communicate better.

There might be a lot of things that are not ideal about having diabetes. However, there are also a lot of hidden blessings. In honor of this month being November, not only am I going to try to remain positive and give thanks, but it's also 'Diabetes Awareness Month'! To help me keep positive message me your funniest diabetes jokes. Trust me, I will know if they aren't funny.

Traveling With Diabetes

July 27, 2015

   I had the privilege last month to travel to California and be a bridesmaid for one of my best friends. Now I know how it is to travel with diabetes when you're driving. Essentially you just pack another suitcase strictly for your medical supplies. Okay, it's not that bad, but they definitely get their own carrying case.  I've researched the proper ways to travel with your supplies on dozens of websites. Most of which were blogs like mine, because what's proper is so unique to you and your situation.

    Did you guys know that diabetes changes all of the time? Your body changes so frequently that your disease adapts and changes too. If someone with diabetes tells you that they've never had to change the way they treat their disease, they're lying. Otherwise I am so impressed by them, and envy the way their body functions. Anyway, that's beside the point.

    When I get ready for a trip I have a checklist of things that I bring. I will spare you my entire list and go through strictly the medical part. ;) The first thing that I pack is my insulin. I pack a vile and then I also pack one of my pens just to make sure that I have what I need if my insulin pump malfunctions. When you're traveling with insulin they recommend that you try and keep it the same temperature. This means that when you're flying you should always take your insulin on the plane, because underneath can sometimes get really cold. Anyway, basically insulin keeps me alive so I of course am going to take it and be extra cautious.

    The next thing I always make sure to pack is a way for me to give myself the insulin. With my insulin pump I of course make sure that I pack my pump... :/ Then I pack the reservoirs for the insulin to be held in, and my infusion sets. That's the tubing and the needle that I stab into myself. With all of that I have to take my tool that helps me insert the infusion set. I really, for the life of me can't remember what it's called, and I'm not about to get up and go look. We'll just call it the poker. Since I am bringing my pens as a backup I also have to bring my pen needles, that's the part of the pen that I stab myself with. I also bring a few syringes just in case everything else fails for some reason.

   The next things that I make sure to pack are for my safety, and everyone else's. I make sure to bring a case so that I can store all of my used sharps safely until I'm home and can dispose of them properly. I won't go anywhere without my alcohol swabs. It freaks me out to think about a needle going into my body, but it freaks me out even more to think about stabbing it through dirt/sweat/whatever I got into that day on my skin. :/ Ew. I then make sure I have my glucometer (the blood checker thingy), and enough supplies for that. I need to make sure that I have enough test strips and lancets (that's the actual needle inside the pokey thing). It's also a really great idea to make sure it's fully charged before you head out.

     Anyhow, this particular trip I thought I would wear my sensor to help me keep better track of my levels. I was going to be on the go a lot and I thought it'd be really helpful. Well, with the sensor and the insulin pump there are things that could ruin it because it's so sensitive. The biggest one is to never put your insulin pump or sensor in an x-ray machine. Well, that's fine because I'll just wear it in airport security and not put it in my bag. The next problem that I faced was that there was a metal detector and then an imager. I don't fly a lot, so I'm already nervous as it is. When I asked the lady at the airport she only gave me those two options. How was I supposed to know that I could've just subjected myself to an awkward pat down??

     Really, what I'm trying to get at is I went in the imager thinking it would be fine. Well, then I just felt sick about it because I was pretty sure I had just ruined my very expensive medical devices. Luckily, I got to the airport about an hour early and my flight was delayed for 40 minutes. That means I had a good hour and a half to freak out about my airport security experience. Let me tell you, I was almost in tears in the waiting area because I really did think I ruined everything. I was calling everyone and praying, A LOT that it would work. Thankfully, I was able to calm down on the plane and my insulin pump has been fine ever since. However, when I landed my sensor actually started to malfunction so I just turned it off and I was going to test a new one when I got home. I haven't yet, because I'm terrified it's broken. I also haven't had much room to put it since I had my surgery. Let's just keep praying that it's not broken. :/

    What I'm really trying to get at with this post is that there is always a new experience to have with diabetes. It's like I get to do everything in my life for the first time, because it'll be the first time with diabetes. This flight was unfortunately not the best experience I've ever had, but at least the flight back was a lot better. Besides my awkward pat down, that I'll now be volunteering for each time to avoid any added stress. Hopefully they are always really nice ladies.
 
  

It's Been 2 Years!!



 

April 13, 2015

 

 

Hello!  It has been so long since I have written a blog post.  Now that I'm writing this I realize how much I miss it.  Last month I celebrated my 2 years with diabetes.  Now, I know that it seems a little weird to celebrate a disease that drains me of money, and energy.  However, I promise that there is reason to my madness. 

 

It's been quite a journey the last two years.  There have been a lot of hard times where I just cry and yell how much I don't want to have diabetes.  Then there have been a lot of great times where I can connect with others who have the same disease.  It's definitely been a roller coaster ride, and I still have so much to learn.  However, I am grateful for this disease, as difficult as it is sometimes.  It has provided more opportunities than I can count for growing strength, self control, and determination. 

 

In order to celebrate all of my own personal growth I asked people on Facebook how they would celebrate their 2 year diaversary.  I got quite the variety in their answers.  It ranged from taking a bath in diet coke to throwing a party.  I contemplated everything they suggested and decided to do them all.  That's right, I did absolutely every suggestion.  I of course put my own spin on a few things, but I have finally finished my diaversary bucket list. 

 

The only thing I did not get to record was something that challenged myself.  I've decided that I am going to start a 2 month workout routine called Piyo.  It's about time to get myself into shape and feel amazing about myself.  That is the only suggestion that you will not see in the video below.

 

 Yes, you read that right. I put together a video of all the ways I celebrated my 2 year diaversary.

 

Enjoy!!



 

Diaversary Video

How I Lost Five Pounds In A Day!

August 14, 2014

    I'm actually quite excited to tell you how I lost my five pounds, because they really were bothering me. I have felt very unhappy about my body. I would look at myself and all I would see was room for improvement. For what? For me to like my own body? No, I wanted other people to approve of my body. To approve of the clothes I wore, or the way I did my hair. I wanted to impress people who aren't going to matter in 5 years, hell they might not even matter in a few months. I wasn't trying to impress myself, and I'm the only one who will matter 100 years from now, because I am the only certainty in this scenario. 

    So, do you want to know how I lost those five pounds? I got rid of the scale saying that I was a normal weight. I got rid of the notion that I am going to stay the same weight, and the same size my whole life. I'm never going to stay the same, and I am so grateful for that. You can't become someone amazing, and accomplish amazing things by staying exactly the same. You have to change because there is no more room for improvement when you've perfected where you're at in your life. It may not seem like you've perfected it, because you gained those pounds or you have new circumstances pop up, but that's just the start of your new stage in life. 

   I've weighed the exact same weight for well over 5 years. I was so proud of it and I felt so accomplished, until a few days ago when I realized why I'd never gained weight. I had never exercised to maintain my weight, and I ate really whatever I wanted. I didn't take care of myself like we all should, and I realized that I didn't gain weight because I wasn't healthy. My pancreas had already started to fail me and that was the exact reason I wasn't gaining weight. I couldn't absorb any nutrients (not like I was eating right back then anyways.). I have gained 15 pounds, so what? I am healthy, I am happy, and most of all I am alive. Yes, it's a shock to gain weight and look healthy when you've been sick for so long, but it's not a bad thing. 

   I find it so sad that looking sick is considered beautiful. That being "skinny" is such a big deal that girls are willing to harm their body to get to that point. I am all for you losing weight if that's what you decide, but not because you want to impress someone, or you don't think you're beautiful the way you are. Now, I'm talking about the whole picture, not just your weight. I'm talking about inside and out. You have to be okay with yourself as a person before you go and change your appearance. My reasoning is that even if you change your appearance entirely, you'll still be unhappy with yourself, eventually. That feeling won't go away by losing weight, or getting a nose job. You aren't born thinking you're imperfect. You're born perfectly, and then you grow up and society starts showing you what's beautiful. Kids start to tease other kids because they were teased. Parents, especially mothers, complain about their appearance, and it shows kids that it's how you are supposed to be. When you were babies it was more than acceptable to look at yourself in the mirror and smile, now you'd be conceited if you did that. It's normal to look in the mirror and be completely unhappy with the person who is looking back at you, and it shouldn't be that way. Getting a nose job isn't going to help you feeling insecure as a person. It's a temporary fix to a much bigger problem. 

   This is something that I've struggled with a lot. I have a hard time not looking how I think I should. The only problem is that I look like a healthy person. No, I'm not fit, and I don't have abs or any of that, but I'm healthy. I finally have a body that is functioning and I have a hard time accepting that. I now have an artificial pancreas (my insulin pump) that is helping me live a healthier life. You know what? I struggled the first couple of days wearing it because it made me look different. On top of not having the fit body that I want I now have tubing attached to me all of the time. The other day I got my sensor put in and now I have another thing attached to me. I could hide them and make it so that no one can see them, but I am not going to do that. I don't want people with diabetes to hide it simply because it makes them different. You're different regardless of the disease that you have. Yes, I had a hard time getting used to them at first, but I am so happy to have them. I can live a normal life with less limitations now.

   Body image is a huge thing, and it's hard to look different because you have to in order to be healthy. It's even more difficult when there are people who are scared of it and so they poke fun, or they whisper to their friends. Do you know what I see when I see people in the store wearing their pumps proudly, or people with no hair? I see very incredibly strong people who aren't afraid to show the world what they've dealt with, and that they've put up a fight. I see the best advocates for everyone who is different. I see confidence, beauty, and strength. The people who are out walking around and living their lives even though they are visibly different are the ones who had something horrible happen to them, and they aren't letting it eat them alive. It's so easy to stay in your house ashamed of who you are or what you look like and everyday they make the decision to go out into the world and face the staring, whispering, and teasing because they are not afraid to fight for who they are. They are not afraid to stand up for themselves and they are not afraid of that obstacle that was put into their lives. 

   Make it a little easier for everyone to make self improvements and be happy with themselves by ending the teasing, and the body shaming. Make this world a little more inviting by not having one standard of beauty. Every single person on this planet is beautiful in their own way, and instead of trying to see that and help them see it we put them down even more. Try to start seeing everyone for what they are, human. We make mistakes, we don't look the way we think we should, and we don't act the way we should all of the time. We're all the same in that sense, and there's no reason for shaming someone because their imperfections differ from yours. 

Can We Take A Moment To Discuss Something?

June 30, 2014

 I don't write blog posts to whine or to ask for your pity. I write these posts as a form of therapy for myself. I write them in case there is someone out there who can relate to my struggles and helps with their own. I write to be a better person and to use these when I look back at the person I've transformed from. I write because it calms me, and helps me to think and see more clearly. I put some of my deepest confessions on this blog  and I don't ask for your judgment. I ask for you understanding, support, and constructive criticism. I don't want you to pity me or look down upon me. I want you to help by understanding and supporting me.

 I feel as if I have been suffocating for the last few months. The anger I have inside of me about being sick has taken over and consumed me. It's as if I am scuba diving and my only source of oxygen has been tainted. I've been struggling for as long as I can remember, but I have only suffered for the last few months. I mean really suffered. It's as if someone else is controlling my body and I am still in here just trying to force my way back into control.

 I would like to think that I have always been a positive person, and that I can find the best in any situation. That has not been the case the last few months. I have been so unbearably negative that not only do the people around me not want to be around me, but I also don't want to be around me. It's been brutal, because I like being positive. I like when people like to be around me. I like to be a happy person. I want more than anything to be that person again, but it's hard when you are being pulled down by all of the anger.

 I would love to want to be around myself again. I don't want to. I want to be positive and find the good in other people again. I want to find the positive in life again. There is a silver lining to everything in this world, and I would like to see that again. I would like to be so overwhelmingly happy that people wonder if I am on something every time they see me. I would like to be so busy finding the good in everyone and everything that I can't possibly have a bad day. I would like to be so busy helping others that I don't have problems. I want to make the world a better place no matter what I can do.

 Here's the deal, I have been very angry at being sick every single day. I have been very angry that this disease even exists. That anyone should have to deal with this. I have been angry that every single day I find out something else that could become a complication. I am sick of the bruises, the needles, and the money for it. I have just simply been sick of being sick. It's thrown me into a depressive state, and I have allowed it to. I have let it consume my everyday life, and alter my personality. Do you know what I'm really sick of? I'm sick of feeling sorry for myself. I am miserable, but the only one who made it that way, was me. I don't have a worse life than anyone, I just have the worst attitude out of everyone.

 So, I present to you, my solution. No negativity for a month. It's going to be hard at first, but then it will just be a habit after that. I'm going to drastically alter my perspective and my attitude towards life. I am spending a month finding one simple happiness every single day and documenting it. I am going to thrive with my diabetes and learn as much as I can about it. I am going to fight everyday to have control over my life, because it is just that, my life. I am going to let my passions consume me, and let it propel my life into a better place. I have talent that I have neglected, and I am not going to anymore. Everyday I will ask for strength and endurance, not the easy way out.

 "The problem is not the problem. The problem is your attitude about the problem."