I Wear My Disease On My Sleeve

February 27, 2014

 It's been a while since I actually sat down and wrote anything about my diabetes. I am going to be very honest and "wear my disease on my sleeve". I'm going to tell you what I think a lot of people experience, but don't ever say out loud. I am going to give you a look inside my life.

 A few months ago I quite literally got my disease on my sleeve. I got a tattoo as a substitute for a medical ID bracelet, necklace, etc. I got quite a few comments stating that they would now cure diabetes, since I did such a permanent alteration to my body. It was also stated that I could get it removed when they found a cure. I actually did think about the possibility of them finding a cure a lot before I got the tattoo. I decided that even if they found a cure I would not get the tattoo removed. After all it is a permanent alteration, not a temporary tattoo, it's meant for life, and I'm alright with that. I am proud to be a diabetic in all it's shapes and forms. You'll never understand until you are put in this situation (hopefully that never happens), but I'm hoping I can put it into perspective a little bit for you. I commend the people who have been doing it all of their lives, because it is not easy. They have made quite a bit of advancement in technology and medicine to help make it easier, but it is still a hard disease to have. Well, here we go.

 When you first find out that you are diabetic they start you out on a vile and syringes or an insulin pen. You have a long acting insulin that works a little bit throughout the day, and then a fast acting insulin that you inject at meal times. So, if you eat 3 meals a day that's three shots. That's a total of 4 shots a day with your long acting insulin.

 You check your blood sugar at least 4 times a day as well. Personally, I test on a different finger every time I check my blood sugar, so that means that most all of your fingers will soon have calluses and you start to feel it a little less. When you check your blood sugar if it's too high you have to correct it using a scale set differently for each individual. Depending on how high your blood sugar is you add extra insulin to the insulin you are already taking for your meal. When you are ready to eat you count all of the carbohydrates in your meal and calculate your insulin intake according to your ratio. For my meal times I do 1 unit of insulin for every 25 carbohydrates. That's when you realize every time you asked, "Will I ever really use math in every day life?" that you were just dumb for asking. Of course you are going to use math in every day life.

 You're told it's best to keep a food diary, keep track of how much insulin you're giving yourself, and keep track of what your blood sugar is each time you check it (Thankfully they have nifty glucometers that keep track of that for you). The longer I've been diabetic the more I realize how helpful that can really be. It's not a consistent disease. It's always going to vary a little bit and if you have something to compare to it's much more helpful. Sure, it's very annoying to write down what you eat and how much insulin you gave yourself, but it's helpful.

 When you go to the store it takes a lot longer because you are checking the food labels to see how many carbohydrates are in each serving size, and how many servings sizes are in each box. If you ever want to go out with your friends you need to have your insulin on you and an idea of how many carbohydrates are in the meal you're going to eat. If you are going to go on an adventure you have to think about your blood sugar and make sure that you have enough sugar around in case you were to drop from the activity. When you go to the gym you also need to make sure that your blood sugar is high enough that you won't drop while working out. If you want to go on a trip you need to make sure that you have all of your insulin, enough syringes or needle tips, enough alcohol swabs, your glucometer and some lancets just in case.

 Another thing about being diabetic is you have to have a lot of self control. It's easy to snack, but as a diabetic you need to watch your carbohydrate intake if you aren't going to take an insulin shot. You need to keep your snacking the lowest amount of carbohydrates in this case. You also need to watch your sweet intake, because they are very full of carbohydrates. This means if there is candy laying on the table you have to do your best to have tunnel vision to those low carbohydrate snacks. When you go to the store you need to ignore those candy aisles, that they seem to have for every stinking holiday. :/ You will soon be very, very good at tunnel vision.

 You are told to get your eyes checked once a year. You are more likely to lose your eyesight if your blood sugar stays consistently higher than normal. You are told to go to the doctor at least once a year. Since I first found out they have me coming in every 3 months to check in with them. The number of visits decrease the better you get at controlling your diabetes and the less you need doctors. Personally I just get annoyed of the doctors because they tell me the same thing every time, "Diabetes isn't a science and it's always changing. It's different in every person and really you just need to experiment and see what works for you." Awesome, here's a bunch of money for you to tell me that it's all on me to determine what I need. Anyways, that's a whole different subject, and I'm getting sidetracked. While you are at these visits it's best if you have them check your feet to make sure that there's no evidence of diabetic nerve pain. If your blood sugar stays consistently high you are more likely to have nerve damage and lose feeling in your feet. You are supposed to check your feet every day to make sure that you don't have any cuts or anything wrong with your feet, since as a diabetic it takes longer for your body to heal. They also suggest to you that it's best not to get pedicures or manicures because you are more likely to get an infection from a cut at a salon than anyone else, since your immune system also starts to suffer from diabetes. Also, when you go in to the doctor they like to check your cholesterol because with diabetes you really don't want it high, because it will increase your likeliness of having heart problems. Another thing you have to be aware of is that if your blood sugar is consistently higher than what it should be you are more likely to have kidney problems. If your blood sugar gets way too high you will most likely go into a diabetic coma or be rushed to the ER. Are you sensing the pattern here? You shouldn't have high blood sugar because it can result in several problems.

 So, let's just pump ourselves full of insulin, right? Wrong. It's also very unhealthy to drop too low. It gets very scary, because your body is so weak and you stop being coherent at a certain point. You could also go into a diabetic coma from being to low, and more than likely be rushed to the ER. This is why you check your blood sugar any time you are feeling even the least bit off. Now, there are some people that are very in tune with their body and know exactly what their blood sugar is. Props to them because they have obviously been diabetic for a very long time. So, the goal here is to stay low but not too low, but you also don't want to be too high either. You have to somehow find the middle. You have to find the perfect insulin ratio and adjust your insulin scale if you need more insulin to help correct your high blood sugar. You have to eat right, but don't cut out carbohydrates altogether because you need that nourishment. You also want to stay consistent with your insulin intake. That means that sure you could go out once in a while and have a big meal full of carbohydrates, but usually you want to eat around the same amount of carbohydrates for every meal. The gym is also very important for you because you want to stay fit. The gym actually helps your body function properly, and helps act as a form of insulin in itself.

 Now, to the real point of this post. I am so proud to show my tattoo and let people know that I'm diabetic, but I usually add that I'm not a very good diabetic. I've thought about it a lot the last few days and I don't agree with myself anymore. There is no such thing as a good or bad diabetic, there just is. I honestly think that at some point in every diabetics life they have been a bad diabetic. That's okay. We're human and we are aloud to make mistakes and learn in our own ways. I have learned in my own way. This next part is very hard for me to say, because I'm not proud of it. I know better. The last few months I have stopped caring about being diabetic. I have been in denial that I even need to give myself shots or check my blood sugar. I know that I've had problems with this before, but it's never been this severe. I've been very sick, and have started to have a lot more health problems. I stopped going to the gym, and basically all I ever did was worked, ate, and slept. I slept more than usual because my body was working so hard to regulate my blood sugar. I had absolutely no energy, or ambition. I got very lazy and started to give up on more than being diabetic. I had no aspirations or goals. My only goal was to go to work. That was it for months.

 I know you must be thinking, "How could you just give up like that?" Well, the answer is simple. Being diabetic is hard. It's a lot of extra work everyday to function like everyone else. It's 5 extra minutes before meals to check your blood sugar, count your carbohydrates, and calculate how much insulin to give yourself. I was told by multiple doctors how important it was to check my blood sugar and give myself insulin, but I already knew that. I knew what could happen if I had consistent high blood sugar, I knew the risks. It's very easy for someone to tell you to check your blood sugar and give yourself insulin, and that is simply because they aren't on the other end of the needles. They don't have to count their carbohydrates or calculate insulin intake to make up for a disease you had absolutely no say in having. It ultimately comes down to how healthy you want to be and what kind of life you want to be living. Diabetes can either control your life or you can control your diabetes. Even people who have had diabetes for years and years get fed up and stop taking care of themselves. It's easy to do, but it's a lot harder to control it.

 They always say that the best things in life don't come easy. It's 100% true. I'm back to checking my blood sugar, giving myself insulin, and eating right. I can already start to tell a difference in my energy level, my ambitions, and my attitude. Sure, I didn't have to poke myself for a few months, but it came at a price. I started to have a lot of pain in my feet and it was hard to work and be on my feet. I started to have my chest pains again, and back pains. I have to up my insulin intake and experiment even more on how much I need. I am having major sugar withdrawals, because I was literally addicted to sugar. I am very slowly getting hydrated again. It was to the point that I needed to take a drink of water every 5 minutes so I didn't feel thirsty. I have to start all over again with my gym routine and slowly work back into it. My immune system took a hit from being so sick all of the time and I got another condition that made it hard to go to the gym. I have costochondritis or pericarditis which is inflammation in the chest wall or in the sack around your heart. It's very painful and it makes it hard to be physically active. I'll just throw this last one out here, since it's very true, I started to get chunky since I stopped being a "good" diabetic. I took 3 steps backwards instead of moving forward.

 Yes, I should have been better about taking insulin, and checking my blood sugar. I should have eaten better and gone to the gym. There are a lot of things I should have done better, but I have learned a lot from this experience. I have gotten a taste of what could happen if I kept going like this, or what I would have to look forward to in my future if I ever chose to do this again. I've learned the importance of an exercise routine, eating right, and taking care of your illnesses properly. I've also learned that I shouldn't be so hard on myself. I am doing the best I can to take control of something I had no control over. I've learned that there is no sense in judging anyone on how they take care of themselves, because it simply doesn't help. The only thing you can do is help support and encourage them to do the best they can. I've learned that even the veterans of diabetes have their moments where they don't take care of themselves, for whatever reason. I've also learned that I am not the only one who struggles in controlling their disease instead of letting it control them.

 I feel a lot more determined now that I've experienced all of this. I am a lot less hard on myself, and I feel like I have a clear head to move forward. I can control this as easily as it controlled me the last few months. I am proud to be a diabetic in all shapes and forms, because we are very strong, determined, and human.

Here's to happy, healthy, new me.