If I'm Being Completely Honest...

Before you read this I need you to know how hard this was for me to write. I need you to know that this has been saved as a draft for over a month. That I've just now gotten the courage to finish writing this and publish it. I am not proud of the first paragraph, but it happened and I've moved past it. I don't need any lectures or anything of that type because I know it wasn't the smartest thing in the world and I've learned from it and moved on.

August 1, 2013
 If I were to be completely honest I would tell you that this diabetes is kicking my butt. If I were being completely honest I'd tell you that I am trying to avoid it.. I'm trying to avoid being a diabetic. That every day I am terrified of what my future holds and how having diabetes will impact it. I like to act like everyone else and do what they do but I think it's taking its toll. I did so well at the beginning and then I started to forget my insulin and I didn't actually need it. I went back to normal levels and I was fine. I stopped taking it and I was fine.. Then I eventually stopped checking my blood sugar regularly.. Two very bad ideas. Even though I was fine and I am still relatively healthy I can tell the difference. I feel a lot different and healthy when I am watching my blood sugar and taking insulin. Even though I don't need to take it to get my blood sugar down it does help my body not work so hard. I think it will help start getting my emotions at a steady level. I've been hoping that by some freak accident I'm actually type 2 and I just eat healthy and I don't have to worry about it. I'm not. I had a test done and I'm definitely type 1, I just am having an incredible "honeymoon" phase.

 If I were to be completely honest I would tell you that I have been completely selfish about my diabetes. I don't want to have it and so I've avoided it. I've only taken care of it when it was high or low. I haven't been consistent and I have been making it so there are more highs and lows by not being consistent. I have been selfish because I have a very promising life ahead of me and I have been foolish looking past that to live in the moment. I know that most the time it's great to live in the moment and cherish every second you have, but I need to live in those moments making it so I have that many more moments to look forward to. I shouldn't just brush it off as if diabetes is no big deal. It's a huge deal and it's having an impact on every aspect of my life. I'm being selfish because when I have children in the future I need to be healthy and the best way to have healthy pregnancies is doing everything I can now to be healthy. I know it's far off into the future but I need to think about these things. I need to care more about myself for the sake of my children. I also want them to have someone to look up to and really admire. I don't want to be unhealthy and teach them that lifestyle because I don't want them to live that lifestyle. I also have to think what happens if my children are diabetic? I have to be able to handle mine so that I can help them handle theirs. I want to be a good influence and example for my children.

 I need to do this for me and my future and the people that are going to be in my future. I hate the way that I feel when I'm not taking care of myself. You can tell a difference between an unhealthy life and a healthy one and it's monumental. I don't want to keep going back to the doctor so frequently because I keep having health issues. I am nineteen years old. I have a whole future and a lot of ambitions that can't be stopped by health issues.

 If I were to be completely honest I would tell you how much having diabetes has really frustrated and hurt me. I've been in a rut and I have never wanted to be so blatantly against my own disease. I want to have a positive outlook on this because it really isn't  all bad. I am getting healthy, getting in shape, eating right, and being happy. What more could you honestly ask for? It's time to:

• Exercise regularly
• Eat healthy
• Have scheduled meals
• Check my blood sugar regularly
• Use my insulin daily
• Cut out sugar
• Be positive! 

 I'm doing all this because it's better for me. I don't have to do this. I can sit and eat sugar all day and be really ill and shorten my life. I can definitely do that, but I don't want to. I don't want anything to hold me back and I don't want to have any regrets later on in my life. I'm doing this because I want to. I want a better life and a better future. I don't have to be fearful for my future with diabetes because I'm doing everything I can now to help prevent those future complications. If they happen later on in my life then there is a reason. There is something I was supposed to learn from it, just like all the things I'm learning from this. I have incredible self-control it's just a matter of believing in myself enough to do this. No one is going to do this for me. This isn't something that people can encourage me to do and push me along. I'm either going to do it or I'm not.  I am stronger than I have ever given myself credit for and now it's time to see just how strong I really am.