Can We Take A Moment To Discuss Something?

June 30, 2014

 I don't write blog posts to whine or to ask for your pity. I write these posts as a form of therapy for myself. I write them in case there is someone out there who can relate to my struggles and helps with their own. I write to be a better person and to use these when I look back at the person I've transformed from. I write because it calms me, and helps me to think and see more clearly. I put some of my deepest confessions on this blog  and I don't ask for your judgment. I ask for you understanding, support, and constructive criticism. I don't want you to pity me or look down upon me. I want you to help by understanding and supporting me.

 I feel as if I have been suffocating for the last few months. The anger I have inside of me about being sick has taken over and consumed me. It's as if I am scuba diving and my only source of oxygen has been tainted. I've been struggling for as long as I can remember, but I have only suffered for the last few months. I mean really suffered. It's as if someone else is controlling my body and I am still in here just trying to force my way back into control.

 I would like to think that I have always been a positive person, and that I can find the best in any situation. That has not been the case the last few months. I have been so unbearably negative that not only do the people around me not want to be around me, but I also don't want to be around me. It's been brutal, because I like being positive. I like when people like to be around me. I like to be a happy person. I want more than anything to be that person again, but it's hard when you are being pulled down by all of the anger.

 I would love to want to be around myself again. I don't want to. I want to be positive and find the good in other people again. I want to find the positive in life again. There is a silver lining to everything in this world, and I would like to see that again. I would like to be so overwhelmingly happy that people wonder if I am on something every time they see me. I would like to be so busy finding the good in everyone and everything that I can't possibly have a bad day. I would like to be so busy helping others that I don't have problems. I want to make the world a better place no matter what I can do.

 Here's the deal, I have been very angry at being sick every single day. I have been very angry that this disease even exists. That anyone should have to deal with this. I have been angry that every single day I find out something else that could become a complication. I am sick of the bruises, the needles, and the money for it. I have just simply been sick of being sick. It's thrown me into a depressive state, and I have allowed it to. I have let it consume my everyday life, and alter my personality. Do you know what I'm really sick of? I'm sick of feeling sorry for myself. I am miserable, but the only one who made it that way, was me. I don't have a worse life than anyone, I just have the worst attitude out of everyone.

 So, I present to you, my solution. No negativity for a month. It's going to be hard at first, but then it will just be a habit after that. I'm going to drastically alter my perspective and my attitude towards life. I am spending a month finding one simple happiness every single day and documenting it. I am going to thrive with my diabetes and learn as much as I can about it. I am going to fight everyday to have control over my life, because it is just that, my life. I am going to let my passions consume me, and let it propel my life into a better place. I have talent that I have neglected, and I am not going to anymore. Everyday I will ask for strength and endurance, not the easy way out.

 "The problem is not the problem. The problem is your attitude about the problem." 

Help!

June 19, 2014

 Lately I have been very self conscious about everything that I do. I worry that people take pity on me because of my disease. I sometimes don't get included in physically straining activities because my blood sugar could possibly drop. I feel like I get singled out a lot for things that I can't control. If I don't wear makeup and my blood sugar is high, I look very ill, and tired. People seem to notice that quite a lot, and never really understand what it means. If my blood sugar is low, my face will go white as a sheet and I become very weak. I think that people sometimes mistake my appearances, and my weakness during a low blood sugar episode as how I am all of the time. I have struggled a lot recently because I am just trying to get a handle on everything. I am not used to the highs and lows. I am not used to my emotions that are in direct relation to my blood sugar. I am not used to smiling all of the time when I am physically ill at least once a day, every day. I am not used to being angry for no reason, other than high blood sugar. I am not used to being irrational because my blood sugar is low. I appreciate very much everyone who takes the time to notice that I am not feeling well and trying to help. I also appreciate the people who don't notice and expect me to be the same as I always am, no matter how much I want to deck them at the time for not understanding. I am not a weak person, even when I am weak. I would rather push myself to my limits, just to see what my limits are.

 I have been reading a lot of blogs and articles in relation to diabetes, and people's experiences with it. Even if I know everything that they are writing about, I find it comforting to know that I am not alone in my battles. Even though everyone is having different battles, I know that we are facing very similar things. I take comfort in that, and I keep reading because those people were vulnerable and put their words out into the world, simply because they thought that someone was worth helping. I used to be very stubborn about asking for help. I knew I was a strong person from the very beginning, but I have recently come to realize that the most strong people are the ones who put their pride aside and ask for assistance when they need it. I am not ashamed to ask for help anymore, because I know that the one's who help me believe that I am worth helping. The one's who help show that there is truly amazing people left in this world. The one's who help give me hope.

I've Finally Found It!

June 6, 2014

I competed last year in the Miss Utah USA pageant for my very first time. I thought I would only do it the one time, and then I would just call it good. Well, after I did the pageant I realized how life changing it is. It's not about dressing up and looking pretty. It's about the preparation beforehand. It gives you practice on your interview skills, it helps you manage your time, talking to strangers becomes a breeze, your confidence increases tremendously, and you become the healthiest version of yourself. It was an experience that I could never replace. I don't think there is anything in this world that challenges you quite like a pageant. It really was a very rewarding experience for me. I debated for months after the pageant if I would compete again, and I just felt like I should. I knew I needed a goal for this year, and I have finally decided what it is. I couldn't be more excited!

This year I will have my insulin pump and I plan on wearing it the entire competition. I will be wearing it on stage in swimwear, and evening gown. This year my goal is not to win the pageant, it's to merely be on the stage with my pump. Let me tell you why this is so important to me.

Diabetes is not a glamorous disease by any means. You have to give yourself shots, check your blood sugar by pricking your finger, and changing the site of your insulin pump. You can get bruises from your shots. You get little red marks from every shot you take, at least for a little while. Your fingers are callused from all of the finger pricks, and you can see the marks from the lancet. When you change the site for your insulin pump you will have scars (Not something I know firsthand, yet). There is tubing attached to your pump that is your new favorite accessory. To sum it up for you, diabetes is far from a glamorous disease. Being someone who has diabetes, and is involved in pageantry it makes sense to me that I should proudly showcase both of them.

My goal this year is to make such an ugly disease as glamorous as I possibly can. To bring awareness to all that you deal with as a diabetic, and hopefully open some eyes to the disease.

The statement I'd like to make with my insulin pump, is that you are beautiful no matter the disease, no matter the shape, no matter the terminal illness. No matter who you are, you are a beautiful person, inside and out.

I'm embracing this disease that I was given. It's going to be one of my strongest passions, and the best way of living. I am going to do something to help others. To help little girls who might not find themselves appealing simply because of the pump they wear that keeps them alive. Actually, to help anyone who struggles with their image based on something that's attached to them.

There's no cure for type 1 diabetes. There is a cure for the insecurities attached to it.


If you'd like to follow my journey with the pageant this year I'll be posting more to my Facebook page.


If you'd like to help support me this year I am asking for donations for the fees of the venue, and my dress you can go here: http://www.gofundme.com/KarrieForMissUT2015

Everything that is donated, and all of the sponsors I gain, I plan on paying it forward 100%. There will be more to come on how in a few weeks. Thank you in advance for all of your support.