I Wear My Disease On My Sleeve

February 27, 2014

 It's been a while since I actually sat down and wrote anything about my diabetes. I am going to be very honest and "wear my disease on my sleeve". I'm going to tell you what I think a lot of people experience, but don't ever say out loud. I am going to give you a look inside my life.

 A few months ago I quite literally got my disease on my sleeve. I got a tattoo as a substitute for a medical ID bracelet, necklace, etc. I got quite a few comments stating that they would now cure diabetes, since I did such a permanent alteration to my body. It was also stated that I could get it removed when they found a cure. I actually did think about the possibility of them finding a cure a lot before I got the tattoo. I decided that even if they found a cure I would not get the tattoo removed. After all it is a permanent alteration, not a temporary tattoo, it's meant for life, and I'm alright with that. I am proud to be a diabetic in all it's shapes and forms. You'll never understand until you are put in this situation (hopefully that never happens), but I'm hoping I can put it into perspective a little bit for you. I commend the people who have been doing it all of their lives, because it is not easy. They have made quite a bit of advancement in technology and medicine to help make it easier, but it is still a hard disease to have. Well, here we go.

 When you first find out that you are diabetic they start you out on a vile and syringes or an insulin pen. You have a long acting insulin that works a little bit throughout the day, and then a fast acting insulin that you inject at meal times. So, if you eat 3 meals a day that's three shots. That's a total of 4 shots a day with your long acting insulin.

 You check your blood sugar at least 4 times a day as well. Personally, I test on a different finger every time I check my blood sugar, so that means that most all of your fingers will soon have calluses and you start to feel it a little less. When you check your blood sugar if it's too high you have to correct it using a scale set differently for each individual. Depending on how high your blood sugar is you add extra insulin to the insulin you are already taking for your meal. When you are ready to eat you count all of the carbohydrates in your meal and calculate your insulin intake according to your ratio. For my meal times I do 1 unit of insulin for every 25 carbohydrates. That's when you realize every time you asked, "Will I ever really use math in every day life?" that you were just dumb for asking. Of course you are going to use math in every day life.

 You're told it's best to keep a food diary, keep track of how much insulin you're giving yourself, and keep track of what your blood sugar is each time you check it (Thankfully they have nifty glucometers that keep track of that for you). The longer I've been diabetic the more I realize how helpful that can really be. It's not a consistent disease. It's always going to vary a little bit and if you have something to compare to it's much more helpful. Sure, it's very annoying to write down what you eat and how much insulin you gave yourself, but it's helpful.

 When you go to the store it takes a lot longer because you are checking the food labels to see how many carbohydrates are in each serving size, and how many servings sizes are in each box. If you ever want to go out with your friends you need to have your insulin on you and an idea of how many carbohydrates are in the meal you're going to eat. If you are going to go on an adventure you have to think about your blood sugar and make sure that you have enough sugar around in case you were to drop from the activity. When you go to the gym you also need to make sure that your blood sugar is high enough that you won't drop while working out. If you want to go on a trip you need to make sure that you have all of your insulin, enough syringes or needle tips, enough alcohol swabs, your glucometer and some lancets just in case.

 Another thing about being diabetic is you have to have a lot of self control. It's easy to snack, but as a diabetic you need to watch your carbohydrate intake if you aren't going to take an insulin shot. You need to keep your snacking the lowest amount of carbohydrates in this case. You also need to watch your sweet intake, because they are very full of carbohydrates. This means if there is candy laying on the table you have to do your best to have tunnel vision to those low carbohydrate snacks. When you go to the store you need to ignore those candy aisles, that they seem to have for every stinking holiday. :/ You will soon be very, very good at tunnel vision.

 You are told to get your eyes checked once a year. You are more likely to lose your eyesight if your blood sugar stays consistently higher than normal. You are told to go to the doctor at least once a year. Since I first found out they have me coming in every 3 months to check in with them. The number of visits decrease the better you get at controlling your diabetes and the less you need doctors. Personally I just get annoyed of the doctors because they tell me the same thing every time, "Diabetes isn't a science and it's always changing. It's different in every person and really you just need to experiment and see what works for you." Awesome, here's a bunch of money for you to tell me that it's all on me to determine what I need. Anyways, that's a whole different subject, and I'm getting sidetracked. While you are at these visits it's best if you have them check your feet to make sure that there's no evidence of diabetic nerve pain. If your blood sugar stays consistently high you are more likely to have nerve damage and lose feeling in your feet. You are supposed to check your feet every day to make sure that you don't have any cuts or anything wrong with your feet, since as a diabetic it takes longer for your body to heal. They also suggest to you that it's best not to get pedicures or manicures because you are more likely to get an infection from a cut at a salon than anyone else, since your immune system also starts to suffer from diabetes. Also, when you go in to the doctor they like to check your cholesterol because with diabetes you really don't want it high, because it will increase your likeliness of having heart problems. Another thing you have to be aware of is that if your blood sugar is consistently higher than what it should be you are more likely to have kidney problems. If your blood sugar gets way too high you will most likely go into a diabetic coma or be rushed to the ER. Are you sensing the pattern here? You shouldn't have high blood sugar because it can result in several problems.

 So, let's just pump ourselves full of insulin, right? Wrong. It's also very unhealthy to drop too low. It gets very scary, because your body is so weak and you stop being coherent at a certain point. You could also go into a diabetic coma from being to low, and more than likely be rushed to the ER. This is why you check your blood sugar any time you are feeling even the least bit off. Now, there are some people that are very in tune with their body and know exactly what their blood sugar is. Props to them because they have obviously been diabetic for a very long time. So, the goal here is to stay low but not too low, but you also don't want to be too high either. You have to somehow find the middle. You have to find the perfect insulin ratio and adjust your insulin scale if you need more insulin to help correct your high blood sugar. You have to eat right, but don't cut out carbohydrates altogether because you need that nourishment. You also want to stay consistent with your insulin intake. That means that sure you could go out once in a while and have a big meal full of carbohydrates, but usually you want to eat around the same amount of carbohydrates for every meal. The gym is also very important for you because you want to stay fit. The gym actually helps your body function properly, and helps act as a form of insulin in itself.

 Now, to the real point of this post. I am so proud to show my tattoo and let people know that I'm diabetic, but I usually add that I'm not a very good diabetic. I've thought about it a lot the last few days and I don't agree with myself anymore. There is no such thing as a good or bad diabetic, there just is. I honestly think that at some point in every diabetics life they have been a bad diabetic. That's okay. We're human and we are aloud to make mistakes and learn in our own ways. I have learned in my own way. This next part is very hard for me to say, because I'm not proud of it. I know better. The last few months I have stopped caring about being diabetic. I have been in denial that I even need to give myself shots or check my blood sugar. I know that I've had problems with this before, but it's never been this severe. I've been very sick, and have started to have a lot more health problems. I stopped going to the gym, and basically all I ever did was worked, ate, and slept. I slept more than usual because my body was working so hard to regulate my blood sugar. I had absolutely no energy, or ambition. I got very lazy and started to give up on more than being diabetic. I had no aspirations or goals. My only goal was to go to work. That was it for months.

 I know you must be thinking, "How could you just give up like that?" Well, the answer is simple. Being diabetic is hard. It's a lot of extra work everyday to function like everyone else. It's 5 extra minutes before meals to check your blood sugar, count your carbohydrates, and calculate how much insulin to give yourself. I was told by multiple doctors how important it was to check my blood sugar and give myself insulin, but I already knew that. I knew what could happen if I had consistent high blood sugar, I knew the risks. It's very easy for someone to tell you to check your blood sugar and give yourself insulin, and that is simply because they aren't on the other end of the needles. They don't have to count their carbohydrates or calculate insulin intake to make up for a disease you had absolutely no say in having. It ultimately comes down to how healthy you want to be and what kind of life you want to be living. Diabetes can either control your life or you can control your diabetes. Even people who have had diabetes for years and years get fed up and stop taking care of themselves. It's easy to do, but it's a lot harder to control it.

 They always say that the best things in life don't come easy. It's 100% true. I'm back to checking my blood sugar, giving myself insulin, and eating right. I can already start to tell a difference in my energy level, my ambitions, and my attitude. Sure, I didn't have to poke myself for a few months, but it came at a price. I started to have a lot of pain in my feet and it was hard to work and be on my feet. I started to have my chest pains again, and back pains. I have to up my insulin intake and experiment even more on how much I need. I am having major sugar withdrawals, because I was literally addicted to sugar. I am very slowly getting hydrated again. It was to the point that I needed to take a drink of water every 5 minutes so I didn't feel thirsty. I have to start all over again with my gym routine and slowly work back into it. My immune system took a hit from being so sick all of the time and I got another condition that made it hard to go to the gym. I have costochondritis or pericarditis which is inflammation in the chest wall or in the sack around your heart. It's very painful and it makes it hard to be physically active. I'll just throw this last one out here, since it's very true, I started to get chunky since I stopped being a "good" diabetic. I took 3 steps backwards instead of moving forward.

 Yes, I should have been better about taking insulin, and checking my blood sugar. I should have eaten better and gone to the gym. There are a lot of things I should have done better, but I have learned a lot from this experience. I have gotten a taste of what could happen if I kept going like this, or what I would have to look forward to in my future if I ever chose to do this again. I've learned the importance of an exercise routine, eating right, and taking care of your illnesses properly. I've also learned that I shouldn't be so hard on myself. I am doing the best I can to take control of something I had no control over. I've learned that there is no sense in judging anyone on how they take care of themselves, because it simply doesn't help. The only thing you can do is help support and encourage them to do the best they can. I've learned that even the veterans of diabetes have their moments where they don't take care of themselves, for whatever reason. I've also learned that I am not the only one who struggles in controlling their disease instead of letting it control them.

 I feel a lot more determined now that I've experienced all of this. I am a lot less hard on myself, and I feel like I have a clear head to move forward. I can control this as easily as it controlled me the last few months. I am proud to be a diabetic in all shapes and forms, because we are very strong, determined, and human.

Here's to happy, healthy, new me. 

Today's Word Of The Day: Understanding.

February 11, 2014

 I could have gone my whole life ignoring the commercials about insulin, diabetic nerve pain, and all of the other commercials that spend more time laying out the side effects than the actual product. I could have spent my entire life knowing absolutely nothing about diabetes. I never once paid attention to any diabetes commercials. Now that I have been diagnosed anytime I hear the word diabetes, insulin, nerve pain, anything of that sort, my ears perk right up and I tune out everything else. It's important now, but shouldn't it have always been important? Shouldn't it have meant something to me that there were people in the world struggling like that? I guess it is easy to ignore the struggles in life, unless they're your own. It seems to be that whenever an individual struggles they have the toughest life of anyone, and they're going to let every one know. I'm definitely guilty of doing this. Everyone is important, everyone's struggles matter, that should never change.

 That's one thing I have enjoyed about having diabetes, is that I sympathize a little more with a lot more people. I know that life is hard and we are all just trying to get by. It really is true that you should never judge someone for how they live, because you don't know how much they are struggling. I honestly hope that I am the only one who has had to come to the realization that I am not the only one in the world struggling. My problems are not the only problems that matter. I know that there are people out there who could also have this wake-up call, I just hope that it happens soon. I think that the world would be a much better place if we all were a little more understanding and a lot less judgmental.

What A Whirlwind!

September 17, 2013
Wow, what a week already! There has been so much that I've come to realize and appreciate. First off, I want you all to know how amazing the people in my life are. They are so supportive in everything that I do and have faith I can do it even when I'm doubting myself. They inspire me and encourage me to be the best that I can be and they are so willing to stand by me and cheer me on. I don't know where I'd be without them. I love that I have all of this support and I don't take that for granted one bit. I truly am so blessed.
I am also so excited for the opportunity to be in the Miss Utah 2014 pageant. It's propelling me forward and making me want to be a better person. It's making my wheels turn about all of the charities, fundraisers, and amazing opportunities to help but never knew how. I'm so excited to see where this pageant goes but I know even if I don't become Miss Utah 2014 I am going to throw myself into charity work. It's my passion and I just want to help.

  Now for my gym post.. I was so excited to walk into the gym today. I'm putting in a lot of work to become the most fit I can be. I'm eating right and putting my time in at the gym. I am loving working out and having my body sore. I love knowing that all of this hard work is going to pay off. In a little over a month I'm going to be on stage in a swimsuit and all this time at the gym and eating right will give me the confidence to stand there and be judged. It's helping my diabetes immensely. I have kept a steady blood sugar and eating right has been so helpful. I can honestly say I'm rocking my diabetes. It's a part of me now. It's who I am and it's helped define me as a person believe it or not. It's qho I am but I'm definitely owning it. I can't even express my excitement for my physical changes. The best I can do is tell you I honestly can't stop smiling and I want to jump up and down just thinking about it!

 Last but not least, I'm loving this new person that I am. I've let go of the people who weren't pushing me forward. The ones who had little to no words of encouragement. I quit my job and I'm starting a new one in a week that I am more than thrilled about. I have so much more confidence in the person I am. Looking back at who I was and who I am now there is a remarkable change. I still have a lot to work on for myself but I overall am proud of who I am and how far I've come.

 Confidence, strength and gratitude is something I'll be striving for everyday of my life. I'll never stop trying to improve myself. I'm more than excited for the changes! :)

I'll Tell You Why..

September 14, 2013
 I never really thought I needed to participate in walks to cure anything. I thought that the people who were involved already were enough. I always thought they were great causes and felt bad but that was the extent of it. These walks and donation fundraisers are so very, very important and I'll tell you why. They help raise money to find solutions, they help raise awareness, and they help you to care. I know you're probably thinking these are all very well known facts. They are, you're absolutely right, but have you ever taken the time to think about it? Have you taken the time to think about the lives these diseases take over? I never really did. I never put myself in their shoes because I was completely healthy. I've never had to deal with it and so I never took time out of my day to consider what these people are facing. Let me tell you how wrong I was.. Take the time and think about what these people are dealing with. Their everyday lives is something you could never even fathom. Everyday they aren't just worried about the weather or their jobs or drama, everyday they are fighting for their lives.

 I never really thought much of what people deal with when they have an illness until I was diagnosed with diabetes. I knew it sucked from the very beginning, I knew it'd be very hard and something I'd have to work at everyday. I took it in stride and accepted that it was just my new lifestyle. I never thought about how serious it was until I signed up for the Walk to Cure Diabetes. I never thought of how it changed other's lives until I signed up. I give myself 4 shots a day and prick my finger at least the same. I can not even imagine a little kid having to do this. Having to learn how to give themselves shots and make sure they keep an eye on their blood sugar. Having parents who have to do this for their young kids until they can for themselves. The worst being that these children don't even know any different. They don't know what it's like to not have to worry about their blood sugar or making sure they have enough insulin. That's just their life. Granted they are probably really good at managing it and it isn't really a huge life change, but there are people who do have to go through that life change.

 Diabetes is very serious.. You never really think too much about it because you don't have to. I know I never thought it was too serious before I had it. I couldn't have been more wrong. It is scary and a hard adjustment. It's something that I wouldn't wish upon anyone. Please take the time to think about these families and the people that suffer from serious illnesses and do everything you can to help them out. Donate to those jars to help cure cancer or diabetes. Take time out of your day to go to a fundraiser to help raise money. Help raise awareness by being aware yourself. Technology is evolving and we are getting smarter as a species. We should be able to fight these diseases! There is a cure out there somewhere and we all need to come together to help find it. Donating and taking time out of your schedule to go on a walk to show your support is a way to come together. I couldn't be more excited to participate in my first Walk to Cure Diabetes on September 28. I am sure this won't be my last walk or my last fundraising effort. There's so much to fight for and I won't stop helping those who can't help themselves.

 If you want to participate with me in this walk it's on September 28 at Willow Park in Logan. Registration starts at 9 and the walk is at 10. My wonderful sister-in-law has set up a team called 'Hunt for a cure'. You're welcome to sign up under this or be a virtual walker and just donate to the cause under our team name. There are many walks to cure diabetes and in many different places.
http://www2.jdrf.org/site/PageServer?pagename=walk_homepage
That's the link to find out more information on different walks and register for this one. You can also donate on this page at any time. I am so excited to participate and I hope to see a lot of you there!

My New Adventure!

September 6, 2013
 This year I'm competing in the Miss Utah USA Pageant! I've never really been a pageant girl or even given it much thought, but let me just tell you how excited I am! This is a really great opportunity and there's so much I can learn from this. I'll gain more self confidence and learn how to present myself with pride. Something that not a lot of people know how to do. I don't think that we give ourselves enough credit. We are all incredible in our own way and we hardly ever show it. We need to be proud of who we are and walk tall everywhere we go. This is something that I'm going to learn and something I find indispensable.

 Another thing that I will learn and use in my everyday life is I'll learn how to better communicate. It's scary talking to people sometimes, especially when the conversation involves you talking highly of yourself. Society makes it hard sometimes because they want you to be proud and confident, yet when you are they call you conceited and cocky. However, when you are in an interview process what you need to do is speak highly of yourself and tell them you are the right one for this job by telling them what makes you great. This is a skill that I'm going to learn from this pageant that I will use the rest of my life. Something I couldn't be more grateful to learn.

 I know that pageants have a bad representation for being completely about looks and they aren't really substantial or count for anything. I don't think that could be more wrong. Yes, they are looking for an attractive person to represent the state. No, it's not only the way you look that makes you attractive. They're looking for someone with a good looking appearance, but they're also looking for someone with the personality to match. They're looking for people who can hold their own and know how to represent themselves in the best way so they can represent the whole state. They are looking for girls who are physically fit and care about the way they look and feel. I think that is another great reason for doing this pageant. I have gone to the gym and exercised and become a more healthy version of myself. Not solely because of this pageant, but it was an excellent push to get me back into the gym.

 I haven't been in any pageants and I don't know what they're like exactly, all I do know is that I know this will be an amazing opportunity and I will learn so much from it. I already have learned so much just in the preparation process. I'm more confident and I'm more organized and head strong. I already like what this pageant is doing for me, simply making me a better version of myself.

 I'm so excited that I want to take you all along this journey with me through my posts and Facebook updates! I have a new page up the web address is https://www.facebook.com/khformissutah2014. I'll be posting inspirational quotes and letting you know what the next step is for the pageant. If you want to help even more I have been out looking for sponsors to help fund all of the pageant fees that I'll run into. Any little bit helps and I am more than grateful to any help you are willing to give. I set up an account with America First that I am collecting donations in. All of the donations I receive will go strictly to the pageant. However, I am not going to go overboard with expenses I don't need, so if there is more money left over from this then I will be donating all of that to a charity. I like to work for what I have and since this is out of the goodness of other people's hearts I will be paying this forward in some way. If you want to donate the account number at America First is: 28077626

Thank you so much for  your support!

If There's Something Wrong, No One Can Tell You.

August 22, 2013
 I have been to the doctor more times than most people in this last year. I have had numerous things wrong and only gotten a few answers. I've had the same pains for over a year and a half and no one can give me an explanation. The pain has traveled and gotten worse at some points. It's also gotten better at other points. There's no rhyme or reason or any visible pattern so it makes it hard for the doctors to diagnose. They've run more tests than I can count and ones I can't even pronounce. So far everything has come back perfectly. I am all around healthy other than my diabetes.

 Their latest theory is that I have a disease called Celiac. That would mean that I would have another life altering diet change. Nothing with gluten in it. I am still waiting for the results to find out if I do have it or not. If this is the case then I will have to do some major studying on my new diet change. Hopefully I'll just have answers. That's all I hope for at this point.

If I'm Being Completely Honest...

Before you read this I need you to know how hard this was for me to write. I need you to know that this has been saved as a draft for over a month. That I've just now gotten the courage to finish writing this and publish it. I am not proud of the first paragraph, but it happened and I've moved past it. I don't need any lectures or anything of that type because I know it wasn't the smartest thing in the world and I've learned from it and moved on.

August 1, 2013
 If I were to be completely honest I would tell you that this diabetes is kicking my butt. If I were being completely honest I'd tell you that I am trying to avoid it.. I'm trying to avoid being a diabetic. That every day I am terrified of what my future holds and how having diabetes will impact it. I like to act like everyone else and do what they do but I think it's taking its toll. I did so well at the beginning and then I started to forget my insulin and I didn't actually need it. I went back to normal levels and I was fine. I stopped taking it and I was fine.. Then I eventually stopped checking my blood sugar regularly.. Two very bad ideas. Even though I was fine and I am still relatively healthy I can tell the difference. I feel a lot different and healthy when I am watching my blood sugar and taking insulin. Even though I don't need to take it to get my blood sugar down it does help my body not work so hard. I think it will help start getting my emotions at a steady level. I've been hoping that by some freak accident I'm actually type 2 and I just eat healthy and I don't have to worry about it. I'm not. I had a test done and I'm definitely type 1, I just am having an incredible "honeymoon" phase.

 If I were to be completely honest I would tell you that I have been completely selfish about my diabetes. I don't want to have it and so I've avoided it. I've only taken care of it when it was high or low. I haven't been consistent and I have been making it so there are more highs and lows by not being consistent. I have been selfish because I have a very promising life ahead of me and I have been foolish looking past that to live in the moment. I know that most the time it's great to live in the moment and cherish every second you have, but I need to live in those moments making it so I have that many more moments to look forward to. I shouldn't just brush it off as if diabetes is no big deal. It's a huge deal and it's having an impact on every aspect of my life. I'm being selfish because when I have children in the future I need to be healthy and the best way to have healthy pregnancies is doing everything I can now to be healthy. I know it's far off into the future but I need to think about these things. I need to care more about myself for the sake of my children. I also want them to have someone to look up to and really admire. I don't want to be unhealthy and teach them that lifestyle because I don't want them to live that lifestyle. I also have to think what happens if my children are diabetic? I have to be able to handle mine so that I can help them handle theirs. I want to be a good influence and example for my children.

 I need to do this for me and my future and the people that are going to be in my future. I hate the way that I feel when I'm not taking care of myself. You can tell a difference between an unhealthy life and a healthy one and it's monumental. I don't want to keep going back to the doctor so frequently because I keep having health issues. I am nineteen years old. I have a whole future and a lot of ambitions that can't be stopped by health issues.

 If I were to be completely honest I would tell you how much having diabetes has really frustrated and hurt me. I've been in a rut and I have never wanted to be so blatantly against my own disease. I want to have a positive outlook on this because it really isn't  all bad. I am getting healthy, getting in shape, eating right, and being happy. What more could you honestly ask for? It's time to:

• Exercise regularly
• Eat healthy
• Have scheduled meals
• Check my blood sugar regularly
• Use my insulin daily
• Cut out sugar
• Be positive! 

 I'm doing all this because it's better for me. I don't have to do this. I can sit and eat sugar all day and be really ill and shorten my life. I can definitely do that, but I don't want to. I don't want anything to hold me back and I don't want to have any regrets later on in my life. I'm doing this because I want to. I want a better life and a better future. I don't have to be fearful for my future with diabetes because I'm doing everything I can now to help prevent those future complications. If they happen later on in my life then there is a reason. There is something I was supposed to learn from it, just like all the things I'm learning from this. I have incredible self-control it's just a matter of believing in myself enough to do this. No one is going to do this for me. This isn't something that people can encourage me to do and push me along. I'm either going to do it or I'm not.  I am stronger than I have ever given myself credit for and now it's time to see just how strong I really am.