Confessions.

April 28, 2014

Diabetes never gets easier. It gets bearable, second nature, your life, part of your daily routine, less noticeable, but it never gets easier. You'll get really great at managing your diabetes, but that doesn't protect you from falling off the wagon. It doesn't protect you from getting angry. Let me tell you, I am angry today.

I am angry that I have to wait to get prescriptions, before I can have the things that help me live. I am angry with the pharmacist who told me that insurance and my other groups who help pay for my medicine won't cover it because I am using more than they expected. I am angry that in order to get a pump I have to increase the amount of times I check my blood sugar a day, which in turn increases the amount of test strips a day. With my test strips being increased it means that I run out a lot quicker, and they won't be paid for simply because I used them too fast. They cover $20-30 of my supplies, but that $20-30 makes all of the difference. I am angry because when I went to pay for  my supplies today (not even getting my insulin that I need) the screen read over $100. I am angry that I almost burst into tears right there, in front of that register. I am angry that I know I'll spend at least $50 more when I go and pick up my insulin.

I am angry that when I left the store I called to hear about my test results and they told me that my A1C was inadequate. (A1C is a test that determines your overall blood sugar for the last 3 months.) When I went in 3 months ago my A1C was 15.1, that's very high. That's an average of 400 for my blood sugar, when I should be at 100. I called today and they said that my A1C has gone down to 11, making my average blood sugar 280. I am so, so pleased with that. It has been very difficult to get back in the habit of taking insulin and checking my blood sugar. I've been doing it and I have gotten it down by that much! I am so thrilled with that, and then on the other end of the phone I hear her tell me, "280 is still too high of a blood sugar, and we need to work on getting that down." You won't work on anything. I am doing this alone, and no one is here to hold my hand, or give me my shots for me. So, no, we won't work on getting that down together. You won't tell me that my A1C is still an inadequate reading. That is amazing for me, and a real sense of accomplishment, because it shows my will power and my dedication to being healthy. No, it's not perfect, but it's a damn good start. 

I am angry, because the people who hold everything I need to improve my health in their hands are the ones who have never had to experience a day of being diabetic in their lives. I am angry that someone without diabetes is qualified to tell my that I need to do better, when they have never known the struggle. I am angry that I might have to get a second job simply to pay for my medical needs. I am angry that some people get to have a second job to pay for vacations and expensive things, while I get to pay for medical supplies every month. I am angry that I am financially behind, because I have had to adjust to having all of these new expenses.

I am angry with God for giving me this disease. I am angry that there are others who suffer with this disease. I am angry that the people who have help for us will only help us if we follow their terms, or pay them large amounts of money. I am so angry that I and many others have to suffer emotionally, physically, mentally, and financially because of a disease we had no say in having. I am angry with myself for being so angry, when I know there are people out there in the world suffering from worse things.

It is okay to be angry. You are going to have days where you just want to scream, "Why me? Why is this something I have to deal with?" No one can tell you that your emotions aren't justified. You are the only one who can say that you need to stop feeling that way. Eventually you won't be angry anymore, and you will be exhausted from all of the anger festering inside of you.

My advice; Be angry, then let it go. No, I may not have money to spend on my medical supplies, but I know that I need them. I also know that somehow, someway I will have enough money to survive. I may not like to put aside extra time for insulin shots, carb counting, or cooking my food, but I can do it. It'll help to get better with time management, and planning ahead. No, it's not easy to hear someone tell you that you need to do better, but it'll help you learn patience. It'll help you to forgive, even when they may have no idea they've offended you.

My advice; Don't fall off the wagon. Be dedicated to your health and well being. Take it day by day, or minute by minute if you have to. Breathe, and let go of the things you have no way of changing. Embrace your disease, because it could be the thing that makes you in to the best version of yourself. Help when you can. Volunteer your time to help raise money for research studies. It won't get easier if you have a terrible attitude and mindset. It won't become second nature if you are refusing to make it a habit. Realize that it isn't just about you. You are not the only one who suffers with this. Think of ways you can help them, and in return you can help yourself. My last bit of advice; Don't be so hard on yourself. You are amazing and you are doing an incredible job at managing your disease. You can get better, there is always room for improvement. As of right now, you are doing a marvelous job. Be proud of yourself, and your accomplishments.

It may not be easy, but you can make it worth it. 

Family Fun Time?

April 24, 2014

Parties and catching up with friends have made food more of a socialization than a necessity. With me food is a necessity and not a socialization anymore. I choose not to eat a lot of carbohydrates, which makes it very difficult to go out and eat because most places have a very high amount of carbohydrates in their meals. Even when I do, I have to go into the restroom, check my blood sugar, and give myself insulin. This leaves the person I am with alone at the table, waiting for me. It's not difficult to do, just very annoying.

It makes it hard to go to parties because a lot of the food is not in a package with a label telling me the carbohydrates. Most of the time it's all in bowls or on plates just waiting to be consumed. This makes it so I have to guess how many carbs are in what I'm eating and hope that I have guessed correctly. Another thing with food is that at most parties there are very few low carbohydrated foods. That means that I am taking extra insulin because it's not what I usually eat.

I have a hard time at parties because I definitely have some mood swings. Usually right after I eat for a few minutes at least I get pretty grumpy. I can't even help it. What your blood sugar is definitely determines your mood. I haven't quite figured out how to control my moods even with my blood sugar changing. So, sometimes at large functions when I am not in a good mood I'll spend time by myself until it changes. Not everyone understands that.

I know that this might not make sense, but I don't enjoy holiday gatherings anymore. It's difficult right now, because I am trying to eat healthily, but most of the gatherings the food isn't that healthy. I know that it's no one else's problem to worry about how many carbohydrates are in your food. Naturally they are going to just keep on with tradition, because my life is the only one that has changed. I realize that this is unfair of me to say I don't like holiday gatherings anymore. I suppose that I am still adjusting, and I could always bring my own food, or make a low carbohydrated meal for everyone else as well.

I am still adjusting to my new life and learning how to handle every unique situation thrown my way. I think I am mainly writing this particular blog post to explain my behavior at functions. I still love holidays and spending time with friends and family, I just don't like the food aspect as much anymore.

My Sweet Friends, This One is For You.

April 23, 2014

I want to give you as much advice as I can. Understandably, I don't have all of the answers, and most of my advice is based on personal experiences. I am not going to sugar coat it (Sorry for all of the bad diabetes puns. I think they're funny. :P), diabetes isn't easy. It is one of the hardest adjustments you will have to make. Don't think about it, just take it head on.

You have to give yourself injections now, that's how your life is. Don't fight it. When I was first diagnosed I adjusted immediately. I did absolutely everything I was supposed to, and it was, so far, the easiest time being diabetic. When I got lazy and forgot to take injections is when everything started to go downhill. Yes, you can skip an injection and live. Yes, you can still eat a lot of sugar. Should you do this? No, absolutely not. Not because it is unhealthy, but because it makes it that much easier to do it again and again. First, you're skipping injections only a few times, then it's a few times a week, then it's a few times a day, and then you have stopped taking insulin altogether. No, you won't die from not taking injections, not right away anyways. I lived for months not taking my insulin, or checking my blood sugar. I was very, very unhealthy though. I lost a lot of weight, I got a lot of pains, I was always sleeping, and I was very incredibly emotional. A few weeks in to not taking my insulin I just kept wishing I could be admitted to the hospital. I wanted to go back, because I knew they would help get me back to a good routine. I knew they would bring my blood sugar levels back down. I wanted to be admitted to the hospital because I knew I was very unhealthy, and I needed help.

No, my sweet friends, you can not eat doughnuts for breakfast, fast food for lunch, and pasta, pizza, and ice cream for dinner. Well, you can, but you shouldn't. It is so much easier to regulate your diabetes by eating healthy foods and less carbohydrates. You feel better about yourself, and you literally feel better physically. I always feel like I weigh a lot more when I eat a lot of carbohydrates. I'm not even quite sure how I can explain how you feel when you eat healthy, but just trust me that you will feel amazing if you do. Try it for a couple of weeks, you won't regret it.

Please, please go to the gym! Okay, you don't have to go to the gym, but please be physically active. Go for a walk, do some sit ups, lunges, squats, just do something! It's not for you to get in shape, or lose weight, not necessarily anyways. Just being physically active helps so much with your diabetes. It helps keep your blood sugars level, and wake up your pancreas to function more. The reason I was completely normal when I didn't take my insulin is because I was going to the gym so much that it acted as insulin. I don't recommend you stop taking insulin completely, but it will definitely help so you don't have to take as much. Go to the gym, it helps.

I know that doctors are annoying to go to. These doctor's visits are so helpful to keep you on track. They can help you to know what you need to work on. I also know that they are just going to tell you the basics and send you on your way to figure it out for yourself. It's frustrating, I know. I promise you, if you find the right doctor who specializes in diabetes, they can help you. They have talked to so many other patients and have seen a lot of what diabetes can do. Trust them. They aren't just there to write you prescriptions.

Speaking of prescriptions, they are expensive. Seriously, diabetes will be your new biggest expense. It's so annoying and a huge adjustment financially. There are people, organizations, doctors, and pharmacists who will help you. Look in to it. Take a day and Google all sorts of organizations and programs that will help provide you with the supplies you need. Just look and ask.

Get organized. I know that it seems like a silly thing to do with diabetes, but I promise that it helps. When you have a routine it is so easy to just go with it every single day. If you have all of your food organized and you can see your labels easily it is easier to eat. If you plan your meals in advance it is so much easier to eat healthy. If you have a clean house then it is so much easier to stick to your routine. Maybe try organizing one thing first and if you like it, go crazy with it!

Don't take your disease so seriously. I make diabetes jokes all of the time. Not because I think diabetes is funny or that it is not a big deal, because it is. I make diabetes jokes because it's one of my coping methods. Being diabetic is very hard and if I took it seriously it would drive me nuts. Also, when I don't take it seriously it makes others feel more at ease with it. I don't know what it is but when you have a serious illness it makes people very uncomfortable. Not because of you, but because they don't want to insult you or make you uncomfortable. They aren't sure how to ask questions or help you if they know you take it so seriously. When you make light of your situation it helps others to learn more about your disease.

People worry about you. You may be like me and dislike when people worry about you or treat you like a child, but people will always still worry about you. Diabetes is a scary thing, there is no doubt about that. I'm sure when they told you all of the side effects diabetes can have it kind of freaked you out. Guess what, you aren't the only one who is scared of what could happen to you. There are people who love you and only want the best for you. They want to help you, but they aren't always going to know how. When they worry about you and annoy you by asking what your blood sugar is like, they are just trying to help the only way they know how. Don't push away the people who want the best for you, because they are just as scared as you are. Let them in, because they are your support system.

You are not the only diabetic. It took me a long time to figure that out. Once I did my life was so much easier. I stopped thinking of myself as a victim of diabetes, but now I could be a spokesperson who actually experienced it and lived with it everyday. I took matters into my own hands and started blogging about my experience. Not only have I kept a great log of my journey, but it is incredibly therapeutic. Writing is my outlet, but if you find yours I guarantee it will help you with your new life change. Another thing that helps is reading other's blogs about their experience. It helps so much to know that you aren't alone and that there are people in the world who have made it past all of the things you are going through right now. Talk to someone who is diabetic and has been for a while. They can help you just simply by talking. I'm pretty sure that there is an unspoken bond between diabetics, and that's pretty awesome. You will have an instant friend if you meet another diabetic.

My last bit of advice for you, don't ever be ashamed to be diabetic. You are an incredibly strong person, and you need to give yourself more credit. You give yourself multiple injections a day, and prick your finger multiple times a day. You are always thinking ahead, and fight for a better life every single day. You are amazing! Diabetes can help you if you own it instead of letting it control your life. My advice for you, my sweet friends, don't fight it. You are diabetic now. That is your life, and you will live.

Traveling With Diabetes

April 21, 2014

[Disclaimer: Like I have said time and time again, diabetes varies for every single person. Not everything I say and experience is the same that other diabetics feel or experience. When I write every blog post it is purely from my own experience, thoughts, and feelings.]


I recently took a trip to California to visit my sister, her husband, and my new nephew. The last actual trip I took that was long distance and more than 3 days was last year, before I was diagnosed. That was a very hard trip for me. I was sick the whole time, I had to stop every couple of hours on the drive, I was always hungry, and dehydrated. My recent trip to California was not that difficult, but it was a challenge for me.

Now, don't get me wrong, it was a great trip and I had a wonderful host. My sister was amazing at asking me questions, finding out what I could eat, and always making sure I had enough food. I felt a lot of support because of her attentiveness to my disease. The reasons that my trip was a challenge were mostly brought on by my own feelings.

Since all of that is out of the way, let me dive in. Everyday I feel like I am packing to go on a small trip. I have to make sure that I have enough insulin, pen needles, alcohol swabs, sugar, my glucometer, enough test strips, and I usually keep my carb book on hand. Do you know how big of a purse I need?? It's outrageous! Now, with that in mind, think about how much I have to pack for a road trip and week vacation. I had a whole box of pen needles, alcohol swabs, 50+ test strips, and a ton of insulin. Going in to someone's house with all of that stuff I personally feel very awkward. I always worry that they wonder what I do with all of it. I worry that they are going to think that I'm just leaving it lying around. I am a very cleanly diabetic. I don't like to leave anything anywhere that someone could have access to it. I always dispose of my needle tips and test strips properly. I know that my hosts don't know that though. I feel as if I need to have a pamphlet explaining my diabetes everywhere I go to let everyone know what it is, how I treat it, and what they need to know just in case.

I worry that no matter how cautious I am with my supplies that some one might get their hands on them. My biggest fear with traveling is that my gracious hosts will be upset with me if an accident were to occur. If somehow, some way my supplies will get in the wrong hands, most likely little kid hands, that something will go terribly wrong. I also have a fear that my hosts will have the same fear I do; That they will worry when I check my blood sugar, or give myself insulin that I won't take care of it properly. I know that I take care of it properly and I am more than careful, so there should be no reason for them to worry. I know that it is just my illogical worries that make travelling hard for this reason.

Another thing that makes traveling difficult is that I don't feel comfortable doing any of this in front of my hosts. I don't know if they want to know anything about how I care for myself, or anything about the disease. I never do any of this in front of their children, because I don't want them to get the wrong idea and think they can do the same thing. I also don't want to explain it to the parents, because I have no idea how it will effect their children. Again, I know that this is all my thoughts, but I just don't want to overstep my boundaries.

It is hard to be a guest in someone's home especially because of meals. I find it very rude to not eat something that my host prepares. I also find it rude to not finish everything on my plate. The reason it is so difficult is because I have already had to change all of my eating habits. I measure all of my food, I count all of my carbohydrates and I try not to eat many of them. I have had to change  I can't very well take over their kitchen, measure their food, and only eat a few carbohydrates, now can I? I can't change their eating habits in such a short time, nor should I. I had such a hard time because it is so much harder to count carbohydrates just by looking at the plate, and not measuring. Again, luckily I had an amazing host, and she kept all of the labels and let me dirty her dishes to measure.

We road tripped to California from Utah, it was a fourteen hour drive. I had to stop frequently to check my blood sugar, and to eat. I've never had such a hard time driving a long distance as I did on this trip. I just didn't feel well the whole time, and I kept getting so tired. I wanted to be very careful keeping track of my blood sugar because it is very dangerous to drive if your blood sugar is off. It made the trip a lot longer, I was a lot more unpleasant, and it was very hard on me.

Also, I was reading the other day an article on tips for travelling with diabetes. It talks about when you are traveling you should always split up your supplies into different bags, just in case one of them gets lost you still have everything you need. It talks about taking a letter from your doctor to the airport with you to avoid going through such a long process to explain all of the medications you need, the disease you have, how you need to treat your disease and when. It states how you should move around a lot because with diabetes you can get blood clots a lot easier. Finally, it talks about how your pump can malfunction when you are flying because of the cabin pressure changing. {If you want to read the full article here is the link: www.battlediabetes.com/articles/diabetes/travel-tips-for-people-with-diabetes]

I want to travel more than anything in the world. I want to see all of the beauty  in the world, and experience all of the different cultures I can. I know it is very possible to be a traveling diabetic, it just takes a lot of practice to become better at it. Isn't that how everything is though? It's not even as bad as it was for me on this trip, it's just because of my personality and my worries. I don't want to feel like my disease is a problem for anyone else than me. It shouldn't be.

Typical Girl

April 20, 2014

[ Disclaimer:I don't like that this is okay! That it's okay for girls to sit there and nit pick every single thing wrong with their body. I don't like that we are told to look a certain way, or feel a certain way. I don't like that we are driving ourselves crazy, and making ourselves unhappy. I don't like that every single girl has at one point in their lives felt she wasn't beautiful or good enough. ]

You are beautiful. 

You are enough.

You are loved.

Every single girl has insecurities, they wish they could change at least one thing about themselves. Especially physical insecurities, I have a whole bunch! In fact, this blog is very hard for me to write because I weigh the most I have ever weighed in my life. I have the most extra skin I have ever had in my life. I am the most unsatisfied with how I have let my body go than I ever have been. Here is a list of some of the things I don't like the most:

I don't like that my lips sometimes get dry. 

I don't like the dark circles under my eyes. 

I don't like having zits on my face.

I don't like that no matter how much I exercise, 

I will always have this little belly. 

I don't like that I have cellulite. 

I don't like that I have stretch marks.

I don't like that I have a much more round stomach

just at the bottom of my torso. 

I don't like that I have extra skin under neath

my arms. 

I don't like that I have "love handles".

I don't like how prominent my inner thigh is. 

I don't like how curvy I am.

I don't like my outer thighs.

I don't like that I have short nails.

I don't like that I have split ends.

I don't like that my eyelashes are thin.

I don't like that my skin gets dry.

 Now, let me go back over this list more in depth.

"I don't like that my lips sometimes get dry." Because, I don't drink enough water.

"I don't like the dark circles under my eyes." Because, I don't get enough sleep. 

"I don't like having zits on my face." Because, I stress myself out too much. 

"I don't like that no matter how much I exercise, I will always have my little belly." Because, it's not just about exercise. It's all about eating right. 

"I don't like that I have cellulite." Because, it shows my poor diet, and lack of exercise. 

"I don't like that I have stretch marks." Because, it shows how quickly my body had to make space. 

"I don't like that I have a much more round stomach just at the bottom of my torso." Because, it shows I don't eat well. 

"I don't like that I have extra skin under neath my arms." Because, I am stronger than that shows. 

"I don't like that I have "love handles"." Because, I don't exercise enough. 

"I don't like how prominent my inner thigh is." Because, I don't exercise enough. 

"I don't like how curvy I am." Because, I know I have extra curve where there could be muscle. 

"I don't like my outer thighs." Because, they reveal I don't exercise. 

"I don't like that I have short nails." Because, it shows you my anxiety. 

"I don't like that I have split ends." Because, I damage my hair to try and improve my appearance. 

"I don't like that my eyelashes are thin." Because, I put on mascara to try and improve my appearance. 

"I don't like that my skin gets dry." Because I don't drink enough water. 

I know what you are thinking, "Stop!" (In fact some of you may have even quit reading by now.) It's annoying to hear someone sit there and tell you the things that they don't like about themselves. It's even more annoying when you don't even see the flaws until they point them out. I don't like that I have a list as long as I do of things I don't like about myself physically. I do because of one simple fact; I know that I was born perfectly. Every single one of us was born absolutely perfect. Not perfect for your neighbor, your sister, the president, your favorite actress or actor, and not even for your twin. You were born perfectly for you. I was not born with those love handles, short nails, thighs, dark circles, etc. Those came with time. Those are things that I can change. I don't have to have a surgery to alter my "imperfections". I just have to be the best possible 'me' that I can be. 

Is it starting to become clear the reason I am writing this yet? Let me elaborate even further:

I have noticed that when I am not feeling well physically, mentally, or emotionally it starts to show physically. It is something you can see all throughout your body. That's why when you are having a bad day and feeling awful when you look in the mirror you are going to not like what you see. If you sit there and stare at yourself you can actually see yourself becoming more and more unattractive. However, if you sit there and you stare at yourself while pointing out things you like about yourself you'll become more appealing to yourself. 

When you focus on the negative you are going to get negative back. 

I choose to focus on the things that I can change. I don't want to look at my stretch marks as visually unappealing scars on my body, but rather marks to show how far I have progressed in my life. I don't want to look at my face and see tired eyes, and a stressed out Karrie. I want to look at my face and see all the freckles that cover my face, and the eyes I was given to see the beauty in the world. I don't want to look at my hips and think, "I am way too curvy." But, rather see that I have hips that will make having the gift of making life that much easier. 

When you look at the positive, it becomes that much easier to see all of the beauty in life. 

I want to be 100% satisfied with who I have become. I don't want my children to have any idea what it means to be self-conscious. There is only one reason I would ever let them be dissatisfied with themselves: If they have treated others in a way that they know, with every bit of their soul, is wrong. Even then I would help them fix the situation. I want to live a life with no regrets. Live in a way I would never be ashamed of. Be a person I would be proud to be around anyone, any place, any time. I would want my kids to learn to live the same way. 

Our kids are the next generation, and we are the ones who are going to teach them. 

Don't let self confidence, and pride die with us. 

You are more magnificent than you give yourself credit. 

My Worst Fear

April 9, 2014

I've wanted to write a book about all of my experiences being diabetic, and advice I would give to newly diagnosed diabetics. I've been hesitant because I know that everyone has a different experience with diabetes. Not everyone is going to deal with the same things, or have the same medicine. I know that it's different for absolutely everyone, and I couldn't imagine myself writing this book expecting to relate to everyone in the same way. I know that it's different for everyone, and I know that I am not the "know it all" of diabetes. In fact, I don't know everything there is to know about it, I've just begun to learn. What I do know, is that by writing it all down I have the opportunity to help maybe just one person, and that, that would be enough for me.

I've been hesitant saying anything about my desire to write a book, because I had no clue what I was going to put in it. I didn't even have an idea of how I wanted to write it, or if I even should. Well, it finally hit me. I want to write the book as a letter. I want to write down my experiences, and the advice that I can give. I want to write down my future hopes and goals for my diabetes, and what I want to do for the community.

I also couldn't fathom writing a book about a disease that a lot more people are being diagnosed with for personal gain. If I am writing this to hopefully help newly diagnosed diabetics, then why should my words be the only thing helping them? I know what it's like to have this thrown at you and to struggle. I know how frustrating it is to have to rearrange your whole life to accommodate a change you had no say in. I know exactly what it is like to realize just how much you are going to have to pay for the stupid disease you never asked for. So, why should my words be the only thing helping? I know there are a lot of foundations out there looking for a cure for diabetes. I applaud them, and I hope they find it. However, until then it is still expensive to have diabetes! Even after they find the cure, it will most likely still be expensive to cure your diabetes. With that said, I want to make my own foundation to help the people with diabetes. To help them pay for things that they just might not be able to. No one should have to go without, because they can't afford it. With this book my biggest hope is to help. Even if it's just that one person.

Now, for one of the first pages I want seen in my book:

My dear sweet children,

I want to tell you the truth whenever I can, without taking away your innocence. I want you to know that I will never lie to you, and I will tell you everything when I feel it won’t make you grow up too soon. I don’t know if I will ever need to tell you this, or when I’ll need to, but I just want you to know this: My biggest fear of bringing you into this world is that you will have what mommy has, that I will have passed on my type-one diabetes to you. I would not wish that upon absolutely anyone, and my hope is that you won’t have it too. I only wish the best for you, and will go out of my way to give you just that. Even though I wish and pray that it won’t happen, I know that life is not going to be easy or fair. There are going to be a lot of trials that you face. A lot of them I can’t make any better for you, but I promise I will always be there for you no matter what, no matter when, and no matter where.

I am always preparing myself for the day that I know I’m bringing you into the world. I am learning how to be the best me I can, so that I can be the best mom to you. I know that being healthy is the most important thing I can be, for me and for you, and that is my main focus. I can promise you that health, and exercise are going to be very important parts of our household, but I promise not to deprive you of a normal childhood. We’ll eat healthy all of the time, but you know that I am going to just love spoiling you so we’ll go out and try new treats. I’ll teach you how to be healthy from the very beginning, just in case you will have diabetes. I won’t hide it from you, and I will always answer any questions you have.

I’m writing this to you because diabetes has been the most life changing thing for me so far. It’s going to impact our lives greatly, and I want you to be completely informed. I couldn’t think of anyone I’d want to know all about my experience more than my sweet little babies. There is no one I’d want to share everything with more than you.

I’ll love you always my little ones,

Mom