Confessions.

April 28, 2014

Diabetes never gets easier. It gets bearable, second nature, your life, part of your daily routine, less noticeable, but it never gets easier. You'll get really great at managing your diabetes, but that doesn't protect you from falling off the wagon. It doesn't protect you from getting angry. Let me tell you, I am angry today.

I am angry that I have to wait to get prescriptions, before I can have the things that help me live. I am angry with the pharmacist who told me that insurance and my other groups who help pay for my medicine won't cover it because I am using more than they expected. I am angry that in order to get a pump I have to increase the amount of times I check my blood sugar a day, which in turn increases the amount of test strips a day. With my test strips being increased it means that I run out a lot quicker, and they won't be paid for simply because I used them too fast. They cover $20-30 of my supplies, but that $20-30 makes all of the difference. I am angry because when I went to pay for  my supplies today (not even getting my insulin that I need) the screen read over $100. I am angry that I almost burst into tears right there, in front of that register. I am angry that I know I'll spend at least $50 more when I go and pick up my insulin.

I am angry that when I left the store I called to hear about my test results and they told me that my A1C was inadequate. (A1C is a test that determines your overall blood sugar for the last 3 months.) When I went in 3 months ago my A1C was 15.1, that's very high. That's an average of 400 for my blood sugar, when I should be at 100. I called today and they said that my A1C has gone down to 11, making my average blood sugar 280. I am so, so pleased with that. It has been very difficult to get back in the habit of taking insulin and checking my blood sugar. I've been doing it and I have gotten it down by that much! I am so thrilled with that, and then on the other end of the phone I hear her tell me, "280 is still too high of a blood sugar, and we need to work on getting that down." You won't work on anything. I am doing this alone, and no one is here to hold my hand, or give me my shots for me. So, no, we won't work on getting that down together. You won't tell me that my A1C is still an inadequate reading. That is amazing for me, and a real sense of accomplishment, because it shows my will power and my dedication to being healthy. No, it's not perfect, but it's a damn good start. 

I am angry, because the people who hold everything I need to improve my health in their hands are the ones who have never had to experience a day of being diabetic in their lives. I am angry that someone without diabetes is qualified to tell my that I need to do better, when they have never known the struggle. I am angry that I might have to get a second job simply to pay for my medical needs. I am angry that some people get to have a second job to pay for vacations and expensive things, while I get to pay for medical supplies every month. I am angry that I am financially behind, because I have had to adjust to having all of these new expenses.

I am angry with God for giving me this disease. I am angry that there are others who suffer with this disease. I am angry that the people who have help for us will only help us if we follow their terms, or pay them large amounts of money. I am so angry that I and many others have to suffer emotionally, physically, mentally, and financially because of a disease we had no say in having. I am angry with myself for being so angry, when I know there are people out there in the world suffering from worse things.

It is okay to be angry. You are going to have days where you just want to scream, "Why me? Why is this something I have to deal with?" No one can tell you that your emotions aren't justified. You are the only one who can say that you need to stop feeling that way. Eventually you won't be angry anymore, and you will be exhausted from all of the anger festering inside of you.

My advice; Be angry, then let it go. No, I may not have money to spend on my medical supplies, but I know that I need them. I also know that somehow, someway I will have enough money to survive. I may not like to put aside extra time for insulin shots, carb counting, or cooking my food, but I can do it. It'll help to get better with time management, and planning ahead. No, it's not easy to hear someone tell you that you need to do better, but it'll help you learn patience. It'll help you to forgive, even when they may have no idea they've offended you.

My advice; Don't fall off the wagon. Be dedicated to your health and well being. Take it day by day, or minute by minute if you have to. Breathe, and let go of the things you have no way of changing. Embrace your disease, because it could be the thing that makes you in to the best version of yourself. Help when you can. Volunteer your time to help raise money for research studies. It won't get easier if you have a terrible attitude and mindset. It won't become second nature if you are refusing to make it a habit. Realize that it isn't just about you. You are not the only one who suffers with this. Think of ways you can help them, and in return you can help yourself. My last bit of advice; Don't be so hard on yourself. You are amazing and you are doing an incredible job at managing your disease. You can get better, there is always room for improvement. As of right now, you are doing a marvelous job. Be proud of yourself, and your accomplishments.

It may not be easy, but you can make it worth it.