If I'm Being Completely Honest...

Before you read this I need you to know how hard this was for me to write. I need you to know that this has been saved as a draft for over a month. That I've just now gotten the courage to finish writing this and publish it. I am not proud of the first paragraph, but it happened and I've moved past it. I don't need any lectures or anything of that type because I know it wasn't the smartest thing in the world and I've learned from it and moved on.

August 1, 2013
 If I were to be completely honest I would tell you that this diabetes is kicking my butt. If I were being completely honest I'd tell you that I am trying to avoid it.. I'm trying to avoid being a diabetic. That every day I am terrified of what my future holds and how having diabetes will impact it. I like to act like everyone else and do what they do but I think it's taking its toll. I did so well at the beginning and then I started to forget my insulin and I didn't actually need it. I went back to normal levels and I was fine. I stopped taking it and I was fine.. Then I eventually stopped checking my blood sugar regularly.. Two very bad ideas. Even though I was fine and I am still relatively healthy I can tell the difference. I feel a lot different and healthy when I am watching my blood sugar and taking insulin. Even though I don't need to take it to get my blood sugar down it does help my body not work so hard. I think it will help start getting my emotions at a steady level. I've been hoping that by some freak accident I'm actually type 2 and I just eat healthy and I don't have to worry about it. I'm not. I had a test done and I'm definitely type 1, I just am having an incredible "honeymoon" phase.

 If I were to be completely honest I would tell you that I have been completely selfish about my diabetes. I don't want to have it and so I've avoided it. I've only taken care of it when it was high or low. I haven't been consistent and I have been making it so there are more highs and lows by not being consistent. I have been selfish because I have a very promising life ahead of me and I have been foolish looking past that to live in the moment. I know that most the time it's great to live in the moment and cherish every second you have, but I need to live in those moments making it so I have that many more moments to look forward to. I shouldn't just brush it off as if diabetes is no big deal. It's a huge deal and it's having an impact on every aspect of my life. I'm being selfish because when I have children in the future I need to be healthy and the best way to have healthy pregnancies is doing everything I can now to be healthy. I know it's far off into the future but I need to think about these things. I need to care more about myself for the sake of my children. I also want them to have someone to look up to and really admire. I don't want to be unhealthy and teach them that lifestyle because I don't want them to live that lifestyle. I also have to think what happens if my children are diabetic? I have to be able to handle mine so that I can help them handle theirs. I want to be a good influence and example for my children.

 I need to do this for me and my future and the people that are going to be in my future. I hate the way that I feel when I'm not taking care of myself. You can tell a difference between an unhealthy life and a healthy one and it's monumental. I don't want to keep going back to the doctor so frequently because I keep having health issues. I am nineteen years old. I have a whole future and a lot of ambitions that can't be stopped by health issues.

 If I were to be completely honest I would tell you how much having diabetes has really frustrated and hurt me. I've been in a rut and I have never wanted to be so blatantly against my own disease. I want to have a positive outlook on this because it really isn't  all bad. I am getting healthy, getting in shape, eating right, and being happy. What more could you honestly ask for? It's time to:

• Exercise regularly
• Eat healthy
• Have scheduled meals
• Check my blood sugar regularly
• Use my insulin daily
• Cut out sugar
• Be positive! 

 I'm doing all this because it's better for me. I don't have to do this. I can sit and eat sugar all day and be really ill and shorten my life. I can definitely do that, but I don't want to. I don't want anything to hold me back and I don't want to have any regrets later on in my life. I'm doing this because I want to. I want a better life and a better future. I don't have to be fearful for my future with diabetes because I'm doing everything I can now to help prevent those future complications. If they happen later on in my life then there is a reason. There is something I was supposed to learn from it, just like all the things I'm learning from this. I have incredible self-control it's just a matter of believing in myself enough to do this. No one is going to do this for me. This isn't something that people can encourage me to do and push me along. I'm either going to do it or I'm not.  I am stronger than I have ever given myself credit for and now it's time to see just how strong I really am.

Welcome Back

June 3, 2013
So, for a few weeks I was doing awesome. I didn't take any insulin and I was feeling just fine. I still watched what I was eating and how I was feeling,  but I was doing just fine. I was starting to question whether or not I even had diabetes. As far as I was concerned, I was in an incredible honeymoon phase of my diabetes or I was given the wrong diagnosis.

I should've kept taking my insulin even if they were lower doses because my body wouldn't have had to work so hard. A week or so ago I could feel that my body was just giving up on me. My sharp pains were coming back, I had little to no motivation, and I was getting more headaches than I wanted. I started to check my blood sugar even more often but every time I checked it I had completely normal readings. I was starting to think it was something else or that my monitor wasn't working right. I slowly started taking a little insulin here and then, even though it didn't seem to be helping much.

Last Saturday I was at work and you couldn't believe how awful I felt. Well,  you probably could because I looked like I had the life drained out of me. It was one of the worst days ever. I went to check my blood sugar because I was so worried at how sick I was feeling. This is what I found. Welcome back diabetes! Not really though, because I liked feeling normal again.

I'm still getting back into the routine. I just know I need to keep doing it. I need to be extra cautious and ignore the part of me that still thinks I'm normal. It'll take a lot longer now to adjust but I think I'll be just fine :)

It's Been A Long Time..

May 24, 2013
 I don't really know what to say anymore. I could go into my daily struggles that I'm facing but then it would take away from the purpose of starting this blog. I started this because I was diagnosed with Type 1 diabetes. Well, now it's just a part of my life. Yes, sometimes it's infuriating to have this and to have to change what I do and what I eat. It's frustrating having to think well how is my blood sugar before I go out for this run? I hate wondering how many carbohydrates are in what I want to eat. It's still done a lot of great things for me and it's helped me to become healthier. I am still terrified of what the future holds for me with this diagnosis and what could go wrong. I am really scared, but I am also not living in the future so I have to worry about today and learn to not spend my life worrying what might happen.

 Am I mad that I have diabetes? Yes, I am mad. I'm mad because that is one more thing I have to worry about for the rest of my life. I know it's ridiculous to be mad about such a simple thing when I could have had something much worse.  I know it's silly to be so caught up on it because it is very natural now and just another thing I do like brushing my teeth. I know a lot of people have diabetes and they live very normal lives. I just can't figure out why I am having such a hard time with it. It's not even the disease itself. It's not insulin shots or checking my blood sugar. It's not eating right or exercising. It's simply the fact that I have more potential to have physical complications later on in my life than everyone else. It's just something that comes with this and that's fine. I understand that and I am glad that I have to be healthy and lessen my risk of having physical complications.. What if I want to have a normal teenage girl night with an incredible amount of junk food and movies.. I portion out all my food and calculate all my carbohydrates to see if it's something I can eat with a reasonable amount of insulin? No. I don't want to do that. I don't want to worry before I go out and do summer activities with my friends if it's going to harm my glucose levels. I just want to have a normal life without any serious problems to worry about. I know it's silly and that tomorrow I will go back to being just fine with it and it'll be like any other day.

 Just today.. I want to be a normal teenage girl and not have to worry about something like this. I don't want to have worries or cares or have 3 or 4 different jobs to cover costs of my hospital bills and medication. I don't want my first real bills and responsibilities in my adult life to be something I never asked for or wanted. I want my first bills to be from college tuition or moving out. Something I want to do for me. Not something I have to do for me. I just want to be normal.

Here is Why..

May 16, 2013
 I know that I stopped writing as frequently and my posts haven't been geared towards my diabetes, here is why. I have taken it into my daily life and now that is just how it is. I don't notice it anymore to be quite honest with you. I know when my blood sugar is low or high and I notice it when I have to really watch it when doing something very simple. That's just how it is for me now. I have to be healthy and I have to watch my blood sugars. I have come to terms with it and stopped trying to pretend that I don't have diabetes, because I do.

 The one thing I have noticed is that whenever I go into a professional setting whether it be a doctors office, a dentists office, or anything similar to those I get a lot of questions on my diabetes. It really does effect everything I do. I went to the dentist today and when I told them I was diagnosed with diabetes they spent extra time checking my gums to make sure I didn't have gingivitis. As I told you before when I get a sore or an infection I take a longer time to heal and they told me that if I were to get gingivitis it would be very hard to get it back to healthy. As if I didn't have enough to worry about. ;) Now I have to eat right, exercise, and make sure I take extra good care of my teeth. Silly.

 Another update on my diabetes is I am loving this honeymoon phase, if that's what is happening. I hardly need any insulin at all and my blood sugar bounces right back after meals. It really is getting so much better and easier to manage. That makes me so happy because that is less insulin and less times I need to go to the pharmacy :)

Mother's Day.

May 12, 2013
 Did you know I have the best mother in the world? She puts up with a lot from me and I will always appreciate that. She has always been there to listen and offer advice and most the time been on the receiving end of my craziness. She works really hard to try and make a good life and has always shown me what it means to work and do it it well. My mom worked a 12 hour day on Mother's day so I wanted to be sure she came home to something special.

Oh So This Is Why You Get Healthy!

May 13, 2013
 We are really talking about May 11, 2013. Today is the day I ran a 5k. Oh my goodness it was so much fun! Except for the fact that I'm terribly out of shape and walked most the way I actually ran it! I did have low blood sugar after but I got through it and that's all that matters to me. Plus, it was nothing a little candy bar couldn't fix! It was the Color Vibe 5k so it was even more fun than regular 5k's. I ran it with my sister and her daughter and we were so colorful after! It took me about 40 minutes to run it. I'm hoping by August when I do the next one I will be able to run it a little bit faster.

Before...

After!

Oh Writer's Block..

May 13, 2013
This one is really about my birthday May 10 but I haven't written in so long! It was really just a normal day except I got showered with gifts and singing. :) I love my birthday because it's the one day I can say, "But, It's my birthday!!" I used it a lot. It was really fun for me to see how much everyone cares and I got some pretty sweet presents. All of my family showed me a lot of love on my birthday and I couldn't be more grateful to them. It was one of my best birthdays.

Amirah chose the card and the present all by herself.

Connor picked this out for me

From Dad and Teri 

From Jake. A giant giraffe and a hammock! 

From Jeff, Erik, and Ethan. Just to help me love mail again :)

Jessica and her boys found a way to sing to me through the mail. 

Kayden picked out the card and roses all on his own. Made sure I saw what he wrote :)

The kids all got me a balloon and we had a fun day taking photo booth pictures.

Can't wait to use these presents from my Momma. 

Terena made that super cute card! Ahh