It's Been A Long Time..

May 24, 2013
 I don't really know what to say anymore. I could go into my daily struggles that I'm facing but then it would take away from the purpose of starting this blog. I started this because I was diagnosed with Type 1 diabetes. Well, now it's just a part of my life. Yes, sometimes it's infuriating to have this and to have to change what I do and what I eat. It's frustrating having to think well how is my blood sugar before I go out for this run? I hate wondering how many carbohydrates are in what I want to eat. It's still done a lot of great things for me and it's helped me to become healthier. I am still terrified of what the future holds for me with this diagnosis and what could go wrong. I am really scared, but I am also not living in the future so I have to worry about today and learn to not spend my life worrying what might happen.

 Am I mad that I have diabetes? Yes, I am mad. I'm mad because that is one more thing I have to worry about for the rest of my life. I know it's ridiculous to be mad about such a simple thing when I could have had something much worse.  I know it's silly to be so caught up on it because it is very natural now and just another thing I do like brushing my teeth. I know a lot of people have diabetes and they live very normal lives. I just can't figure out why I am having such a hard time with it. It's not even the disease itself. It's not insulin shots or checking my blood sugar. It's not eating right or exercising. It's simply the fact that I have more potential to have physical complications later on in my life than everyone else. It's just something that comes with this and that's fine. I understand that and I am glad that I have to be healthy and lessen my risk of having physical complications.. What if I want to have a normal teenage girl night with an incredible amount of junk food and movies.. I portion out all my food and calculate all my carbohydrates to see if it's something I can eat with a reasonable amount of insulin? No. I don't want to do that. I don't want to worry before I go out and do summer activities with my friends if it's going to harm my glucose levels. I just want to have a normal life without any serious problems to worry about. I know it's silly and that tomorrow I will go back to being just fine with it and it'll be like any other day.

 Just today.. I want to be a normal teenage girl and not have to worry about something like this. I don't want to have worries or cares or have 3 or 4 different jobs to cover costs of my hospital bills and medication. I don't want my first real bills and responsibilities in my adult life to be something I never asked for or wanted. I want my first bills to be from college tuition or moving out. Something I want to do for me. Not something I have to do for me. I just want to be normal.