Can We Take A Moment To Discuss Something?

June 30, 2014

 I don't write blog posts to whine or to ask for your pity. I write these posts as a form of therapy for myself. I write them in case there is someone out there who can relate to my struggles and helps with their own. I write to be a better person and to use these when I look back at the person I've transformed from. I write because it calms me, and helps me to think and see more clearly. I put some of my deepest confessions on this blog  and I don't ask for your judgment. I ask for you understanding, support, and constructive criticism. I don't want you to pity me or look down upon me. I want you to help by understanding and supporting me.

 I feel as if I have been suffocating for the last few months. The anger I have inside of me about being sick has taken over and consumed me. It's as if I am scuba diving and my only source of oxygen has been tainted. I've been struggling for as long as I can remember, but I have only suffered for the last few months. I mean really suffered. It's as if someone else is controlling my body and I am still in here just trying to force my way back into control.

 I would like to think that I have always been a positive person, and that I can find the best in any situation. That has not been the case the last few months. I have been so unbearably negative that not only do the people around me not want to be around me, but I also don't want to be around me. It's been brutal, because I like being positive. I like when people like to be around me. I like to be a happy person. I want more than anything to be that person again, but it's hard when you are being pulled down by all of the anger.

 I would love to want to be around myself again. I don't want to. I want to be positive and find the good in other people again. I want to find the positive in life again. There is a silver lining to everything in this world, and I would like to see that again. I would like to be so overwhelmingly happy that people wonder if I am on something every time they see me. I would like to be so busy finding the good in everyone and everything that I can't possibly have a bad day. I would like to be so busy helping others that I don't have problems. I want to make the world a better place no matter what I can do.

 Here's the deal, I have been very angry at being sick every single day. I have been very angry that this disease even exists. That anyone should have to deal with this. I have been angry that every single day I find out something else that could become a complication. I am sick of the bruises, the needles, and the money for it. I have just simply been sick of being sick. It's thrown me into a depressive state, and I have allowed it to. I have let it consume my everyday life, and alter my personality. Do you know what I'm really sick of? I'm sick of feeling sorry for myself. I am miserable, but the only one who made it that way, was me. I don't have a worse life than anyone, I just have the worst attitude out of everyone.

 So, I present to you, my solution. No negativity for a month. It's going to be hard at first, but then it will just be a habit after that. I'm going to drastically alter my perspective and my attitude towards life. I am spending a month finding one simple happiness every single day and documenting it. I am going to thrive with my diabetes and learn as much as I can about it. I am going to fight everyday to have control over my life, because it is just that, my life. I am going to let my passions consume me, and let it propel my life into a better place. I have talent that I have neglected, and I am not going to anymore. Everyday I will ask for strength and endurance, not the easy way out.

 "The problem is not the problem. The problem is your attitude about the problem." 

Help!

June 19, 2014

 Lately I have been very self conscious about everything that I do. I worry that people take pity on me because of my disease. I sometimes don't get included in physically straining activities because my blood sugar could possibly drop. I feel like I get singled out a lot for things that I can't control. If I don't wear makeup and my blood sugar is high, I look very ill, and tired. People seem to notice that quite a lot, and never really understand what it means. If my blood sugar is low, my face will go white as a sheet and I become very weak. I think that people sometimes mistake my appearances, and my weakness during a low blood sugar episode as how I am all of the time. I have struggled a lot recently because I am just trying to get a handle on everything. I am not used to the highs and lows. I am not used to my emotions that are in direct relation to my blood sugar. I am not used to smiling all of the time when I am physically ill at least once a day, every day. I am not used to being angry for no reason, other than high blood sugar. I am not used to being irrational because my blood sugar is low. I appreciate very much everyone who takes the time to notice that I am not feeling well and trying to help. I also appreciate the people who don't notice and expect me to be the same as I always am, no matter how much I want to deck them at the time for not understanding. I am not a weak person, even when I am weak. I would rather push myself to my limits, just to see what my limits are.

 I have been reading a lot of blogs and articles in relation to diabetes, and people's experiences with it. Even if I know everything that they are writing about, I find it comforting to know that I am not alone in my battles. Even though everyone is having different battles, I know that we are facing very similar things. I take comfort in that, and I keep reading because those people were vulnerable and put their words out into the world, simply because they thought that someone was worth helping. I used to be very stubborn about asking for help. I knew I was a strong person from the very beginning, but I have recently come to realize that the most strong people are the ones who put their pride aside and ask for assistance when they need it. I am not ashamed to ask for help anymore, because I know that the one's who help me believe that I am worth helping. The one's who help show that there is truly amazing people left in this world. The one's who help give me hope.

I've Finally Found It!

June 6, 2014

I competed last year in the Miss Utah USA pageant for my very first time. I thought I would only do it the one time, and then I would just call it good. Well, after I did the pageant I realized how life changing it is. It's not about dressing up and looking pretty. It's about the preparation beforehand. It gives you practice on your interview skills, it helps you manage your time, talking to strangers becomes a breeze, your confidence increases tremendously, and you become the healthiest version of yourself. It was an experience that I could never replace. I don't think there is anything in this world that challenges you quite like a pageant. It really was a very rewarding experience for me. I debated for months after the pageant if I would compete again, and I just felt like I should. I knew I needed a goal for this year, and I have finally decided what it is. I couldn't be more excited!

This year I will have my insulin pump and I plan on wearing it the entire competition. I will be wearing it on stage in swimwear, and evening gown. This year my goal is not to win the pageant, it's to merely be on the stage with my pump. Let me tell you why this is so important to me.

Diabetes is not a glamorous disease by any means. You have to give yourself shots, check your blood sugar by pricking your finger, and changing the site of your insulin pump. You can get bruises from your shots. You get little red marks from every shot you take, at least for a little while. Your fingers are callused from all of the finger pricks, and you can see the marks from the lancet. When you change the site for your insulin pump you will have scars (Not something I know firsthand, yet). There is tubing attached to your pump that is your new favorite accessory. To sum it up for you, diabetes is far from a glamorous disease. Being someone who has diabetes, and is involved in pageantry it makes sense to me that I should proudly showcase both of them.

My goal this year is to make such an ugly disease as glamorous as I possibly can. To bring awareness to all that you deal with as a diabetic, and hopefully open some eyes to the disease.

The statement I'd like to make with my insulin pump, is that you are beautiful no matter the disease, no matter the shape, no matter the terminal illness. No matter who you are, you are a beautiful person, inside and out.

I'm embracing this disease that I was given. It's going to be one of my strongest passions, and the best way of living. I am going to do something to help others. To help little girls who might not find themselves appealing simply because of the pump they wear that keeps them alive. Actually, to help anyone who struggles with their image based on something that's attached to them.

There's no cure for type 1 diabetes. There is a cure for the insecurities attached to it.


If you'd like to follow my journey with the pageant this year I'll be posting more to my Facebook page.


If you'd like to help support me this year I am asking for donations for the fees of the venue, and my dress you can go here: http://www.gofundme.com/KarrieForMissUT2015

Everything that is donated, and all of the sponsors I gain, I plan on paying it forward 100%. There will be more to come on how in a few weeks. Thank you in advance for all of your support.

Girls: We Just Don't Get It.

May 14, 2014

We think that we know everything, and that may be true for a lot of things, but there's one thing we'll never get; We are beautiful. We never will understand that each and every one of us are absolutely beautiful in our own perfect way. We were made perfectly for the lives that we will lead. Some of us have diseases that show on our bodies, and some of us were born without limbs. We are each different in our perfectly unique ways. We will each be an inspiration to the people around us in the way that we present ourselves, and the confidence we let shine.

Yet, all of us struggle with body image. We struggle with being confident in our skin, and thinking we aren't enough. Why? Because the magazines tell us we aren't as beautiful as the actresses on the cover? Bull! We are just as beautiful! The only thing that they have on their side is photo shop. I'd say that they also have confidence on their side, but I can't be sure. There could be some actresses out there who are just as self-conscious as you or I. Have you not seen those covers of the same actresses when they are caught without makeup or having a bad day? They are just like us.

Comparing ourselves to others is the exact reason why we have self-conscious teens taking their own lives, because they feel they aren't enough. We all do it. We sit and compare ourselves to others, and nitpick every single thing we don't like about ourselves and others. We've got it in our brains that the only way we can feel better about ourselves is by pointing out the flaws in others. It's true that we find flaws in others that are our own worst flaws. We're doing ourselves an injustice by putting others down. Especially when one of the best things we can do to build our happiness is by building other people up. Giving them compliments, and appreciating all of the unique people who live around us, who make the world better with their unique traits, is exactly what will makes us feel 100 times happier.

This idea that we have got in our heads of the ideal look, the perfect body shape, the perfect makeup, or the perfect hairstyle is completely bogus. It's all of us trying to have something exactly like the person who first introduced it. Well let me tell you something, it won't ever look like it does on them, because our body shape is completely different, we don't have the same facial structure, our head does not have the same hair line, or thick hair, and we are not the same person! We don't understand how much our lives are being altered because we are trying to be beautiful.

When I was in the eighth grade I was trying to help my friends who were bulimic, or anorexic. I made sure that the bathroom was not accessible and that food wasn't an option. I could never understand the need to take such drastic measures to alter your body. I understand now how easy it must have been to feel inadequate in their own body. The pressures of having the perfect body shape is something no one should feel.

I have recently been on the other side of eating disorders and insecurities. I have just realized that I had an issue without even knowing. It has become more apparent now that I am some what of a binge eater. I will go all day without eating anything, or hardly anything. Then when I finally get to eat, I eat quite a bit. I have become even worse about it because I don't like taking shots with every meal. :/ I would rather take 1 shot for all of my meals than 4 or 5 a day. I know that's not how it's supposed to be, and it's not healthy. It sure is easier though!

Recently with the diabetes I have struggled a lot with my body image. At first I was losing a lot of weight, I got down to 105 lbs when my blood sugar was high. I thinned out a lot because my body was struggling. Then when I was diagnosed I started to go to the gym a lot more frequently. I started to gain amazing self confidence and I was loving how I looked. Well, then I got in a funk and stopped taking my insulin, which again made me lose a lot of weight. I didn't change hardly at all at that time because I was losing more weight. Now that I am taking insulin and haven't been a frequent gym goer I have gained a lot of weight. It's been hard to have all of these changes happen and is confusing on your brain about your body image. To be honest with you I am the same size I was before I got sick, and a healthy weight for my height and age. I am becoming so healthy, and I don't look sick anymore and yet I still have a hard time with my body image.

Why? I shouldn't have a problem at all. I am still a relatively very small girl, and I am not overweight. I am bothered because I know that at one point I had more muscle definition than this, and now that's gone. It's sad to me that girls will be so upset about their body image simply because they aren't someone else's size, shape, or have their muscle definition. Seriously? We should be proud that we aren't like someone else! You are you, and no one can do that better than you. Size shouldn't matter, health should matter. Muscle definition shouldn't matter, health should matter. Shape shouldn't matter, health should matter. Insecurities don't matter, happiness matters. That's what is going to outshine your muscle definition, shape, or size. People can see your happiness radiate from you. They will see that you are healthy, and happy and they won't even notice if your pants don't fit quite right, or that they might be a little too big. I know that it is a lot easier said than done to stop worrying about your body image. I have battled with feeling too big, or too little, and it's not worth it. It just adds extra stress to your body, and let's be honest, that doesn't help at all!

Our bodies are absolutely amazing. We are made to make humans, who can say that!? Your body is functioning and it will make extra space for all of the food you are eating, or the baby you are carrying. We have amazing bodies. We should be so proud of ourselves, because we deal with a lot! Don't stress yourself out because you put on weight, or you are too small. You're beautiful and you know what? Everyone can see that except for yourself. Open your eyes! As much as we say that we get it, we just don't get it. Ladies, have some confidence, because you are incredible.

Dealing With A Loss.

May 13, 2014

I feel like a part of me is dead.. It's been a while since I've seen your presence, but I know you're gone completely now. Life has been much harder since you've left me. I have had to compensate quite a lot for losing you. I never realized how good you were to me until now. You helped keep me normal and healthy. You were always there to help me deal with the unhealthy things I threw at you, and now I have to really be careful. You helped save me a ton of money, and I never even knew I was saving it until now.

I should have been more grateful for you. If I would have known in time I would have treated you better. I wouldn't have stressed you out so much. If only I had known then what I know now, things would have been different. I would have worshiped you and taken such great care of you. I would have given you everything you liked, and stayed away from the things you didn't. If I would have known in time, I would have appreciated you.

It shows how much I miss you in my face, I look tired all of the time. Sometimes, I even lose all of the color in my face. I looked much healthier when you were around. I looked much happier when you were around. I was happy, and far less moody. You'd be amazed how consistent I was when you were around. I even stayed the same weight for over 6 years, until you left me. My skin was almost blemish free, and now it's covered in bruises, and small marks. I had so much energy when you were around, and now that is lost.

I never appreciated you the way I should have, Pancreas. You were so good to me, and I never knew until I lost you. I miss you everyday, and I wish you were here more and more. I hope that others will realize how amazing their life is since they have you, Pancreas.

Insulin Pump

May 12, 2014

This has quite possibly been the most annoying process I have done. In order to get an insulin pump to help make giving myself injections a little easier I have to check my blood sugar 4 times a day for the next 30 days. Now, I know that I should be doing that anyways, but I have a very busy life. I take care of myself the best I can right now. It is frustrating to me that people who have never experienced a day with diabetes in their lives should dictate my medical supplies.

An insulin pump would make my life so much simpler because it is only one needle every 3 days. I can give myself injections simply by punching in how many carbohydrates I am eating for the meal. Seriously, I can't even imagine how awesome it will be for me to have an insulin pump.

I have wanted an insulin pump since I was first diagnosed. I knew that it would make my life a lot simpler, but I didn't know I just had to ask the doctor about it. When I explained to the doctors that I felt it would be a lot better for me if I had an insulin pump they were ready to start helping me. They sent in some paper work and I got a phone call within a week. When I got the call the lady I spoke with went over the process and let me know that she would be helping me get my pump. She has been very nice to work with, and let me know up front that I would need to take logs of my blood sugar in order for one of my insurances to help pay for my pump.

I've already sent in logs for 30 days, but she wouldn't accept them since the logs were not consistent enough. I am currently working on new logs to send in, that will hopefully be a little more consistent for them. It has been a very frustrating, and tedious process. However, I definitely think that it has helped improve my health immensely over the last couple of months. So, for now, I will keep on keeping on.

Confessions.

April 28, 2014

Diabetes never gets easier. It gets bearable, second nature, your life, part of your daily routine, less noticeable, but it never gets easier. You'll get really great at managing your diabetes, but that doesn't protect you from falling off the wagon. It doesn't protect you from getting angry. Let me tell you, I am angry today.

I am angry that I have to wait to get prescriptions, before I can have the things that help me live. I am angry with the pharmacist who told me that insurance and my other groups who help pay for my medicine won't cover it because I am using more than they expected. I am angry that in order to get a pump I have to increase the amount of times I check my blood sugar a day, which in turn increases the amount of test strips a day. With my test strips being increased it means that I run out a lot quicker, and they won't be paid for simply because I used them too fast. They cover $20-30 of my supplies, but that $20-30 makes all of the difference. I am angry because when I went to pay for  my supplies today (not even getting my insulin that I need) the screen read over $100. I am angry that I almost burst into tears right there, in front of that register. I am angry that I know I'll spend at least $50 more when I go and pick up my insulin.

I am angry that when I left the store I called to hear about my test results and they told me that my A1C was inadequate. (A1C is a test that determines your overall blood sugar for the last 3 months.) When I went in 3 months ago my A1C was 15.1, that's very high. That's an average of 400 for my blood sugar, when I should be at 100. I called today and they said that my A1C has gone down to 11, making my average blood sugar 280. I am so, so pleased with that. It has been very difficult to get back in the habit of taking insulin and checking my blood sugar. I've been doing it and I have gotten it down by that much! I am so thrilled with that, and then on the other end of the phone I hear her tell me, "280 is still too high of a blood sugar, and we need to work on getting that down." You won't work on anything. I am doing this alone, and no one is here to hold my hand, or give me my shots for me. So, no, we won't work on getting that down together. You won't tell me that my A1C is still an inadequate reading. That is amazing for me, and a real sense of accomplishment, because it shows my will power and my dedication to being healthy. No, it's not perfect, but it's a damn good start. 

I am angry, because the people who hold everything I need to improve my health in their hands are the ones who have never had to experience a day of being diabetic in their lives. I am angry that someone without diabetes is qualified to tell my that I need to do better, when they have never known the struggle. I am angry that I might have to get a second job simply to pay for my medical needs. I am angry that some people get to have a second job to pay for vacations and expensive things, while I get to pay for medical supplies every month. I am angry that I am financially behind, because I have had to adjust to having all of these new expenses.

I am angry with God for giving me this disease. I am angry that there are others who suffer with this disease. I am angry that the people who have help for us will only help us if we follow their terms, or pay them large amounts of money. I am so angry that I and many others have to suffer emotionally, physically, mentally, and financially because of a disease we had no say in having. I am angry with myself for being so angry, when I know there are people out there in the world suffering from worse things.

It is okay to be angry. You are going to have days where you just want to scream, "Why me? Why is this something I have to deal with?" No one can tell you that your emotions aren't justified. You are the only one who can say that you need to stop feeling that way. Eventually you won't be angry anymore, and you will be exhausted from all of the anger festering inside of you.

My advice; Be angry, then let it go. No, I may not have money to spend on my medical supplies, but I know that I need them. I also know that somehow, someway I will have enough money to survive. I may not like to put aside extra time for insulin shots, carb counting, or cooking my food, but I can do it. It'll help to get better with time management, and planning ahead. No, it's not easy to hear someone tell you that you need to do better, but it'll help you learn patience. It'll help you to forgive, even when they may have no idea they've offended you.

My advice; Don't fall off the wagon. Be dedicated to your health and well being. Take it day by day, or minute by minute if you have to. Breathe, and let go of the things you have no way of changing. Embrace your disease, because it could be the thing that makes you in to the best version of yourself. Help when you can. Volunteer your time to help raise money for research studies. It won't get easier if you have a terrible attitude and mindset. It won't become second nature if you are refusing to make it a habit. Realize that it isn't just about you. You are not the only one who suffers with this. Think of ways you can help them, and in return you can help yourself. My last bit of advice; Don't be so hard on yourself. You are amazing and you are doing an incredible job at managing your disease. You can get better, there is always room for improvement. As of right now, you are doing a marvelous job. Be proud of yourself, and your accomplishments.

It may not be easy, but you can make it worth it.