How I Lost Five Pounds In A Day!

August 14, 2014

    I'm actually quite excited to tell you how I lost my five pounds, because they really were bothering me. I have felt very unhappy about my body. I would look at myself and all I would see was room for improvement. For what? For me to like my own body? No, I wanted other people to approve of my body. To approve of the clothes I wore, or the way I did my hair. I wanted to impress people who aren't going to matter in 5 years, hell they might not even matter in a few months. I wasn't trying to impress myself, and I'm the only one who will matter 100 years from now, because I am the only certainty in this scenario. 

    So, do you want to know how I lost those five pounds? I got rid of the scale saying that I was a normal weight. I got rid of the notion that I am going to stay the same weight, and the same size my whole life. I'm never going to stay the same, and I am so grateful for that. You can't become someone amazing, and accomplish amazing things by staying exactly the same. You have to change because there is no more room for improvement when you've perfected where you're at in your life. It may not seem like you've perfected it, because you gained those pounds or you have new circumstances pop up, but that's just the start of your new stage in life. 

   I've weighed the exact same weight for well over 5 years. I was so proud of it and I felt so accomplished, until a few days ago when I realized why I'd never gained weight. I had never exercised to maintain my weight, and I ate really whatever I wanted. I didn't take care of myself like we all should, and I realized that I didn't gain weight because I wasn't healthy. My pancreas had already started to fail me and that was the exact reason I wasn't gaining weight. I couldn't absorb any nutrients (not like I was eating right back then anyways.). I have gained 15 pounds, so what? I am healthy, I am happy, and most of all I am alive. Yes, it's a shock to gain weight and look healthy when you've been sick for so long, but it's not a bad thing. 

   I find it so sad that looking sick is considered beautiful. That being "skinny" is such a big deal that girls are willing to harm their body to get to that point. I am all for you losing weight if that's what you decide, but not because you want to impress someone, or you don't think you're beautiful the way you are. Now, I'm talking about the whole picture, not just your weight. I'm talking about inside and out. You have to be okay with yourself as a person before you go and change your appearance. My reasoning is that even if you change your appearance entirely, you'll still be unhappy with yourself, eventually. That feeling won't go away by losing weight, or getting a nose job. You aren't born thinking you're imperfect. You're born perfectly, and then you grow up and society starts showing you what's beautiful. Kids start to tease other kids because they were teased. Parents, especially mothers, complain about their appearance, and it shows kids that it's how you are supposed to be. When you were babies it was more than acceptable to look at yourself in the mirror and smile, now you'd be conceited if you did that. It's normal to look in the mirror and be completely unhappy with the person who is looking back at you, and it shouldn't be that way. Getting a nose job isn't going to help you feeling insecure as a person. It's a temporary fix to a much bigger problem. 

   This is something that I've struggled with a lot. I have a hard time not looking how I think I should. The only problem is that I look like a healthy person. No, I'm not fit, and I don't have abs or any of that, but I'm healthy. I finally have a body that is functioning and I have a hard time accepting that. I now have an artificial pancreas (my insulin pump) that is helping me live a healthier life. You know what? I struggled the first couple of days wearing it because it made me look different. On top of not having the fit body that I want I now have tubing attached to me all of the time. The other day I got my sensor put in and now I have another thing attached to me. I could hide them and make it so that no one can see them, but I am not going to do that. I don't want people with diabetes to hide it simply because it makes them different. You're different regardless of the disease that you have. Yes, I had a hard time getting used to them at first, but I am so happy to have them. I can live a normal life with less limitations now.

   Body image is a huge thing, and it's hard to look different because you have to in order to be healthy. It's even more difficult when there are people who are scared of it and so they poke fun, or they whisper to their friends. Do you know what I see when I see people in the store wearing their pumps proudly, or people with no hair? I see very incredibly strong people who aren't afraid to show the world what they've dealt with, and that they've put up a fight. I see the best advocates for everyone who is different. I see confidence, beauty, and strength. The people who are out walking around and living their lives even though they are visibly different are the ones who had something horrible happen to them, and they aren't letting it eat them alive. It's so easy to stay in your house ashamed of who you are or what you look like and everyday they make the decision to go out into the world and face the staring, whispering, and teasing because they are not afraid to fight for who they are. They are not afraid to stand up for themselves and they are not afraid of that obstacle that was put into their lives. 

   Make it a little easier for everyone to make self improvements and be happy with themselves by ending the teasing, and the body shaming. Make this world a little more inviting by not having one standard of beauty. Every single person on this planet is beautiful in their own way, and instead of trying to see that and help them see it we put them down even more. Try to start seeing everyone for what they are, human. We make mistakes, we don't look the way we think we should, and we don't act the way we should all of the time. We're all the same in that sense, and there's no reason for shaming someone because their imperfections differ from yours. 

Can We Take A Moment To Discuss Something?

June 30, 2014

 I don't write blog posts to whine or to ask for your pity. I write these posts as a form of therapy for myself. I write them in case there is someone out there who can relate to my struggles and helps with their own. I write to be a better person and to use these when I look back at the person I've transformed from. I write because it calms me, and helps me to think and see more clearly. I put some of my deepest confessions on this blog  and I don't ask for your judgment. I ask for you understanding, support, and constructive criticism. I don't want you to pity me or look down upon me. I want you to help by understanding and supporting me.

 I feel as if I have been suffocating for the last few months. The anger I have inside of me about being sick has taken over and consumed me. It's as if I am scuba diving and my only source of oxygen has been tainted. I've been struggling for as long as I can remember, but I have only suffered for the last few months. I mean really suffered. It's as if someone else is controlling my body and I am still in here just trying to force my way back into control.

 I would like to think that I have always been a positive person, and that I can find the best in any situation. That has not been the case the last few months. I have been so unbearably negative that not only do the people around me not want to be around me, but I also don't want to be around me. It's been brutal, because I like being positive. I like when people like to be around me. I like to be a happy person. I want more than anything to be that person again, but it's hard when you are being pulled down by all of the anger.

 I would love to want to be around myself again. I don't want to. I want to be positive and find the good in other people again. I want to find the positive in life again. There is a silver lining to everything in this world, and I would like to see that again. I would like to be so overwhelmingly happy that people wonder if I am on something every time they see me. I would like to be so busy finding the good in everyone and everything that I can't possibly have a bad day. I would like to be so busy helping others that I don't have problems. I want to make the world a better place no matter what I can do.

 Here's the deal, I have been very angry at being sick every single day. I have been very angry that this disease even exists. That anyone should have to deal with this. I have been angry that every single day I find out something else that could become a complication. I am sick of the bruises, the needles, and the money for it. I have just simply been sick of being sick. It's thrown me into a depressive state, and I have allowed it to. I have let it consume my everyday life, and alter my personality. Do you know what I'm really sick of? I'm sick of feeling sorry for myself. I am miserable, but the only one who made it that way, was me. I don't have a worse life than anyone, I just have the worst attitude out of everyone.

 So, I present to you, my solution. No negativity for a month. It's going to be hard at first, but then it will just be a habit after that. I'm going to drastically alter my perspective and my attitude towards life. I am spending a month finding one simple happiness every single day and documenting it. I am going to thrive with my diabetes and learn as much as I can about it. I am going to fight everyday to have control over my life, because it is just that, my life. I am going to let my passions consume me, and let it propel my life into a better place. I have talent that I have neglected, and I am not going to anymore. Everyday I will ask for strength and endurance, not the easy way out.

 "The problem is not the problem. The problem is your attitude about the problem." 

Help!

June 19, 2014

 Lately I have been very self conscious about everything that I do. I worry that people take pity on me because of my disease. I sometimes don't get included in physically straining activities because my blood sugar could possibly drop. I feel like I get singled out a lot for things that I can't control. If I don't wear makeup and my blood sugar is high, I look very ill, and tired. People seem to notice that quite a lot, and never really understand what it means. If my blood sugar is low, my face will go white as a sheet and I become very weak. I think that people sometimes mistake my appearances, and my weakness during a low blood sugar episode as how I am all of the time. I have struggled a lot recently because I am just trying to get a handle on everything. I am not used to the highs and lows. I am not used to my emotions that are in direct relation to my blood sugar. I am not used to smiling all of the time when I am physically ill at least once a day, every day. I am not used to being angry for no reason, other than high blood sugar. I am not used to being irrational because my blood sugar is low. I appreciate very much everyone who takes the time to notice that I am not feeling well and trying to help. I also appreciate the people who don't notice and expect me to be the same as I always am, no matter how much I want to deck them at the time for not understanding. I am not a weak person, even when I am weak. I would rather push myself to my limits, just to see what my limits are.

 I have been reading a lot of blogs and articles in relation to diabetes, and people's experiences with it. Even if I know everything that they are writing about, I find it comforting to know that I am not alone in my battles. Even though everyone is having different battles, I know that we are facing very similar things. I take comfort in that, and I keep reading because those people were vulnerable and put their words out into the world, simply because they thought that someone was worth helping. I used to be very stubborn about asking for help. I knew I was a strong person from the very beginning, but I have recently come to realize that the most strong people are the ones who put their pride aside and ask for assistance when they need it. I am not ashamed to ask for help anymore, because I know that the one's who help me believe that I am worth helping. The one's who help show that there is truly amazing people left in this world. The one's who help give me hope.

I've Finally Found It!

June 6, 2014

I competed last year in the Miss Utah USA pageant for my very first time. I thought I would only do it the one time, and then I would just call it good. Well, after I did the pageant I realized how life changing it is. It's not about dressing up and looking pretty. It's about the preparation beforehand. It gives you practice on your interview skills, it helps you manage your time, talking to strangers becomes a breeze, your confidence increases tremendously, and you become the healthiest version of yourself. It was an experience that I could never replace. I don't think there is anything in this world that challenges you quite like a pageant. It really was a very rewarding experience for me. I debated for months after the pageant if I would compete again, and I just felt like I should. I knew I needed a goal for this year, and I have finally decided what it is. I couldn't be more excited!

This year I will have my insulin pump and I plan on wearing it the entire competition. I will be wearing it on stage in swimwear, and evening gown. This year my goal is not to win the pageant, it's to merely be on the stage with my pump. Let me tell you why this is so important to me.

Diabetes is not a glamorous disease by any means. You have to give yourself shots, check your blood sugar by pricking your finger, and changing the site of your insulin pump. You can get bruises from your shots. You get little red marks from every shot you take, at least for a little while. Your fingers are callused from all of the finger pricks, and you can see the marks from the lancet. When you change the site for your insulin pump you will have scars (Not something I know firsthand, yet). There is tubing attached to your pump that is your new favorite accessory. To sum it up for you, diabetes is far from a glamorous disease. Being someone who has diabetes, and is involved in pageantry it makes sense to me that I should proudly showcase both of them.

My goal this year is to make such an ugly disease as glamorous as I possibly can. To bring awareness to all that you deal with as a diabetic, and hopefully open some eyes to the disease.

The statement I'd like to make with my insulin pump, is that you are beautiful no matter the disease, no matter the shape, no matter the terminal illness. No matter who you are, you are a beautiful person, inside and out.

I'm embracing this disease that I was given. It's going to be one of my strongest passions, and the best way of living. I am going to do something to help others. To help little girls who might not find themselves appealing simply because of the pump they wear that keeps them alive. Actually, to help anyone who struggles with their image based on something that's attached to them.

There's no cure for type 1 diabetes. There is a cure for the insecurities attached to it.


If you'd like to follow my journey with the pageant this year I'll be posting more to my Facebook page.


If you'd like to help support me this year I am asking for donations for the fees of the venue, and my dress you can go here: http://www.gofundme.com/KarrieForMissUT2015

Everything that is donated, and all of the sponsors I gain, I plan on paying it forward 100%. There will be more to come on how in a few weeks. Thank you in advance for all of your support.

Girls: We Just Don't Get It.

May 14, 2014

We think that we know everything, and that may be true for a lot of things, but there's one thing we'll never get; We are beautiful. We never will understand that each and every one of us are absolutely beautiful in our own perfect way. We were made perfectly for the lives that we will lead. Some of us have diseases that show on our bodies, and some of us were born without limbs. We are each different in our perfectly unique ways. We will each be an inspiration to the people around us in the way that we present ourselves, and the confidence we let shine.

Yet, all of us struggle with body image. We struggle with being confident in our skin, and thinking we aren't enough. Why? Because the magazines tell us we aren't as beautiful as the actresses on the cover? Bull! We are just as beautiful! The only thing that they have on their side is photo shop. I'd say that they also have confidence on their side, but I can't be sure. There could be some actresses out there who are just as self-conscious as you or I. Have you not seen those covers of the same actresses when they are caught without makeup or having a bad day? They are just like us.

Comparing ourselves to others is the exact reason why we have self-conscious teens taking their own lives, because they feel they aren't enough. We all do it. We sit and compare ourselves to others, and nitpick every single thing we don't like about ourselves and others. We've got it in our brains that the only way we can feel better about ourselves is by pointing out the flaws in others. It's true that we find flaws in others that are our own worst flaws. We're doing ourselves an injustice by putting others down. Especially when one of the best things we can do to build our happiness is by building other people up. Giving them compliments, and appreciating all of the unique people who live around us, who make the world better with their unique traits, is exactly what will makes us feel 100 times happier.

This idea that we have got in our heads of the ideal look, the perfect body shape, the perfect makeup, or the perfect hairstyle is completely bogus. It's all of us trying to have something exactly like the person who first introduced it. Well let me tell you something, it won't ever look like it does on them, because our body shape is completely different, we don't have the same facial structure, our head does not have the same hair line, or thick hair, and we are not the same person! We don't understand how much our lives are being altered because we are trying to be beautiful.

When I was in the eighth grade I was trying to help my friends who were bulimic, or anorexic. I made sure that the bathroom was not accessible and that food wasn't an option. I could never understand the need to take such drastic measures to alter your body. I understand now how easy it must have been to feel inadequate in their own body. The pressures of having the perfect body shape is something no one should feel.

I have recently been on the other side of eating disorders and insecurities. I have just realized that I had an issue without even knowing. It has become more apparent now that I am some what of a binge eater. I will go all day without eating anything, or hardly anything. Then when I finally get to eat, I eat quite a bit. I have become even worse about it because I don't like taking shots with every meal. :/ I would rather take 1 shot for all of my meals than 4 or 5 a day. I know that's not how it's supposed to be, and it's not healthy. It sure is easier though!

Recently with the diabetes I have struggled a lot with my body image. At first I was losing a lot of weight, I got down to 105 lbs when my blood sugar was high. I thinned out a lot because my body was struggling. Then when I was diagnosed I started to go to the gym a lot more frequently. I started to gain amazing self confidence and I was loving how I looked. Well, then I got in a funk and stopped taking my insulin, which again made me lose a lot of weight. I didn't change hardly at all at that time because I was losing more weight. Now that I am taking insulin and haven't been a frequent gym goer I have gained a lot of weight. It's been hard to have all of these changes happen and is confusing on your brain about your body image. To be honest with you I am the same size I was before I got sick, and a healthy weight for my height and age. I am becoming so healthy, and I don't look sick anymore and yet I still have a hard time with my body image.

Why? I shouldn't have a problem at all. I am still a relatively very small girl, and I am not overweight. I am bothered because I know that at one point I had more muscle definition than this, and now that's gone. It's sad to me that girls will be so upset about their body image simply because they aren't someone else's size, shape, or have their muscle definition. Seriously? We should be proud that we aren't like someone else! You are you, and no one can do that better than you. Size shouldn't matter, health should matter. Muscle definition shouldn't matter, health should matter. Shape shouldn't matter, health should matter. Insecurities don't matter, happiness matters. That's what is going to outshine your muscle definition, shape, or size. People can see your happiness radiate from you. They will see that you are healthy, and happy and they won't even notice if your pants don't fit quite right, or that they might be a little too big. I know that it is a lot easier said than done to stop worrying about your body image. I have battled with feeling too big, or too little, and it's not worth it. It just adds extra stress to your body, and let's be honest, that doesn't help at all!

Our bodies are absolutely amazing. We are made to make humans, who can say that!? Your body is functioning and it will make extra space for all of the food you are eating, or the baby you are carrying. We have amazing bodies. We should be so proud of ourselves, because we deal with a lot! Don't stress yourself out because you put on weight, or you are too small. You're beautiful and you know what? Everyone can see that except for yourself. Open your eyes! As much as we say that we get it, we just don't get it. Ladies, have some confidence, because you are incredible.

Dealing With A Loss.

May 13, 2014

I feel like a part of me is dead.. It's been a while since I've seen your presence, but I know you're gone completely now. Life has been much harder since you've left me. I have had to compensate quite a lot for losing you. I never realized how good you were to me until now. You helped keep me normal and healthy. You were always there to help me deal with the unhealthy things I threw at you, and now I have to really be careful. You helped save me a ton of money, and I never even knew I was saving it until now.

I should have been more grateful for you. If I would have known in time I would have treated you better. I wouldn't have stressed you out so much. If only I had known then what I know now, things would have been different. I would have worshiped you and taken such great care of you. I would have given you everything you liked, and stayed away from the things you didn't. If I would have known in time, I would have appreciated you.

It shows how much I miss you in my face, I look tired all of the time. Sometimes, I even lose all of the color in my face. I looked much healthier when you were around. I looked much happier when you were around. I was happy, and far less moody. You'd be amazed how consistent I was when you were around. I even stayed the same weight for over 6 years, until you left me. My skin was almost blemish free, and now it's covered in bruises, and small marks. I had so much energy when you were around, and now that is lost.

I never appreciated you the way I should have, Pancreas. You were so good to me, and I never knew until I lost you. I miss you everyday, and I wish you were here more and more. I hope that others will realize how amazing their life is since they have you, Pancreas.

Insulin Pump

May 12, 2014

This has quite possibly been the most annoying process I have done. In order to get an insulin pump to help make giving myself injections a little easier I have to check my blood sugar 4 times a day for the next 30 days. Now, I know that I should be doing that anyways, but I have a very busy life. I take care of myself the best I can right now. It is frustrating to me that people who have never experienced a day with diabetes in their lives should dictate my medical supplies.

An insulin pump would make my life so much simpler because it is only one needle every 3 days. I can give myself injections simply by punching in how many carbohydrates I am eating for the meal. Seriously, I can't even imagine how awesome it will be for me to have an insulin pump.

I have wanted an insulin pump since I was first diagnosed. I knew that it would make my life a lot simpler, but I didn't know I just had to ask the doctor about it. When I explained to the doctors that I felt it would be a lot better for me if I had an insulin pump they were ready to start helping me. They sent in some paper work and I got a phone call within a week. When I got the call the lady I spoke with went over the process and let me know that she would be helping me get my pump. She has been very nice to work with, and let me know up front that I would need to take logs of my blood sugar in order for one of my insurances to help pay for my pump.

I've already sent in logs for 30 days, but she wouldn't accept them since the logs were not consistent enough. I am currently working on new logs to send in, that will hopefully be a little more consistent for them. It has been a very frustrating, and tedious process. However, I definitely think that it has helped improve my health immensely over the last couple of months. So, for now, I will keep on keeping on.

Confessions.

April 28, 2014

Diabetes never gets easier. It gets bearable, second nature, your life, part of your daily routine, less noticeable, but it never gets easier. You'll get really great at managing your diabetes, but that doesn't protect you from falling off the wagon. It doesn't protect you from getting angry. Let me tell you, I am angry today.

I am angry that I have to wait to get prescriptions, before I can have the things that help me live. I am angry with the pharmacist who told me that insurance and my other groups who help pay for my medicine won't cover it because I am using more than they expected. I am angry that in order to get a pump I have to increase the amount of times I check my blood sugar a day, which in turn increases the amount of test strips a day. With my test strips being increased it means that I run out a lot quicker, and they won't be paid for simply because I used them too fast. They cover $20-30 of my supplies, but that $20-30 makes all of the difference. I am angry because when I went to pay for  my supplies today (not even getting my insulin that I need) the screen read over $100. I am angry that I almost burst into tears right there, in front of that register. I am angry that I know I'll spend at least $50 more when I go and pick up my insulin.

I am angry that when I left the store I called to hear about my test results and they told me that my A1C was inadequate. (A1C is a test that determines your overall blood sugar for the last 3 months.) When I went in 3 months ago my A1C was 15.1, that's very high. That's an average of 400 for my blood sugar, when I should be at 100. I called today and they said that my A1C has gone down to 11, making my average blood sugar 280. I am so, so pleased with that. It has been very difficult to get back in the habit of taking insulin and checking my blood sugar. I've been doing it and I have gotten it down by that much! I am so thrilled with that, and then on the other end of the phone I hear her tell me, "280 is still too high of a blood sugar, and we need to work on getting that down." You won't work on anything. I am doing this alone, and no one is here to hold my hand, or give me my shots for me. So, no, we won't work on getting that down together. You won't tell me that my A1C is still an inadequate reading. That is amazing for me, and a real sense of accomplishment, because it shows my will power and my dedication to being healthy. No, it's not perfect, but it's a damn good start. 

I am angry, because the people who hold everything I need to improve my health in their hands are the ones who have never had to experience a day of being diabetic in their lives. I am angry that someone without diabetes is qualified to tell my that I need to do better, when they have never known the struggle. I am angry that I might have to get a second job simply to pay for my medical needs. I am angry that some people get to have a second job to pay for vacations and expensive things, while I get to pay for medical supplies every month. I am angry that I am financially behind, because I have had to adjust to having all of these new expenses.

I am angry with God for giving me this disease. I am angry that there are others who suffer with this disease. I am angry that the people who have help for us will only help us if we follow their terms, or pay them large amounts of money. I am so angry that I and many others have to suffer emotionally, physically, mentally, and financially because of a disease we had no say in having. I am angry with myself for being so angry, when I know there are people out there in the world suffering from worse things.

It is okay to be angry. You are going to have days where you just want to scream, "Why me? Why is this something I have to deal with?" No one can tell you that your emotions aren't justified. You are the only one who can say that you need to stop feeling that way. Eventually you won't be angry anymore, and you will be exhausted from all of the anger festering inside of you.

My advice; Be angry, then let it go. No, I may not have money to spend on my medical supplies, but I know that I need them. I also know that somehow, someway I will have enough money to survive. I may not like to put aside extra time for insulin shots, carb counting, or cooking my food, but I can do it. It'll help to get better with time management, and planning ahead. No, it's not easy to hear someone tell you that you need to do better, but it'll help you learn patience. It'll help you to forgive, even when they may have no idea they've offended you.

My advice; Don't fall off the wagon. Be dedicated to your health and well being. Take it day by day, or minute by minute if you have to. Breathe, and let go of the things you have no way of changing. Embrace your disease, because it could be the thing that makes you in to the best version of yourself. Help when you can. Volunteer your time to help raise money for research studies. It won't get easier if you have a terrible attitude and mindset. It won't become second nature if you are refusing to make it a habit. Realize that it isn't just about you. You are not the only one who suffers with this. Think of ways you can help them, and in return you can help yourself. My last bit of advice; Don't be so hard on yourself. You are amazing and you are doing an incredible job at managing your disease. You can get better, there is always room for improvement. As of right now, you are doing a marvelous job. Be proud of yourself, and your accomplishments.

It may not be easy, but you can make it worth it. 

Family Fun Time?

April 24, 2014

Parties and catching up with friends have made food more of a socialization than a necessity. With me food is a necessity and not a socialization anymore. I choose not to eat a lot of carbohydrates, which makes it very difficult to go out and eat because most places have a very high amount of carbohydrates in their meals. Even when I do, I have to go into the restroom, check my blood sugar, and give myself insulin. This leaves the person I am with alone at the table, waiting for me. It's not difficult to do, just very annoying.

It makes it hard to go to parties because a lot of the food is not in a package with a label telling me the carbohydrates. Most of the time it's all in bowls or on plates just waiting to be consumed. This makes it so I have to guess how many carbs are in what I'm eating and hope that I have guessed correctly. Another thing with food is that at most parties there are very few low carbohydrated foods. That means that I am taking extra insulin because it's not what I usually eat.

I have a hard time at parties because I definitely have some mood swings. Usually right after I eat for a few minutes at least I get pretty grumpy. I can't even help it. What your blood sugar is definitely determines your mood. I haven't quite figured out how to control my moods even with my blood sugar changing. So, sometimes at large functions when I am not in a good mood I'll spend time by myself until it changes. Not everyone understands that.

I know that this might not make sense, but I don't enjoy holiday gatherings anymore. It's difficult right now, because I am trying to eat healthily, but most of the gatherings the food isn't that healthy. I know that it's no one else's problem to worry about how many carbohydrates are in your food. Naturally they are going to just keep on with tradition, because my life is the only one that has changed. I realize that this is unfair of me to say I don't like holiday gatherings anymore. I suppose that I am still adjusting, and I could always bring my own food, or make a low carbohydrated meal for everyone else as well.

I am still adjusting to my new life and learning how to handle every unique situation thrown my way. I think I am mainly writing this particular blog post to explain my behavior at functions. I still love holidays and spending time with friends and family, I just don't like the food aspect as much anymore.

My Sweet Friends, This One is For You.

April 23, 2014

I want to give you as much advice as I can. Understandably, I don't have all of the answers, and most of my advice is based on personal experiences. I am not going to sugar coat it (Sorry for all of the bad diabetes puns. I think they're funny. :P), diabetes isn't easy. It is one of the hardest adjustments you will have to make. Don't think about it, just take it head on.

You have to give yourself injections now, that's how your life is. Don't fight it. When I was first diagnosed I adjusted immediately. I did absolutely everything I was supposed to, and it was, so far, the easiest time being diabetic. When I got lazy and forgot to take injections is when everything started to go downhill. Yes, you can skip an injection and live. Yes, you can still eat a lot of sugar. Should you do this? No, absolutely not. Not because it is unhealthy, but because it makes it that much easier to do it again and again. First, you're skipping injections only a few times, then it's a few times a week, then it's a few times a day, and then you have stopped taking insulin altogether. No, you won't die from not taking injections, not right away anyways. I lived for months not taking my insulin, or checking my blood sugar. I was very, very unhealthy though. I lost a lot of weight, I got a lot of pains, I was always sleeping, and I was very incredibly emotional. A few weeks in to not taking my insulin I just kept wishing I could be admitted to the hospital. I wanted to go back, because I knew they would help get me back to a good routine. I knew they would bring my blood sugar levels back down. I wanted to be admitted to the hospital because I knew I was very unhealthy, and I needed help.

No, my sweet friends, you can not eat doughnuts for breakfast, fast food for lunch, and pasta, pizza, and ice cream for dinner. Well, you can, but you shouldn't. It is so much easier to regulate your diabetes by eating healthy foods and less carbohydrates. You feel better about yourself, and you literally feel better physically. I always feel like I weigh a lot more when I eat a lot of carbohydrates. I'm not even quite sure how I can explain how you feel when you eat healthy, but just trust me that you will feel amazing if you do. Try it for a couple of weeks, you won't regret it.

Please, please go to the gym! Okay, you don't have to go to the gym, but please be physically active. Go for a walk, do some sit ups, lunges, squats, just do something! It's not for you to get in shape, or lose weight, not necessarily anyways. Just being physically active helps so much with your diabetes. It helps keep your blood sugars level, and wake up your pancreas to function more. The reason I was completely normal when I didn't take my insulin is because I was going to the gym so much that it acted as insulin. I don't recommend you stop taking insulin completely, but it will definitely help so you don't have to take as much. Go to the gym, it helps.

I know that doctors are annoying to go to. These doctor's visits are so helpful to keep you on track. They can help you to know what you need to work on. I also know that they are just going to tell you the basics and send you on your way to figure it out for yourself. It's frustrating, I know. I promise you, if you find the right doctor who specializes in diabetes, they can help you. They have talked to so many other patients and have seen a lot of what diabetes can do. Trust them. They aren't just there to write you prescriptions.

Speaking of prescriptions, they are expensive. Seriously, diabetes will be your new biggest expense. It's so annoying and a huge adjustment financially. There are people, organizations, doctors, and pharmacists who will help you. Look in to it. Take a day and Google all sorts of organizations and programs that will help provide you with the supplies you need. Just look and ask.

Get organized. I know that it seems like a silly thing to do with diabetes, but I promise that it helps. When you have a routine it is so easy to just go with it every single day. If you have all of your food organized and you can see your labels easily it is easier to eat. If you plan your meals in advance it is so much easier to eat healthy. If you have a clean house then it is so much easier to stick to your routine. Maybe try organizing one thing first and if you like it, go crazy with it!

Don't take your disease so seriously. I make diabetes jokes all of the time. Not because I think diabetes is funny or that it is not a big deal, because it is. I make diabetes jokes because it's one of my coping methods. Being diabetic is very hard and if I took it seriously it would drive me nuts. Also, when I don't take it seriously it makes others feel more at ease with it. I don't know what it is but when you have a serious illness it makes people very uncomfortable. Not because of you, but because they don't want to insult you or make you uncomfortable. They aren't sure how to ask questions or help you if they know you take it so seriously. When you make light of your situation it helps others to learn more about your disease.

People worry about you. You may be like me and dislike when people worry about you or treat you like a child, but people will always still worry about you. Diabetes is a scary thing, there is no doubt about that. I'm sure when they told you all of the side effects diabetes can have it kind of freaked you out. Guess what, you aren't the only one who is scared of what could happen to you. There are people who love you and only want the best for you. They want to help you, but they aren't always going to know how. When they worry about you and annoy you by asking what your blood sugar is like, they are just trying to help the only way they know how. Don't push away the people who want the best for you, because they are just as scared as you are. Let them in, because they are your support system.

You are not the only diabetic. It took me a long time to figure that out. Once I did my life was so much easier. I stopped thinking of myself as a victim of diabetes, but now I could be a spokesperson who actually experienced it and lived with it everyday. I took matters into my own hands and started blogging about my experience. Not only have I kept a great log of my journey, but it is incredibly therapeutic. Writing is my outlet, but if you find yours I guarantee it will help you with your new life change. Another thing that helps is reading other's blogs about their experience. It helps so much to know that you aren't alone and that there are people in the world who have made it past all of the things you are going through right now. Talk to someone who is diabetic and has been for a while. They can help you just simply by talking. I'm pretty sure that there is an unspoken bond between diabetics, and that's pretty awesome. You will have an instant friend if you meet another diabetic.

My last bit of advice for you, don't ever be ashamed to be diabetic. You are an incredibly strong person, and you need to give yourself more credit. You give yourself multiple injections a day, and prick your finger multiple times a day. You are always thinking ahead, and fight for a better life every single day. You are amazing! Diabetes can help you if you own it instead of letting it control your life. My advice for you, my sweet friends, don't fight it. You are diabetic now. That is your life, and you will live.

Traveling With Diabetes

April 21, 2014

[Disclaimer: Like I have said time and time again, diabetes varies for every single person. Not everything I say and experience is the same that other diabetics feel or experience. When I write every blog post it is purely from my own experience, thoughts, and feelings.]


I recently took a trip to California to visit my sister, her husband, and my new nephew. The last actual trip I took that was long distance and more than 3 days was last year, before I was diagnosed. That was a very hard trip for me. I was sick the whole time, I had to stop every couple of hours on the drive, I was always hungry, and dehydrated. My recent trip to California was not that difficult, but it was a challenge for me.

Now, don't get me wrong, it was a great trip and I had a wonderful host. My sister was amazing at asking me questions, finding out what I could eat, and always making sure I had enough food. I felt a lot of support because of her attentiveness to my disease. The reasons that my trip was a challenge were mostly brought on by my own feelings.

Since all of that is out of the way, let me dive in. Everyday I feel like I am packing to go on a small trip. I have to make sure that I have enough insulin, pen needles, alcohol swabs, sugar, my glucometer, enough test strips, and I usually keep my carb book on hand. Do you know how big of a purse I need?? It's outrageous! Now, with that in mind, think about how much I have to pack for a road trip and week vacation. I had a whole box of pen needles, alcohol swabs, 50+ test strips, and a ton of insulin. Going in to someone's house with all of that stuff I personally feel very awkward. I always worry that they wonder what I do with all of it. I worry that they are going to think that I'm just leaving it lying around. I am a very cleanly diabetic. I don't like to leave anything anywhere that someone could have access to it. I always dispose of my needle tips and test strips properly. I know that my hosts don't know that though. I feel as if I need to have a pamphlet explaining my diabetes everywhere I go to let everyone know what it is, how I treat it, and what they need to know just in case.

I worry that no matter how cautious I am with my supplies that some one might get their hands on them. My biggest fear with traveling is that my gracious hosts will be upset with me if an accident were to occur. If somehow, some way my supplies will get in the wrong hands, most likely little kid hands, that something will go terribly wrong. I also have a fear that my hosts will have the same fear I do; That they will worry when I check my blood sugar, or give myself insulin that I won't take care of it properly. I know that I take care of it properly and I am more than careful, so there should be no reason for them to worry. I know that it is just my illogical worries that make travelling hard for this reason.

Another thing that makes traveling difficult is that I don't feel comfortable doing any of this in front of my hosts. I don't know if they want to know anything about how I care for myself, or anything about the disease. I never do any of this in front of their children, because I don't want them to get the wrong idea and think they can do the same thing. I also don't want to explain it to the parents, because I have no idea how it will effect their children. Again, I know that this is all my thoughts, but I just don't want to overstep my boundaries.

It is hard to be a guest in someone's home especially because of meals. I find it very rude to not eat something that my host prepares. I also find it rude to not finish everything on my plate. The reason it is so difficult is because I have already had to change all of my eating habits. I measure all of my food, I count all of my carbohydrates and I try not to eat many of them. I have had to change  I can't very well take over their kitchen, measure their food, and only eat a few carbohydrates, now can I? I can't change their eating habits in such a short time, nor should I. I had such a hard time because it is so much harder to count carbohydrates just by looking at the plate, and not measuring. Again, luckily I had an amazing host, and she kept all of the labels and let me dirty her dishes to measure.

We road tripped to California from Utah, it was a fourteen hour drive. I had to stop frequently to check my blood sugar, and to eat. I've never had such a hard time driving a long distance as I did on this trip. I just didn't feel well the whole time, and I kept getting so tired. I wanted to be very careful keeping track of my blood sugar because it is very dangerous to drive if your blood sugar is off. It made the trip a lot longer, I was a lot more unpleasant, and it was very hard on me.

Also, I was reading the other day an article on tips for travelling with diabetes. It talks about when you are traveling you should always split up your supplies into different bags, just in case one of them gets lost you still have everything you need. It talks about taking a letter from your doctor to the airport with you to avoid going through such a long process to explain all of the medications you need, the disease you have, how you need to treat your disease and when. It states how you should move around a lot because with diabetes you can get blood clots a lot easier. Finally, it talks about how your pump can malfunction when you are flying because of the cabin pressure changing. {If you want to read the full article here is the link: www.battlediabetes.com/articles/diabetes/travel-tips-for-people-with-diabetes]

I want to travel more than anything in the world. I want to see all of the beauty  in the world, and experience all of the different cultures I can. I know it is very possible to be a traveling diabetic, it just takes a lot of practice to become better at it. Isn't that how everything is though? It's not even as bad as it was for me on this trip, it's just because of my personality and my worries. I don't want to feel like my disease is a problem for anyone else than me. It shouldn't be.

Typical Girl

April 20, 2014

[ Disclaimer:I don't like that this is okay! That it's okay for girls to sit there and nit pick every single thing wrong with their body. I don't like that we are told to look a certain way, or feel a certain way. I don't like that we are driving ourselves crazy, and making ourselves unhappy. I don't like that every single girl has at one point in their lives felt she wasn't beautiful or good enough. ]

You are beautiful. 

You are enough.

You are loved.

Every single girl has insecurities, they wish they could change at least one thing about themselves. Especially physical insecurities, I have a whole bunch! In fact, this blog is very hard for me to write because I weigh the most I have ever weighed in my life. I have the most extra skin I have ever had in my life. I am the most unsatisfied with how I have let my body go than I ever have been. Here is a list of some of the things I don't like the most:

I don't like that my lips sometimes get dry. 

I don't like the dark circles under my eyes. 

I don't like having zits on my face.

I don't like that no matter how much I exercise, 

I will always have this little belly. 

I don't like that I have cellulite. 

I don't like that I have stretch marks.

I don't like that I have a much more round stomach

just at the bottom of my torso. 

I don't like that I have extra skin under neath

my arms. 

I don't like that I have "love handles".

I don't like how prominent my inner thigh is. 

I don't like how curvy I am.

I don't like my outer thighs.

I don't like that I have short nails.

I don't like that I have split ends.

I don't like that my eyelashes are thin.

I don't like that my skin gets dry.

 Now, let me go back over this list more in depth.

"I don't like that my lips sometimes get dry." Because, I don't drink enough water.

"I don't like the dark circles under my eyes." Because, I don't get enough sleep. 

"I don't like having zits on my face." Because, I stress myself out too much. 

"I don't like that no matter how much I exercise, I will always have my little belly." Because, it's not just about exercise. It's all about eating right. 

"I don't like that I have cellulite." Because, it shows my poor diet, and lack of exercise. 

"I don't like that I have stretch marks." Because, it shows how quickly my body had to make space. 

"I don't like that I have a much more round stomach just at the bottom of my torso." Because, it shows I don't eat well. 

"I don't like that I have extra skin under neath my arms." Because, I am stronger than that shows. 

"I don't like that I have "love handles"." Because, I don't exercise enough. 

"I don't like how prominent my inner thigh is." Because, I don't exercise enough. 

"I don't like how curvy I am." Because, I know I have extra curve where there could be muscle. 

"I don't like my outer thighs." Because, they reveal I don't exercise. 

"I don't like that I have short nails." Because, it shows you my anxiety. 

"I don't like that I have split ends." Because, I damage my hair to try and improve my appearance. 

"I don't like that my eyelashes are thin." Because, I put on mascara to try and improve my appearance. 

"I don't like that my skin gets dry." Because I don't drink enough water. 

I know what you are thinking, "Stop!" (In fact some of you may have even quit reading by now.) It's annoying to hear someone sit there and tell you the things that they don't like about themselves. It's even more annoying when you don't even see the flaws until they point them out. I don't like that I have a list as long as I do of things I don't like about myself physically. I do because of one simple fact; I know that I was born perfectly. Every single one of us was born absolutely perfect. Not perfect for your neighbor, your sister, the president, your favorite actress or actor, and not even for your twin. You were born perfectly for you. I was not born with those love handles, short nails, thighs, dark circles, etc. Those came with time. Those are things that I can change. I don't have to have a surgery to alter my "imperfections". I just have to be the best possible 'me' that I can be. 

Is it starting to become clear the reason I am writing this yet? Let me elaborate even further:

I have noticed that when I am not feeling well physically, mentally, or emotionally it starts to show physically. It is something you can see all throughout your body. That's why when you are having a bad day and feeling awful when you look in the mirror you are going to not like what you see. If you sit there and stare at yourself you can actually see yourself becoming more and more unattractive. However, if you sit there and you stare at yourself while pointing out things you like about yourself you'll become more appealing to yourself. 

When you focus on the negative you are going to get negative back. 

I choose to focus on the things that I can change. I don't want to look at my stretch marks as visually unappealing scars on my body, but rather marks to show how far I have progressed in my life. I don't want to look at my face and see tired eyes, and a stressed out Karrie. I want to look at my face and see all the freckles that cover my face, and the eyes I was given to see the beauty in the world. I don't want to look at my hips and think, "I am way too curvy." But, rather see that I have hips that will make having the gift of making life that much easier. 

When you look at the positive, it becomes that much easier to see all of the beauty in life. 

I want to be 100% satisfied with who I have become. I don't want my children to have any idea what it means to be self-conscious. There is only one reason I would ever let them be dissatisfied with themselves: If they have treated others in a way that they know, with every bit of their soul, is wrong. Even then I would help them fix the situation. I want to live a life with no regrets. Live in a way I would never be ashamed of. Be a person I would be proud to be around anyone, any place, any time. I would want my kids to learn to live the same way. 

Our kids are the next generation, and we are the ones who are going to teach them. 

Don't let self confidence, and pride die with us. 

You are more magnificent than you give yourself credit. 

My Worst Fear

April 9, 2014

I've wanted to write a book about all of my experiences being diabetic, and advice I would give to newly diagnosed diabetics. I've been hesitant because I know that everyone has a different experience with diabetes. Not everyone is going to deal with the same things, or have the same medicine. I know that it's different for absolutely everyone, and I couldn't imagine myself writing this book expecting to relate to everyone in the same way. I know that it's different for everyone, and I know that I am not the "know it all" of diabetes. In fact, I don't know everything there is to know about it, I've just begun to learn. What I do know, is that by writing it all down I have the opportunity to help maybe just one person, and that, that would be enough for me.

I've been hesitant saying anything about my desire to write a book, because I had no clue what I was going to put in it. I didn't even have an idea of how I wanted to write it, or if I even should. Well, it finally hit me. I want to write the book as a letter. I want to write down my experiences, and the advice that I can give. I want to write down my future hopes and goals for my diabetes, and what I want to do for the community.

I also couldn't fathom writing a book about a disease that a lot more people are being diagnosed with for personal gain. If I am writing this to hopefully help newly diagnosed diabetics, then why should my words be the only thing helping them? I know what it's like to have this thrown at you and to struggle. I know how frustrating it is to have to rearrange your whole life to accommodate a change you had no say in. I know exactly what it is like to realize just how much you are going to have to pay for the stupid disease you never asked for. So, why should my words be the only thing helping? I know there are a lot of foundations out there looking for a cure for diabetes. I applaud them, and I hope they find it. However, until then it is still expensive to have diabetes! Even after they find the cure, it will most likely still be expensive to cure your diabetes. With that said, I want to make my own foundation to help the people with diabetes. To help them pay for things that they just might not be able to. No one should have to go without, because they can't afford it. With this book my biggest hope is to help. Even if it's just that one person.

Now, for one of the first pages I want seen in my book:

My dear sweet children,

I want to tell you the truth whenever I can, without taking away your innocence. I want you to know that I will never lie to you, and I will tell you everything when I feel it won’t make you grow up too soon. I don’t know if I will ever need to tell you this, or when I’ll need to, but I just want you to know this: My biggest fear of bringing you into this world is that you will have what mommy has, that I will have passed on my type-one diabetes to you. I would not wish that upon absolutely anyone, and my hope is that you won’t have it too. I only wish the best for you, and will go out of my way to give you just that. Even though I wish and pray that it won’t happen, I know that life is not going to be easy or fair. There are going to be a lot of trials that you face. A lot of them I can’t make any better for you, but I promise I will always be there for you no matter what, no matter when, and no matter where.

I am always preparing myself for the day that I know I’m bringing you into the world. I am learning how to be the best me I can, so that I can be the best mom to you. I know that being healthy is the most important thing I can be, for me and for you, and that is my main focus. I can promise you that health, and exercise are going to be very important parts of our household, but I promise not to deprive you of a normal childhood. We’ll eat healthy all of the time, but you know that I am going to just love spoiling you so we’ll go out and try new treats. I’ll teach you how to be healthy from the very beginning, just in case you will have diabetes. I won’t hide it from you, and I will always answer any questions you have.

I’m writing this to you because diabetes has been the most life changing thing for me so far. It’s going to impact our lives greatly, and I want you to be completely informed. I couldn’t think of anyone I’d want to know all about my experience more than my sweet little babies. There is no one I’d want to share everything with more than you.

I’ll love you always my little ones,

Mom 

Anniversary

March 26, 2014
 I should have wrote this a few weeks ago, because it's been a year and almost a month since I was diagnosed! I wanted to write an anniversary post for everyone, but life got in the way. Better late than never, right?

 I am always going to look forward to March 13, because it's another year I have lived with Diabetes. Let me tell you right now, this year was definitely not going to be the year I am most proud of. I will never repeat

A year ago. Eating my sugar and drinking
a TON of water!

the last year, because it was a constant struggle the last five months. I was very unhealthy, and I could feel it taking over every single part of my life. There are a lot of things that I am very proud of, and that I think greatly impacted my future. There were a lot of lessons that I learned that I will never regret learning. Do I wish there could have been an easier way to learn them? Of course I do! I just know that if it were an easier lesson I could have forgotten it just as easily as it was learned, or even worse, looked over and never learned.

 I will always think of March 13 as the day I got one of my greatest blessings. How wonderful is it that I have such a big motivator to stay in shape, eat healthy, and get into a daily routine. Learning about my disease has increased my interest in the body, and how it all works. Knowing that I have a disease based mostly around what I eat, or don't eat, it makes me want to learn all about nutrition and cooking. Not only has being diabetic improved my overall health, my happiness, and my motivation, but it has increased my craving for knowledge.

 In the big scheme of things, my diabetes has pushed me harder than I ever would have pushed myself into being a better person. Honestly, what more could I ask for? I excelled when I was first diagnosed. I was taught how to take care of myself, and I didn't skip a beat. I did exactly what I was supposed to do and my knowledge increased tremendously in the first couple of months. My health was accelerating rapidly, and I couldn't be more happy. I let myself take a break, and I struggled for months because of it. Now look where I am. Back at the gym, and in the kitchen. I'm getting in the best shape I've ever been in, and my eating habits are better than most people's. I am living the life that everyone can, and all of us should.

The Better, Healthier, Me

 I am so grateful that I was diagnosed with diabetes. Yes, it is very hard. A lot of the time I forget I am even diabetic. It becomes a happy to check your blood sugar before you eat and to take insulin. It becomes a habit to go to the gym. It becomes a habit to read food labels. It becomes a habit to count your carbohydrates. It all becomes a habit over time and gets so much easier. Yes, there are times when I would love to just stuff my face with whatever I wanted, but I know it isn't good for anyone,  not just me. Yes, I would like to just take off and go on an adventure without having to gather all of the things I need, and think about my blood sugar the whole time.

Yes, life would be a lot easier if I were not diabetic, but I don't think it'd be as worth it. 

I Wear My Disease On My Sleeve

February 27, 2014

 It's been a while since I actually sat down and wrote anything about my diabetes. I am going to be very honest and "wear my disease on my sleeve". I'm going to tell you what I think a lot of people experience, but don't ever say out loud. I am going to give you a look inside my life.

 A few months ago I quite literally got my disease on my sleeve. I got a tattoo as a substitute for a medical ID bracelet, necklace, etc. I got quite a few comments stating that they would now cure diabetes, since I did such a permanent alteration to my body. It was also stated that I could get it removed when they found a cure. I actually did think about the possibility of them finding a cure a lot before I got the tattoo. I decided that even if they found a cure I would not get the tattoo removed. After all it is a permanent alteration, not a temporary tattoo, it's meant for life, and I'm alright with that. I am proud to be a diabetic in all it's shapes and forms. You'll never understand until you are put in this situation (hopefully that never happens), but I'm hoping I can put it into perspective a little bit for you. I commend the people who have been doing it all of their lives, because it is not easy. They have made quite a bit of advancement in technology and medicine to help make it easier, but it is still a hard disease to have. Well, here we go.

 When you first find out that you are diabetic they start you out on a vile and syringes or an insulin pen. You have a long acting insulin that works a little bit throughout the day, and then a fast acting insulin that you inject at meal times. So, if you eat 3 meals a day that's three shots. That's a total of 4 shots a day with your long acting insulin.

 You check your blood sugar at least 4 times a day as well. Personally, I test on a different finger every time I check my blood sugar, so that means that most all of your fingers will soon have calluses and you start to feel it a little less. When you check your blood sugar if it's too high you have to correct it using a scale set differently for each individual. Depending on how high your blood sugar is you add extra insulin to the insulin you are already taking for your meal. When you are ready to eat you count all of the carbohydrates in your meal and calculate your insulin intake according to your ratio. For my meal times I do 1 unit of insulin for every 25 carbohydrates. That's when you realize every time you asked, "Will I ever really use math in every day life?" that you were just dumb for asking. Of course you are going to use math in every day life.

 You're told it's best to keep a food diary, keep track of how much insulin you're giving yourself, and keep track of what your blood sugar is each time you check it (Thankfully they have nifty glucometers that keep track of that for you). The longer I've been diabetic the more I realize how helpful that can really be. It's not a consistent disease. It's always going to vary a little bit and if you have something to compare to it's much more helpful. Sure, it's very annoying to write down what you eat and how much insulin you gave yourself, but it's helpful.

 When you go to the store it takes a lot longer because you are checking the food labels to see how many carbohydrates are in each serving size, and how many servings sizes are in each box. If you ever want to go out with your friends you need to have your insulin on you and an idea of how many carbohydrates are in the meal you're going to eat. If you are going to go on an adventure you have to think about your blood sugar and make sure that you have enough sugar around in case you were to drop from the activity. When you go to the gym you also need to make sure that your blood sugar is high enough that you won't drop while working out. If you want to go on a trip you need to make sure that you have all of your insulin, enough syringes or needle tips, enough alcohol swabs, your glucometer and some lancets just in case.

 Another thing about being diabetic is you have to have a lot of self control. It's easy to snack, but as a diabetic you need to watch your carbohydrate intake if you aren't going to take an insulin shot. You need to keep your snacking the lowest amount of carbohydrates in this case. You also need to watch your sweet intake, because they are very full of carbohydrates. This means if there is candy laying on the table you have to do your best to have tunnel vision to those low carbohydrate snacks. When you go to the store you need to ignore those candy aisles, that they seem to have for every stinking holiday. :/ You will soon be very, very good at tunnel vision.

 You are told to get your eyes checked once a year. You are more likely to lose your eyesight if your blood sugar stays consistently higher than normal. You are told to go to the doctor at least once a year. Since I first found out they have me coming in every 3 months to check in with them. The number of visits decrease the better you get at controlling your diabetes and the less you need doctors. Personally I just get annoyed of the doctors because they tell me the same thing every time, "Diabetes isn't a science and it's always changing. It's different in every person and really you just need to experiment and see what works for you." Awesome, here's a bunch of money for you to tell me that it's all on me to determine what I need. Anyways, that's a whole different subject, and I'm getting sidetracked. While you are at these visits it's best if you have them check your feet to make sure that there's no evidence of diabetic nerve pain. If your blood sugar stays consistently high you are more likely to have nerve damage and lose feeling in your feet. You are supposed to check your feet every day to make sure that you don't have any cuts or anything wrong with your feet, since as a diabetic it takes longer for your body to heal. They also suggest to you that it's best not to get pedicures or manicures because you are more likely to get an infection from a cut at a salon than anyone else, since your immune system also starts to suffer from diabetes. Also, when you go in to the doctor they like to check your cholesterol because with diabetes you really don't want it high, because it will increase your likeliness of having heart problems. Another thing you have to be aware of is that if your blood sugar is consistently higher than what it should be you are more likely to have kidney problems. If your blood sugar gets way too high you will most likely go into a diabetic coma or be rushed to the ER. Are you sensing the pattern here? You shouldn't have high blood sugar because it can result in several problems.

 So, let's just pump ourselves full of insulin, right? Wrong. It's also very unhealthy to drop too low. It gets very scary, because your body is so weak and you stop being coherent at a certain point. You could also go into a diabetic coma from being to low, and more than likely be rushed to the ER. This is why you check your blood sugar any time you are feeling even the least bit off. Now, there are some people that are very in tune with their body and know exactly what their blood sugar is. Props to them because they have obviously been diabetic for a very long time. So, the goal here is to stay low but not too low, but you also don't want to be too high either. You have to somehow find the middle. You have to find the perfect insulin ratio and adjust your insulin scale if you need more insulin to help correct your high blood sugar. You have to eat right, but don't cut out carbohydrates altogether because you need that nourishment. You also want to stay consistent with your insulin intake. That means that sure you could go out once in a while and have a big meal full of carbohydrates, but usually you want to eat around the same amount of carbohydrates for every meal. The gym is also very important for you because you want to stay fit. The gym actually helps your body function properly, and helps act as a form of insulin in itself.

 Now, to the real point of this post. I am so proud to show my tattoo and let people know that I'm diabetic, but I usually add that I'm not a very good diabetic. I've thought about it a lot the last few days and I don't agree with myself anymore. There is no such thing as a good or bad diabetic, there just is. I honestly think that at some point in every diabetics life they have been a bad diabetic. That's okay. We're human and we are aloud to make mistakes and learn in our own ways. I have learned in my own way. This next part is very hard for me to say, because I'm not proud of it. I know better. The last few months I have stopped caring about being diabetic. I have been in denial that I even need to give myself shots or check my blood sugar. I know that I've had problems with this before, but it's never been this severe. I've been very sick, and have started to have a lot more health problems. I stopped going to the gym, and basically all I ever did was worked, ate, and slept. I slept more than usual because my body was working so hard to regulate my blood sugar. I had absolutely no energy, or ambition. I got very lazy and started to give up on more than being diabetic. I had no aspirations or goals. My only goal was to go to work. That was it for months.

 I know you must be thinking, "How could you just give up like that?" Well, the answer is simple. Being diabetic is hard. It's a lot of extra work everyday to function like everyone else. It's 5 extra minutes before meals to check your blood sugar, count your carbohydrates, and calculate how much insulin to give yourself. I was told by multiple doctors how important it was to check my blood sugar and give myself insulin, but I already knew that. I knew what could happen if I had consistent high blood sugar, I knew the risks. It's very easy for someone to tell you to check your blood sugar and give yourself insulin, and that is simply because they aren't on the other end of the needles. They don't have to count their carbohydrates or calculate insulin intake to make up for a disease you had absolutely no say in having. It ultimately comes down to how healthy you want to be and what kind of life you want to be living. Diabetes can either control your life or you can control your diabetes. Even people who have had diabetes for years and years get fed up and stop taking care of themselves. It's easy to do, but it's a lot harder to control it.

 They always say that the best things in life don't come easy. It's 100% true. I'm back to checking my blood sugar, giving myself insulin, and eating right. I can already start to tell a difference in my energy level, my ambitions, and my attitude. Sure, I didn't have to poke myself for a few months, but it came at a price. I started to have a lot of pain in my feet and it was hard to work and be on my feet. I started to have my chest pains again, and back pains. I have to up my insulin intake and experiment even more on how much I need. I am having major sugar withdrawals, because I was literally addicted to sugar. I am very slowly getting hydrated again. It was to the point that I needed to take a drink of water every 5 minutes so I didn't feel thirsty. I have to start all over again with my gym routine and slowly work back into it. My immune system took a hit from being so sick all of the time and I got another condition that made it hard to go to the gym. I have costochondritis or pericarditis which is inflammation in the chest wall or in the sack around your heart. It's very painful and it makes it hard to be physically active. I'll just throw this last one out here, since it's very true, I started to get chunky since I stopped being a "good" diabetic. I took 3 steps backwards instead of moving forward.

 Yes, I should have been better about taking insulin, and checking my blood sugar. I should have eaten better and gone to the gym. There are a lot of things I should have done better, but I have learned a lot from this experience. I have gotten a taste of what could happen if I kept going like this, or what I would have to look forward to in my future if I ever chose to do this again. I've learned the importance of an exercise routine, eating right, and taking care of your illnesses properly. I've also learned that I shouldn't be so hard on myself. I am doing the best I can to take control of something I had no control over. I've learned that there is no sense in judging anyone on how they take care of themselves, because it simply doesn't help. The only thing you can do is help support and encourage them to do the best they can. I've learned that even the veterans of diabetes have their moments where they don't take care of themselves, for whatever reason. I've also learned that I am not the only one who struggles in controlling their disease instead of letting it control them.

 I feel a lot more determined now that I've experienced all of this. I am a lot less hard on myself, and I feel like I have a clear head to move forward. I can control this as easily as it controlled me the last few months. I am proud to be a diabetic in all shapes and forms, because we are very strong, determined, and human.

Here's to happy, healthy, new me. 

Today's Word Of The Day: Understanding.

February 11, 2014

 I could have gone my whole life ignoring the commercials about insulin, diabetic nerve pain, and all of the other commercials that spend more time laying out the side effects than the actual product. I could have spent my entire life knowing absolutely nothing about diabetes. I never once paid attention to any diabetes commercials. Now that I have been diagnosed anytime I hear the word diabetes, insulin, nerve pain, anything of that sort, my ears perk right up and I tune out everything else. It's important now, but shouldn't it have always been important? Shouldn't it have meant something to me that there were people in the world struggling like that? I guess it is easy to ignore the struggles in life, unless they're your own. It seems to be that whenever an individual struggles they have the toughest life of anyone, and they're going to let every one know. I'm definitely guilty of doing this. Everyone is important, everyone's struggles matter, that should never change.

 That's one thing I have enjoyed about having diabetes, is that I sympathize a little more with a lot more people. I know that life is hard and we are all just trying to get by. It really is true that you should never judge someone for how they live, because you don't know how much they are struggling. I honestly hope that I am the only one who has had to come to the realization that I am not the only one in the world struggling. My problems are not the only problems that matter. I know that there are people out there who could also have this wake-up call, I just hope that it happens soon. I think that the world would be a much better place if we all were a little more understanding and a lot less judgmental.