We All Seem To Miss What's Important..

April 29, 2013
 This week I've been doing a lot of thinking and trying to move on from some things.. It has been a really hard week and very confusing. I've also been incredibly frustrated with my diabetes because I have to come up with extra money for it. I have to work harder and look for work that I can get enough hours just to be able to pay for my insulin. I am struggling to keep my head above water and I am receiving a lot of help from my loved ones and a lot of great organizations. Sometimes the support I don't feel that I deserve because I haven't gotten my emotions 100% in check. One minute I can be just fine and totally happy and the next I am anxious or fidgety and sometimes I just sit there and stare at the wall and think. A lot of it has to do with where my blood sugar is at because it really does have that big of an impact on me. I feel bad for the people around me because I am still learning to control it. It's like I have PMS 24/7 and those poor people that catch me at a time where I just don't feel like talking at all to anyone under any circumstances. I have been thinking a lot about how I can just let it all go and become a happier me. I have looked for positive in everything and exercised trying to be as healthy as possible. After all a healthy girl is a happy girl. But today it just hit me..

 I did yoga this morning and it was so nice to just relax and physically let go of everything that doesn't do anything positive for me. It really was rejuvenating to just mentally let go of all of my stresses. It showed in the rest of my day. I would just randomly smile and be excited about the simplest of things. I've had a completely different day all because I have changed my thought process. Being happy is one of my main goals in life. Wherever I am, whatever I am doing all that I wish to be is happy. I'm finally learning how to be happy without depending on someone else to put that smile on my face. I am allowing life to change me in anyway it's supposed to because really, what's the worst that could happen? I might actually enjoy waking up and taking everyday head on? How bad is that?

 I've been dying to move away and get a fresh start but I've realized that every place you go will be the same. The climate, land and people might change but if you really start to look for similarities in places you will always find some. There will always be the same type of people and same type of problems wherever you go. The only difference when you move is you have got it in your head that you don't want that life anymore and you do absolutely everything different to try to achieve that goal. What you are changing is your attitude and what you are willing to accept for yourself. I can make a new life for myself right where I am. Everyday we are given another opportunity to change our lives. Just by changing one thing you did the previous day that you might not have been the most pleased with you are automatically making your day a little bit brighter and changing your future. One thing a day to better yourself.. How hard could that really be? Maybe even work on one thing for a week and the next week find something new to work on. That's all it takes is changing one thing to change your entire week. I'm just starting to change my attitude and only better myself from here on out because it really does make that big of a difference to your well being. I'm letting go of the negativity and the things that aren't good for me or the things that I simply just cannot change. I've been sad for so long and so dependent on others for my happiness that I forgot how to just be happy with out anyone making it that way.

Just a simple weed, but the sweetest gesture.

 Being dependent on someone for my happiness and allowing others to bring happiness into my life are two very different things. Tonight when I was taking Trixxy on a walk I was just feeling very frustrated because it'd been two and a half blocks and I could start to feel my blood sugar dropping. We were just walking and I was getting very frustrated that something so simple and easy was so hard for me now. There have been a lot of times that I will be doing something I used to be able to do just fine and feel my blood sugar drop and I get very frustrated because I have to stop and have sugar. I kept walking for a while because I wasn't going to let this stop me from walking, I would just take it slower. Well, I walked another half block and saw there were some boys out in their yard with their dad and he was fixing up their lawn and had the sidewalk in front of his house closed off. So, naturally I start to go to the other side of the street but that little boy saw Trixxy and was starting to go into the road just to see her. Trixxy started going towards him too so I just went over there with Trixxy to avoid any sticky situation. He was fearless and so sweet. He was so excited that there was a dog and he could pet her. You could just see his face light up. I stopped for a few minutes and let the boys pet her and talked to the dad for a minute. The little boy was so excited and asked me questions and told Trixxy to sit and copied a lot of the things I told her to do. He was so sweet he even picked a flower and said this is for you Trixxy and then gave it to me to keep for her. I thought about dropping the flower quickly so he wouldn't notice but I just held onto it and I kept it until I got home. I thought the whole rest of the walk how different things would have been if I were not a very social person and just kept the dog on the other side of the street and didn't stop to talk or let them play. If I hadn't stopped so they could pet Trixxy and I just was annoyed and hurried to rush the dog away I wouldn't have gotten what I did out of it. This little boy was fearless and went up to a complete stranger and a dog he had no idea how it'd react because he sees the best in the world. He didn't even think about if she was mean and he went to pet her and she went to defend herself. He expects the best out of people and animals alike. I know that sometimes you get hurt by being that way but how great would it be if we were all just a little bit like that.. If we were all a little bit fearless and open to get to know someone before just writing them off as what you've heard or judging them by their looks. If I hadn't stopped to let them play and to chat for a minute I wouldn't have had that moment in my day that made it that much better. Maybe we are all a little bit too busy or too scared to see these little things that happen daily and appreciate them for what they're worth.

It's Been a While..

April 28, 2013
 I guess this is what happens when life catches up to you. I thought about writing everyday but then I just got caught up in other things and lost track of time. I don't hate you by any means, I am just moving on with life. I have to let go of a lot of things that are holding me back and start working towards the things that are going to make me happy. It's become very clear how letting go and starting to just accept whatever good things come your way can change your entire attitude and your day. The first day I won tickets to a private showing for Iron Man 3. I know that it's not anything huge but what a great thing to experience at least once in your life. Then I went to a concert with great company and made even more memories. I am so open to whatever is going to come my way and just making the best of whatever it is and it's making a huge difference in my life.

 I am also trying new things and being more outgoing. I have let the fear of failure hold me back for so long that I didn't do half the things I now wish I would've. What is the worst that could come from trying things? I fail a few times and then try again until I get it? Failure in life is inevitable, all that matters is what you do with your failure and how you let it change you. Failure will change you no matter what whether you let it better your or you let it ruin you that is the decision you have to make. Before I would always let failure ruin me, now I couldn't care less if I fail as long as I try. I can always learn something and how to do something differently the next time. I am glad that I was diagnosed with diabetes because being sad and down on myself isn't an option anymore. It shouldn't have been before but now I can really tell the difference it makes on my health and I want to do everything that I can to be healthy. I am trying new things and taking more chances so that I can get new things out of it. So far a lot of great things have come from this new decision and it's been less than a week. I'm excited for what is ahead of me because it's looking pretty awesome.

Quite The Crafty Soul.

April 24, 2013
 I am going to make it to the gym tonight! I am determined. I really do miss going so much. I am actually headed there right after these blog post. So, that's why it will be short. ;) I have been very crafty to find ways to organize my room and also things I can do for pictures. I am so excited to actually be working towards all of my goals instead of just thinking about them and waiting for something incredible to happen. Now it's happening all around me because I have been looking for it. :) I'm going to get into a better routine and have set times for meals and when I wake up and go to bed. I know it won't always happen that way but it's nice to have a guideline to go by. I think I might take up yoga in the morning just to get me going and hopefully have less stress that day. Anything is worth a shot right?

 I got some papers in the mail from medicaid just looking for verification from my employers. That will be fun. I don't know how I feel about my employers knowing about my current money situation. I guess it's life, it's just not something I would like to be a part of my life.

 I went to the doctor this morning and everything seems to be doing really well. I got some names of opthamologists that I can go see and have my eyes checked. It's not likely that I will have any damage but I would rather be safe than sorry. He also checked my A1C again and it went down by almost a point and a half. Instead of 9.7 I think it was somewhere around 8.3. That makes me so happy! The doctors I see aren't really too worried about me because I am doing so well with it. I've just taken it and made it a part of me. Because, really that's what it is. This is just how it is now and I deal with it. Things are just going to get better and better. :)

These Are The Days I Look Forward To..

April 23, 2013
 I live for these days where everything just seems to be going right and you couldn't imagine it not working out. I got my appointment all set up to see a therapist in the beginning of May. I am actually kind of looking forward to it. I guess since I am more open to it this time and it's my choice entirely, I will get more out of it. I also got my car fixed thanks to my daddy. Well.. Kind of fixed. It's a little torn apart but I now have my heater and AC back which is always a nice thing. Thanks daddy. Then I got approved for my line of credit and also a credit card. I'm excited to have them to build credit and use if I ever have a rainy day. I also have the greatest friends in the world! It was so fun hanging out and just being able to be normal for a bit. Well, as normal as I can get.

 I am also very excited because I signed up to do a 5k. Not that I am all sorts of physically fit for it but I will work until the run and it's just a fun run. It's the color vibe so we are running covered in color. You definitely can't go wrong with that.

 I think that things are definitely going to be looking up for me because I am more open to it. I want it to happen any way it will and I am working for it. I'm not just hoping anymore, I am really working towards something. What that is, I'm not sure at the moment. I do know that it will be incredible when it happens and I can't wait! :)

Too Many Forms, Too Little Time

April 23, 2013
 Today I was definitely lazy, but I did get some forms filled out! I applied for medicaid, which all on it's own is a terrible process. I also got some paperwork back from my insurance. Turns out they don't cover anything for me. Great.. Now I really am hoping that I get accepted for medicaid because I can't keep paying full price for everything. It is so ridiculously expensive.. I might as well be moved out and paying for rent.

 I also didn't make it to the gym.. Yikes! I have to go, I really do. I think I'm just going to set up a designated time and no matter what I have to go. I really wanted to, I was just exhausted when I was getting ready to go... So, I didn't. I just know that it helps me to go and I can't just quit. I have to keep going.

It's Been Long Over Due..

April 21, 2013
 This one is a post that my sister suggested I write quite a few weeks ago. Oops. She wanted me to a blog post all about me. Just to give some background knowledge on my likes and dislikes and my hobbies. I guess I wasn't really to sure what I would say even if I wrote the post. I'm still not but I guess I will just write what I think of. I've always been told that even when I was very little I was incredibly stubborn. I wanted to do things my way or they just weren't going to happen. That still is very true to this day. I also wasn't very nice when I was little. I feel so bad but I was very rude to my sister. I definitely did not want to be beneath her so I would hurt her so I could be the bigger person. I hated it when I did it because I knew I shouldn't be but the stubborn part of me took over and wouldn't let me stop. I never meant to be so rude. I am just glad that I know a little better now.

 I went to preschool and my very first day I decided I was never going back, I never did. When I went to K-12 I started out and I got picked on a lot. I never let anyone know about it but I remember being picked on even that little. I think I was very shy because for some reason I remember having my friend be kind of picked out for me. That's really sad when I think about it. We were best friends until we hit fourth grade. That's when I decided that I wanted a different friend. In the fourth grade I lost my best friend, my grandpa. It was one of the hardest things I've had to go through to date and it took me well into high school to be able to accept it. He came over all of the time and I loved every visit. I always gave him hugs and sat on his lap and played with the pens in his pocket or fiddled with the beads on the necklace he always wore. I spent my whole summer in the hospital with him almost everyday drawing pictures for him and just sitting on the ground to keep him company. I remember so vividly he would always flirt with the nurses. There was one time he asked when his sponge bath was. He was one of my favorite people and it was very hard on me to watch him go.

 When I went to the fifth grade I didn't have any friends and just kept to myself. That's when the teacher asked me who I wanted to be friends with and she made sure that I hung out with whoever I chose. Again, that is the saddest thing I've ever heard. Things were getting better and then, I went to middle school. That's when all the peer pressure and stupid images people have for girls started to get to my friends. I spent my middle school experience trying my hardest to help my friends who were struggling and worried to much about their appearance that it became harmful to themselves. They were too worried about what people thought they couldn't even care less about what they did to themselves. They were just craving the attention. I beat myself up all middle school because I couldn't help them..  I couldn't do anything about it and it drove me nuts. That's when I started to get really depressed and get anxiety. I was around the negativity so much that it became apart of my own life. This is when I started to learn how to be positive and only surround myself with positive.

 I struggled a lot with it and did get some help. That's when I decided that help wasn't for me. I was so used to being the one who helped that I knew how messed up I would sound. I didn't want people to hear me like that. I did everything I could to fix the problem on my own and not need any assistance. I didn't do very well in high school. I struggled a lot around the people because I couldn't believe some of the things they were doing. I didn't like the school work because it was either too easy or too hard and I wasn't one to ask for help.

 The beginning of junior year I got an ovarian cyst which made it very painful to walk up and down the stairs or walk in general. I didn't end up going to a few weeks of school because I just couldn't handle walking around. When I went back I was so behind that every time I tried to catch up I would get overwhelmed and have an anxiety attack. I eventually just stopped going to school. I would avoid it as best I could and my grades slipped heavily. That's when I went to an alternative high school which ended up being so much better for me. I got all the help I needed because there were so little students they were truly focused on your grades and how you were doing. That was one of the best things I could have done.  I ended up graduating and having some pretty awesome grades. Now here I am.

 I have always loved photography and always felt that I had a real talent for it. I hope that one day I can be a professional photographer and travel the world. Writing is another one of my passions. I have always felt that I have a knack for it. Writing books is another one of my hopes for my future. I want to go into psychology as my field of study. I have always helped people when they were struggling and only want to continue that. I want to go into a field where I help troubled youth, because I have been there and I know how it feels. If that isn't enough I would also like to go into cosmetology and  do that on the side. I also hope that I will get the opportunity to be involved in a lot of humanitarian programs. I would love to go to Africa and volunteer with people and also with the animals there. I don't know why but there is something about that culture that just fascinates me. One day I hope I will get to do all of these things. I guess it's just a matter of trying. :)

Forms... :(

April 21, 2013
 I'm not feeling as ambitious today as I am most days. I want to be very badly, but my body is just telling me today is a resting day. I did end up finishing laundry and filling out forms that will hopefully help my medicine and supplies to be lower. I got a card that will hopefully take $35 a month off of my test strips. That's so helpful because they really are expensive. I am not sure how much my insurance covers for it. I won't know until I get forms back but I know right now with what insurance does cover I could pay rent for as much as it costs for my insulin, needles, alcohol wipes, and test strips. I am happy I actually sat down and started to apply for some of these things. I am glad that I have finally stopped allowing my pride to get in the way of the help that I need. I am saving money and I will be able to go and get some professional help on coping with this. My pride never gave me that. I have always felt that I was more than capable to do everything on my own and not ask for help. Which I am.. I am not asking them to do it for me, I'm only getting assistance. Asking for help is saving me so much stress and helping me in more ways than one. I am learning as I am getting help.

 Is it sad that sometimes when I get hurt and I start to bleed I always think, "Well, now I can check my blood sugar without pricking myself." I know it isn't quite the same thing, but I wish it was. I still really do hate needles. I was even giving myself insulin earlier and before I gave myself the shot I said out loud, "I really hate needles." Then I gave myself a shot. I thought about it but I have stopped letting myself freak out and wait five minutes before I can give myself a shot. I've also noticed that when I go to use my lancet I stop breathing and get light headed so I have to breathe before I can push the button. It's funny the things you notice when you have to be watching for it. I never realized how bad my anxiety is about needles until I had to start using them.

 Speaking insulin... I think my body is starting to function too well. I get low blood sugar a lot easier now even eating the same and using insulin. I am using less of it because I don't have to correct as much but I'm thinking that I might get some more carbohydrates in my diet after I talk to the doctor. :) Also, I love the smell of insulin. I don't even know why, I just do. It has a very distinct smell. Maybe my body loves it for me because it needs it so the smell is appealing to me.

 My next goal is to drink more water and have my meals at a set time. I'm getting stronger and healthier day by day, I can't quit now.