It's Been A Long Time..

May 24, 2013
 I don't really know what to say anymore. I could go into my daily struggles that I'm facing but then it would take away from the purpose of starting this blog. I started this because I was diagnosed with Type 1 diabetes. Well, now it's just a part of my life. Yes, sometimes it's infuriating to have this and to have to change what I do and what I eat. It's frustrating having to think well how is my blood sugar before I go out for this run? I hate wondering how many carbohydrates are in what I want to eat. It's still done a lot of great things for me and it's helped me to become healthier. I am still terrified of what the future holds for me with this diagnosis and what could go wrong. I am really scared, but I am also not living in the future so I have to worry about today and learn to not spend my life worrying what might happen.

 Am I mad that I have diabetes? Yes, I am mad. I'm mad because that is one more thing I have to worry about for the rest of my life. I know it's ridiculous to be mad about such a simple thing when I could have had something much worse.  I know it's silly to be so caught up on it because it is very natural now and just another thing I do like brushing my teeth. I know a lot of people have diabetes and they live very normal lives. I just can't figure out why I am having such a hard time with it. It's not even the disease itself. It's not insulin shots or checking my blood sugar. It's not eating right or exercising. It's simply the fact that I have more potential to have physical complications later on in my life than everyone else. It's just something that comes with this and that's fine. I understand that and I am glad that I have to be healthy and lessen my risk of having physical complications.. What if I want to have a normal teenage girl night with an incredible amount of junk food and movies.. I portion out all my food and calculate all my carbohydrates to see if it's something I can eat with a reasonable amount of insulin? No. I don't want to do that. I don't want to worry before I go out and do summer activities with my friends if it's going to harm my glucose levels. I just want to have a normal life without any serious problems to worry about. I know it's silly and that tomorrow I will go back to being just fine with it and it'll be like any other day.

 Just today.. I want to be a normal teenage girl and not have to worry about something like this. I don't want to have worries or cares or have 3 or 4 different jobs to cover costs of my hospital bills and medication. I don't want my first real bills and responsibilities in my adult life to be something I never asked for or wanted. I want my first bills to be from college tuition or moving out. Something I want to do for me. Not something I have to do for me. I just want to be normal.

Here is Why..

May 16, 2013
 I know that I stopped writing as frequently and my posts haven't been geared towards my diabetes, here is why. I have taken it into my daily life and now that is just how it is. I don't notice it anymore to be quite honest with you. I know when my blood sugar is low or high and I notice it when I have to really watch it when doing something very simple. That's just how it is for me now. I have to be healthy and I have to watch my blood sugars. I have come to terms with it and stopped trying to pretend that I don't have diabetes, because I do.

 The one thing I have noticed is that whenever I go into a professional setting whether it be a doctors office, a dentists office, or anything similar to those I get a lot of questions on my diabetes. It really does effect everything I do. I went to the dentist today and when I told them I was diagnosed with diabetes they spent extra time checking my gums to make sure I didn't have gingivitis. As I told you before when I get a sore or an infection I take a longer time to heal and they told me that if I were to get gingivitis it would be very hard to get it back to healthy. As if I didn't have enough to worry about. ;) Now I have to eat right, exercise, and make sure I take extra good care of my teeth. Silly.

 Another update on my diabetes is I am loving this honeymoon phase, if that's what is happening. I hardly need any insulin at all and my blood sugar bounces right back after meals. It really is getting so much better and easier to manage. That makes me so happy because that is less insulin and less times I need to go to the pharmacy :)

Mother's Day.

May 12, 2013
 Did you know I have the best mother in the world? She puts up with a lot from me and I will always appreciate that. She has always been there to listen and offer advice and most the time been on the receiving end of my craziness. She works really hard to try and make a good life and has always shown me what it means to work and do it it well. My mom worked a 12 hour day on Mother's day so I wanted to be sure she came home to something special.

Oh So This Is Why You Get Healthy!

May 13, 2013
 We are really talking about May 11, 2013. Today is the day I ran a 5k. Oh my goodness it was so much fun! Except for the fact that I'm terribly out of shape and walked most the way I actually ran it! I did have low blood sugar after but I got through it and that's all that matters to me. Plus, it was nothing a little candy bar couldn't fix! It was the Color Vibe 5k so it was even more fun than regular 5k's. I ran it with my sister and her daughter and we were so colorful after! It took me about 40 minutes to run it. I'm hoping by August when I do the next one I will be able to run it a little bit faster.

Before...

After!

Oh Writer's Block..

May 13, 2013
This one is really about my birthday May 10 but I haven't written in so long! It was really just a normal day except I got showered with gifts and singing. :) I love my birthday because it's the one day I can say, "But, It's my birthday!!" I used it a lot. It was really fun for me to see how much everyone cares and I got some pretty sweet presents. All of my family showed me a lot of love on my birthday and I couldn't be more grateful to them. It was one of my best birthdays.

Amirah chose the card and the present all by herself.

Connor picked this out for me

From Dad and Teri 

From Jake. A giant giraffe and a hammock! 

From Jeff, Erik, and Ethan. Just to help me love mail again :)

Jessica and her boys found a way to sing to me through the mail. 

Kayden picked out the card and roses all on his own. Made sure I saw what he wrote :)

The kids all got me a balloon and we had a fun day taking photo booth pictures.

Can't wait to use these presents from my Momma. 

Terena made that super cute card! Ahh

Don't Burst My Bubble

May 6, 2013
 This one you might have to make way for my big head. I think it's great that I am having days like this. I am starting to finally just accept myself and everything that entails. I am a great person with a lot to offer. I have a lot of potential and I am going to make something of myself some day. I have a lot going for me and no one can stop me. I have a big heart and a lot of talents. I think people can see that. Especially when I start to see it in myself. I am going to do something big and meaningful with my life. I just haven't figured out what that is.

 I had an interview type meeting today and it helped me to realize a lot of this. I sat with the guy maybe 10 min at the maximum and he told me he was impressed. That I had a lot of qualities that were very impressive to him. It's true though. The greatest thing I learned as a kid was the value of a dollar and what it means to work and do it well. A lot of people just don't have that anymore. I am also glad I learned to stick to my commitments. He pointed out to me that since my current job puts me on call a lot and just expects me to sit and wait to see if I'm needed to plan that day it shows a lot about who I am. I'm a great person. :) He did ask me what my greatest weakness and my greatest strengths are and on my way home I thought of what those are. They actually happen to be the same thing. I care about people. I actually care more about other people's feelings and always try to put myself in their shoes instead of worrying about myself. It's one of my greatest strengths in a sense that it pushes me to do better for myself so I can hold up others. It's my weakness because I care too much that it's almost destroyed me before. I've had to learn how to stay detached and let go if I couldn't help them.

 I don't always think so highly of myself. However, when I do I feel pretty dang invincible. That's a pretty great feeling. What's so wrong with having some confidence in the person that you are as long as you don't get big headed about it. I am a great person and I have a lot of potential to meet. I'm really glad that I can start showing that to the world. Bigger and better things are headed my way!

I'm Scared.

May 4, 2013
 I know the things that could happen if I don't take care of my diabetes.. Well, what if I do and they still happen? I'm terrified that I am going to lose my sight, function in my kidneys, and feeling in my feet. I'm scared beyond belief that having diabetes and having to manage it everyday won't be a trial enough and I'll get worse and more sick. I just think of the future and it scares me. I don't know what I would do or how I would handle it. I am scared of how my future will be. I am scared if my kids will have it and if I will have to help teach them. I'm scared of having to deal with more of these trials because I don't know how much more I can take.

 It's one thing after the other and I'm running out of energy. I am tired of having to pick myself up after people have knocked me down. My energy level is running low. I don't want to think about it anymore and I don't want to have to worry about it. I know that it is a possibility and I do have to be careful and watch for it. I just don't want to. I want a break from all of this madness. I am truly exhausted.

1600!!

May 3, 2013
 I have made it to 1600 views! Ahh, that makes me feel so great! It's not even that I have frequent viewers it's that someone at least cared to look at least once. That's such a great feeling. Today hasn't been the best and I have been trying to make the best of it and just look for the positive. Some days it's just extremely hard to look for the positive in such a ridiculously crappy situation. There are good things that will come from this it's just a matter of being patient and open enough to see them. Some days I honestly just feel like I'm drowning under all of the trials I'm going through. Luckily, I always have something everyday that I can be grateful for.

 Today I am grateful for my ability to find the positive in things. I've been dealt a crappy hand of cards and told to make the best of them. We all have a crappy hand every once in awhile so you know what I'm dealing with. It's one thing after the other right now and I am just trying to keep my head above water. I'm grateful my body is a lot healthier than it was, disease and all. I am grateful that I am actually working towards all of my goals instead of sitting back and waiting for them to happen. I'm grateful that things have been put into perspective for me and I can finally move on. I'm grateful that good things will always come from bad situations. I'm grateful I am becoming comfortable in my own skin. Finally!

Made it to the top of this mountain again! :)

Feeling Free.

May 2, 2013
 I am starting to finally let go of the people in my life who don't do anything positive for me. It's about time that I start thinking about myself and do what I need to for me. I've always been under the impression that if I didn't help others that I would be a bad person. Even when I really couldn't help others I would force myself to do it because I just didn't want to be a bad person. It does not make you a bad person to let go of everyone else's problems and focus on your own. You are not a superhero and you can't solve everything. Especially when you are having problems of your own it is terribly hard to be able to fix other people's problems. I have learned that I start to put my problems on to other people like they are the ones who have been doing it wrong when it's been me all along. We start to project what we see in ourselves onto other people. There is no logical way you can help someone by telling them things that aren't even wrong with them.

 Letting go isn't always easy. Right now, it's the easiest thing I've had to do. I need to focus on me and what my next steps are in life. Not try to help others when I can't even help myself. I can't be a stepping stool because I feel too weak to hold us both up. I can't be a punching bag because I would be out the first punch. I am not strong enough right now to be that person. I don't want to be that person... I want to feel free and only focus on bettering myself. that's what I need and that's what I intend to have. :)

I Just Can't Help It..

April 30, 2013

 I just can't help finding the simplest of things beautiful. Even though there are a lot of things that haven't gone my way and a lot of it I can't change I just can't help but find something worth waking up everyday for. Today there have been a lot of things stressing me out and bothering me which I actually just cannot change. There is nothing I can do about the problems I'm facing and I know that and still let them get to me. I've found that there are certain things I can do on a daily basis that helps me to just not let these problems get the best of me. I work towards the things I can change and the things I can't I just let them go and hope that they'll work themselves out the way they should. I'm learning to let go of a lot of things because stress and anxiety is the last thing I need. I already get that way when my blood sugar is off so why would I voluntarily add more to that? I wouldn't. 

I just can't get over this beauty.

 My favorite thing to do now is take Trixxy for walks because it's warm, it's exercise, and it's so incredibly gorgeous. I always seem to get something new from taking Trixxy for a walk because I always see something that was just as breathtaking as the day before. I am glad that I'm finding a new appreciation for life because it really is such a difference from the way I was living before. Absolutely everything happens for a reason. My reason to get diabetes is to learn to appreciate life more and be a healthier me. Getting diabetes has pushed me to do all of the things I've wanted to, I've just never had the motivation on my own. This is my kick in the butt to get in gear and work towards my goals. I'm finally doing things I'm proud of and excited to be doing. I might not have my dream career or a lot of achievements under my belt but I have one thing that most people don't. I'm happy with myself, who I am, what I look like, and everything in between. I am one step closer to being truly happy, and that's more than most people can say. :)