Going Home Today :)

March 15, 2013
 I am just starting to be comfortable enough to sleep and catch up on some missed sleep the night before and  I get woken up at 4:30 to have more blood drawn. Poor guy he saw the disappointment in my face when I saw his box. I knew that meant I had to have my blood drawn and he knew that meant I was not happy to see him. Thank heavens everyone else in the hospital felt the same way to see him and he didn't take it too personally. I was glad that he was nice enough to know how much I didn't like needles and did his best to distract me. Alright, he's finished back to bed.

 Then the nurses kept peeking their head in to see if I was up and how I was doing. It didn't bother me until 8:00 rolls around and one nurse peeks her head in and wakes me up and tells me about breakfast. Then 5 minutes later the other nurse peeks her head in and says the same thing and says it kind of rude like, "Why are you still sleeping? It's breakfast time." She didn't say that of course but her tone led me to believe that. I tried to go back to sleep but now I was up. I was ready to go home, I was tired of people constantly checking in on me. Oh well, I have to stay until they tell me I can leave. So I go to call the nurse who just came in to check on me and no one answered so I waited until she came back in. Turns out my little buzzer on my bed didn't work the whole time so I was pretty happy about that. :/ When she came back in to check my blood sugar so I could eat I was a little worried because it went back up quite a bit and I really wanted to go home, now I had to wait and see what the doctor had to say. 

 I didn't have to wait alone though! Sheila came in to visit with me after her baby belly appointment. It was really good to see her and be able to visit and talk about everything. Plus, I got to see her cute baby bump! How can you go wrong with that? Thanks Sheila for coming to visit me. :)

 Dr. Brown finally made his way into my room and I got to hear what I'd been waiting to hear, I got to go home after I learned how to dose my own insulin! That was about 11:00 it was about 2:15 when the nurse came in to teach me how I should be dosing my insulin and how to take care of myself for the next week until I could see my regular doctor, Dr. Maready. Once she told me I could go home and finally get this IV out of my arm it took about two seconds before I was calling my mom to get a ride home. No answer. I called again. No answer. I was getting antsy. It was only about 20 minutes or so before she got her phone from her car and was on her way to get me from the hospital. I was so excited to go home. When she got there I had all my stuff ready to go and we just walked out and the nurse said they usually wheel patients out and I said no more wheelchairs for me! I didn't want to feel helpless. I got to go home. :)

 First order of business now that I was home was to see my cute little puppy because I haven't seen her in 2 days. Okay, now that I've seen her it's time to shower and then go get my prescription filled. I can't even tell you how great it felt to shower and get the hospital feeling off of me! Then I was off to fill my prescription and get back into the real world. I get there and I had to wait for a little bit for my prescription and when he rang it all up and it had my insurance on it and everything my heart just sank. I wanted to just start crying. It was so much money. I sat there stunned for a moment and asked if my insurance had been applied and he said yes and so I swiped my card and left even more stressed thinking I need another job to get more hours to pay for all of this. It's apparently only a one month supply and it's as much as 2 of my paychecks. Now granted I'm not getting a lot of hours and it'd probably be easier when I have another job, however, I still just wanted to cry. Too much stress. 

 I went to see my boss and see if I had to work the next day and also see my friend. I started to realize how sick I have been because I got light headed very easily walking around and when I went to check my blood pressure I couldn't do it for at least 15 minutes. I just sat there with it next to my finger and I couldn't push the button. It was my first time doing it outside of the hospital when I had no one waiting for me to do it before they could leave. I finally got the courage and my glucometer had shut off so it didn't read it and I had to do it again. I sat there for even longer and I got very stressed out and I just was realizing how hard this was going to be having to do all this on my own. I decided I'd just go get some food and go home and do it there. Well, when I was going to get subway (I could eat that) I was in the drive-thru and I was realizing how much I couldn't have and all of the things I wasn't sure if I could or not. It was really hard thinking how much I have to plan ahead for my meals in order to have the right amount of carbohydrates.

 I cried the whole way home just thinking to myself, "How am I going to do this? Why did god give me this test when he knew my fear of needles?" I realize that there are much worse things I could have and I am grateful that I don't, however this has been a struggle for me. I know that some people have it way worse but that just means they are strong enough to handle more than I can. This is pushing it. I'm starting to wonder if I can do this or if I can just ignore all of it and pretend like it never happened. I want to go back in time and make it so this doesn't happen. I wanted Jake to come home from work so he could give me encouragement to check my blood sugar and give myself an insulin shot. I wasn't sure how else I could do it or if I could do it at all. He couldn't, which I think is a good thing because I had to do this on my own anyways. I can't rely on someone else to be there for me and baby me. I have to toughen up I have to just check my blood sugar. I sat there for a long time crying thinking how am I going to do this. It really doesn't even hurt that bad to check it or give myself a shot I just psyched myself out so badly about the idea of something jabbing into me and made it way worse for myself. I didn't mean to do it I just was really scared to do it because I am afraid each time I do it, it will hurt more than the last time. I just kept praying for strength to be able to get through this because I didn't know how I was going to do it. 

 I finally was able to check my blood sugar and it wasn't as bad as I thought it was going to be. I knew it wouldn't be but I still was just terrified. Then it came time to give myself my insulin and I sat there just as long with the needle to my skin just not able to push it in. I was just so scared of doing that and I don't know why because I had done it multiple times before I left the hospital. I was just crying and panicking because I am going to have to do this everyday at least 3 times a day and I can't even do it this once. How am I going to deal with diabetes if I can't even check my own blood sugar?? I can't even give myself insulin how am I going to do this the rest of my life? I also eventually was able to give myself the shot. I think my hunger drove me to it. That's a terrible trick telling new diabetics they can't have food until they check their blood sugar and give themselves a shot. A terrible trick that I appreciate otherwise I don't know how long it would've taken me. 

 After I took care of all of it I felt pretty proud of myself and I knew I could do it from here on out but it does take me a while to get rid of my hesitation. Hopefully with work tomorrow it'll be much easier to do this. 

 I got to go "diabetic grocery shopping" for the first time and it took about 2 hours to go through every aisle. It was so good though, I found a lot of options of things I can eat within my carbohydrate limit. I also found some ice cream I could eat! I am so dang excited about that. :) It really helps me to feel not so limited and that I can live a normal life just like anyone else. Well, close. Tomorrow is a new day and I've got all of this under me to help me through the day.