We All Seem To Miss What's Important..

April 29, 2013
 This week I've been doing a lot of thinking and trying to move on from some things.. It has been a really hard week and very confusing. I've also been incredibly frustrated with my diabetes because I have to come up with extra money for it. I have to work harder and look for work that I can get enough hours just to be able to pay for my insulin. I am struggling to keep my head above water and I am receiving a lot of help from my loved ones and a lot of great organizations. Sometimes the support I don't feel that I deserve because I haven't gotten my emotions 100% in check. One minute I can be just fine and totally happy and the next I am anxious or fidgety and sometimes I just sit there and stare at the wall and think. A lot of it has to do with where my blood sugar is at because it really does have that big of an impact on me. I feel bad for the people around me because I am still learning to control it. It's like I have PMS 24/7 and those poor people that catch me at a time where I just don't feel like talking at all to anyone under any circumstances. I have been thinking a lot about how I can just let it all go and become a happier me. I have looked for positive in everything and exercised trying to be as healthy as possible. After all a healthy girl is a happy girl. But today it just hit me..

 I did yoga this morning and it was so nice to just relax and physically let go of everything that doesn't do anything positive for me. It really was rejuvenating to just mentally let go of all of my stresses. It showed in the rest of my day. I would just randomly smile and be excited about the simplest of things. I've had a completely different day all because I have changed my thought process. Being happy is one of my main goals in life. Wherever I am, whatever I am doing all that I wish to be is happy. I'm finally learning how to be happy without depending on someone else to put that smile on my face. I am allowing life to change me in anyway it's supposed to because really, what's the worst that could happen? I might actually enjoy waking up and taking everyday head on? How bad is that?

 I've been dying to move away and get a fresh start but I've realized that every place you go will be the same. The climate, land and people might change but if you really start to look for similarities in places you will always find some. There will always be the same type of people and same type of problems wherever you go. The only difference when you move is you have got it in your head that you don't want that life anymore and you do absolutely everything different to try to achieve that goal. What you are changing is your attitude and what you are willing to accept for yourself. I can make a new life for myself right where I am. Everyday we are given another opportunity to change our lives. Just by changing one thing you did the previous day that you might not have been the most pleased with you are automatically making your day a little bit brighter and changing your future. One thing a day to better yourself.. How hard could that really be? Maybe even work on one thing for a week and the next week find something new to work on. That's all it takes is changing one thing to change your entire week. I'm just starting to change my attitude and only better myself from here on out because it really does make that big of a difference to your well being. I'm letting go of the negativity and the things that aren't good for me or the things that I simply just cannot change. I've been sad for so long and so dependent on others for my happiness that I forgot how to just be happy with out anyone making it that way.

Just a simple weed, but the sweetest gesture.

 Being dependent on someone for my happiness and allowing others to bring happiness into my life are two very different things. Tonight when I was taking Trixxy on a walk I was just feeling very frustrated because it'd been two and a half blocks and I could start to feel my blood sugar dropping. We were just walking and I was getting very frustrated that something so simple and easy was so hard for me now. There have been a lot of times that I will be doing something I used to be able to do just fine and feel my blood sugar drop and I get very frustrated because I have to stop and have sugar. I kept walking for a while because I wasn't going to let this stop me from walking, I would just take it slower. Well, I walked another half block and saw there were some boys out in their yard with their dad and he was fixing up their lawn and had the sidewalk in front of his house closed off. So, naturally I start to go to the other side of the street but that little boy saw Trixxy and was starting to go into the road just to see her. Trixxy started going towards him too so I just went over there with Trixxy to avoid any sticky situation. He was fearless and so sweet. He was so excited that there was a dog and he could pet her. You could just see his face light up. I stopped for a few minutes and let the boys pet her and talked to the dad for a minute. The little boy was so excited and asked me questions and told Trixxy to sit and copied a lot of the things I told her to do. He was so sweet he even picked a flower and said this is for you Trixxy and then gave it to me to keep for her. I thought about dropping the flower quickly so he wouldn't notice but I just held onto it and I kept it until I got home. I thought the whole rest of the walk how different things would have been if I were not a very social person and just kept the dog on the other side of the street and didn't stop to talk or let them play. If I hadn't stopped so they could pet Trixxy and I just was annoyed and hurried to rush the dog away I wouldn't have gotten what I did out of it. This little boy was fearless and went up to a complete stranger and a dog he had no idea how it'd react because he sees the best in the world. He didn't even think about if she was mean and he went to pet her and she went to defend herself. He expects the best out of people and animals alike. I know that sometimes you get hurt by being that way but how great would it be if we were all just a little bit like that.. If we were all a little bit fearless and open to get to know someone before just writing them off as what you've heard or judging them by their looks. If I hadn't stopped to let them play and to chat for a minute I wouldn't have had that moment in my day that made it that much better. Maybe we are all a little bit too busy or too scared to see these little things that happen daily and appreciate them for what they're worth.

It's Been a While..

April 28, 2013
 I guess this is what happens when life catches up to you. I thought about writing everyday but then I just got caught up in other things and lost track of time. I don't hate you by any means, I am just moving on with life. I have to let go of a lot of things that are holding me back and start working towards the things that are going to make me happy. It's become very clear how letting go and starting to just accept whatever good things come your way can change your entire attitude and your day. The first day I won tickets to a private showing for Iron Man 3. I know that it's not anything huge but what a great thing to experience at least once in your life. Then I went to a concert with great company and made even more memories. I am so open to whatever is going to come my way and just making the best of whatever it is and it's making a huge difference in my life.

 I am also trying new things and being more outgoing. I have let the fear of failure hold me back for so long that I didn't do half the things I now wish I would've. What is the worst that could come from trying things? I fail a few times and then try again until I get it? Failure in life is inevitable, all that matters is what you do with your failure and how you let it change you. Failure will change you no matter what whether you let it better your or you let it ruin you that is the decision you have to make. Before I would always let failure ruin me, now I couldn't care less if I fail as long as I try. I can always learn something and how to do something differently the next time. I am glad that I was diagnosed with diabetes because being sad and down on myself isn't an option anymore. It shouldn't have been before but now I can really tell the difference it makes on my health and I want to do everything that I can to be healthy. I am trying new things and taking more chances so that I can get new things out of it. So far a lot of great things have come from this new decision and it's been less than a week. I'm excited for what is ahead of me because it's looking pretty awesome.

Quite The Crafty Soul.

April 24, 2013
 I am going to make it to the gym tonight! I am determined. I really do miss going so much. I am actually headed there right after these blog post. So, that's why it will be short. ;) I have been very crafty to find ways to organize my room and also things I can do for pictures. I am so excited to actually be working towards all of my goals instead of just thinking about them and waiting for something incredible to happen. Now it's happening all around me because I have been looking for it. :) I'm going to get into a better routine and have set times for meals and when I wake up and go to bed. I know it won't always happen that way but it's nice to have a guideline to go by. I think I might take up yoga in the morning just to get me going and hopefully have less stress that day. Anything is worth a shot right?

 I got some papers in the mail from medicaid just looking for verification from my employers. That will be fun. I don't know how I feel about my employers knowing about my current money situation. I guess it's life, it's just not something I would like to be a part of my life.

 I went to the doctor this morning and everything seems to be doing really well. I got some names of opthamologists that I can go see and have my eyes checked. It's not likely that I will have any damage but I would rather be safe than sorry. He also checked my A1C again and it went down by almost a point and a half. Instead of 9.7 I think it was somewhere around 8.3. That makes me so happy! The doctors I see aren't really too worried about me because I am doing so well with it. I've just taken it and made it a part of me. Because, really that's what it is. This is just how it is now and I deal with it. Things are just going to get better and better. :)

These Are The Days I Look Forward To..

April 23, 2013
 I live for these days where everything just seems to be going right and you couldn't imagine it not working out. I got my appointment all set up to see a therapist in the beginning of May. I am actually kind of looking forward to it. I guess since I am more open to it this time and it's my choice entirely, I will get more out of it. I also got my car fixed thanks to my daddy. Well.. Kind of fixed. It's a little torn apart but I now have my heater and AC back which is always a nice thing. Thanks daddy. Then I got approved for my line of credit and also a credit card. I'm excited to have them to build credit and use if I ever have a rainy day. I also have the greatest friends in the world! It was so fun hanging out and just being able to be normal for a bit. Well, as normal as I can get.

 I am also very excited because I signed up to do a 5k. Not that I am all sorts of physically fit for it but I will work until the run and it's just a fun run. It's the color vibe so we are running covered in color. You definitely can't go wrong with that.

 I think that things are definitely going to be looking up for me because I am more open to it. I want it to happen any way it will and I am working for it. I'm not just hoping anymore, I am really working towards something. What that is, I'm not sure at the moment. I do know that it will be incredible when it happens and I can't wait! :)

Too Many Forms, Too Little Time

April 23, 2013
 Today I was definitely lazy, but I did get some forms filled out! I applied for medicaid, which all on it's own is a terrible process. I also got some paperwork back from my insurance. Turns out they don't cover anything for me. Great.. Now I really am hoping that I get accepted for medicaid because I can't keep paying full price for everything. It is so ridiculously expensive.. I might as well be moved out and paying for rent.

 I also didn't make it to the gym.. Yikes! I have to go, I really do. I think I'm just going to set up a designated time and no matter what I have to go. I really wanted to, I was just exhausted when I was getting ready to go... So, I didn't. I just know that it helps me to go and I can't just quit. I have to keep going.

It's Been Long Over Due..

April 21, 2013
 This one is a post that my sister suggested I write quite a few weeks ago. Oops. She wanted me to a blog post all about me. Just to give some background knowledge on my likes and dislikes and my hobbies. I guess I wasn't really to sure what I would say even if I wrote the post. I'm still not but I guess I will just write what I think of. I've always been told that even when I was very little I was incredibly stubborn. I wanted to do things my way or they just weren't going to happen. That still is very true to this day. I also wasn't very nice when I was little. I feel so bad but I was very rude to my sister. I definitely did not want to be beneath her so I would hurt her so I could be the bigger person. I hated it when I did it because I knew I shouldn't be but the stubborn part of me took over and wouldn't let me stop. I never meant to be so rude. I am just glad that I know a little better now.

 I went to preschool and my very first day I decided I was never going back, I never did. When I went to K-12 I started out and I got picked on a lot. I never let anyone know about it but I remember being picked on even that little. I think I was very shy because for some reason I remember having my friend be kind of picked out for me. That's really sad when I think about it. We were best friends until we hit fourth grade. That's when I decided that I wanted a different friend. In the fourth grade I lost my best friend, my grandpa. It was one of the hardest things I've had to go through to date and it took me well into high school to be able to accept it. He came over all of the time and I loved every visit. I always gave him hugs and sat on his lap and played with the pens in his pocket or fiddled with the beads on the necklace he always wore. I spent my whole summer in the hospital with him almost everyday drawing pictures for him and just sitting on the ground to keep him company. I remember so vividly he would always flirt with the nurses. There was one time he asked when his sponge bath was. He was one of my favorite people and it was very hard on me to watch him go.

 When I went to the fifth grade I didn't have any friends and just kept to myself. That's when the teacher asked me who I wanted to be friends with and she made sure that I hung out with whoever I chose. Again, that is the saddest thing I've ever heard. Things were getting better and then, I went to middle school. That's when all the peer pressure and stupid images people have for girls started to get to my friends. I spent my middle school experience trying my hardest to help my friends who were struggling and worried to much about their appearance that it became harmful to themselves. They were too worried about what people thought they couldn't even care less about what they did to themselves. They were just craving the attention. I beat myself up all middle school because I couldn't help them..  I couldn't do anything about it and it drove me nuts. That's when I started to get really depressed and get anxiety. I was around the negativity so much that it became apart of my own life. This is when I started to learn how to be positive and only surround myself with positive.

 I struggled a lot with it and did get some help. That's when I decided that help wasn't for me. I was so used to being the one who helped that I knew how messed up I would sound. I didn't want people to hear me like that. I did everything I could to fix the problem on my own and not need any assistance. I didn't do very well in high school. I struggled a lot around the people because I couldn't believe some of the things they were doing. I didn't like the school work because it was either too easy or too hard and I wasn't one to ask for help.

 The beginning of junior year I got an ovarian cyst which made it very painful to walk up and down the stairs or walk in general. I didn't end up going to a few weeks of school because I just couldn't handle walking around. When I went back I was so behind that every time I tried to catch up I would get overwhelmed and have an anxiety attack. I eventually just stopped going to school. I would avoid it as best I could and my grades slipped heavily. That's when I went to an alternative high school which ended up being so much better for me. I got all the help I needed because there were so little students they were truly focused on your grades and how you were doing. That was one of the best things I could have done.  I ended up graduating and having some pretty awesome grades. Now here I am.

 I have always loved photography and always felt that I had a real talent for it. I hope that one day I can be a professional photographer and travel the world. Writing is another one of my passions. I have always felt that I have a knack for it. Writing books is another one of my hopes for my future. I want to go into psychology as my field of study. I have always helped people when they were struggling and only want to continue that. I want to go into a field where I help troubled youth, because I have been there and I know how it feels. If that isn't enough I would also like to go into cosmetology and  do that on the side. I also hope that I will get the opportunity to be involved in a lot of humanitarian programs. I would love to go to Africa and volunteer with people and also with the animals there. I don't know why but there is something about that culture that just fascinates me. One day I hope I will get to do all of these things. I guess it's just a matter of trying. :)

Forms... :(

April 21, 2013
 I'm not feeling as ambitious today as I am most days. I want to be very badly, but my body is just telling me today is a resting day. I did end up finishing laundry and filling out forms that will hopefully help my medicine and supplies to be lower. I got a card that will hopefully take $35 a month off of my test strips. That's so helpful because they really are expensive. I am not sure how much my insurance covers for it. I won't know until I get forms back but I know right now with what insurance does cover I could pay rent for as much as it costs for my insulin, needles, alcohol wipes, and test strips. I am happy I actually sat down and started to apply for some of these things. I am glad that I have finally stopped allowing my pride to get in the way of the help that I need. I am saving money and I will be able to go and get some professional help on coping with this. My pride never gave me that. I have always felt that I was more than capable to do everything on my own and not ask for help. Which I am.. I am not asking them to do it for me, I'm only getting assistance. Asking for help is saving me so much stress and helping me in more ways than one. I am learning as I am getting help.

 Is it sad that sometimes when I get hurt and I start to bleed I always think, "Well, now I can check my blood sugar without pricking myself." I know it isn't quite the same thing, but I wish it was. I still really do hate needles. I was even giving myself insulin earlier and before I gave myself the shot I said out loud, "I really hate needles." Then I gave myself a shot. I thought about it but I have stopped letting myself freak out and wait five minutes before I can give myself a shot. I've also noticed that when I go to use my lancet I stop breathing and get light headed so I have to breathe before I can push the button. It's funny the things you notice when you have to be watching for it. I never realized how bad my anxiety is about needles until I had to start using them.

 Speaking insulin... I think my body is starting to function too well. I get low blood sugar a lot easier now even eating the same and using insulin. I am using less of it because I don't have to correct as much but I'm thinking that I might get some more carbohydrates in my diet after I talk to the doctor. :) Also, I love the smell of insulin. I don't even know why, I just do. It has a very distinct smell. Maybe my body loves it for me because it needs it so the smell is appealing to me.

 My next goal is to drink more water and have my meals at a set time. I'm getting stronger and healthier day by day, I can't quit now.

Guess What I Can Do!

April 20, 2013
 Well, I know that I can hike to the top of a mountain with diabetes. It wasn't the easiest hike by any means, but I am also very out of shape. What caused me to be panting and tired by the time I got to the trail head I'll never know. I am going to go with the diabetes making it that way and I just powered right on through. I felt incredibly accomplished when I made it into the caves. It was nice because it was so peaceful in there and I had just finished something I wasn't quite sure I could do. It was a great hike with great company and after I felt invincible. :) I am so excited for this summer to be as active as possible and just show myself how much I can accomplish. I can do anything I set my mind to and just hope my body permits it. I am feeling unstoppable.

An overview of the hike with my best friend! We got rained on, hailed on, froze, saw the sun, and got very muddy in the process. Our destination was gorgeous though. 

On top of the Wind Caves

Looking out from the Wind Caves

I made it! Excuse the after hike look. Bleehh

The view outside of the Wind Caves. Stunning.

Inside of the Wind Caves

I love being in the mountains.

Everything up there was just gorgeous.

My very loyal mountain dog. 

This Will Get Easier.

April 18/19, 2013
 I've been doing a lot of cleaning recently. I'm not even sure why. I just feel so much better when I look around and things are clean. Changes are important and I just have to learn to start making some for myself. It's not a bad thing to change as long as it's for the better.

 At work I photographed a guy who was from East Africa and he had to have his friend translate everything he was saying. It was the coolest language I have ever heard. I have always wanted to go to Africa but that just settled the deal. They were really funny guys to work with.

 My body is doing so well with all of these new changes. I am staying in a great range for my levels and I'm hardly ever higher than I should be now. Things are starting to look up more and more I just have to keep  looking for all of the little things. Those are the things that are going to get me through the day and end up happy by the end of it.

Well, That's Odd..

April 17, 2013
 Today when  I woke up I checked my blood sugar like normal, which was low. I didn't like waking up to low blood sugar because my body was freaking out. I was very fidgety and getting an anxiety attack, which made it harder to breathe. Luckily, it wasn't very low just enough to freak me out. I ate something small I keep by my bed just to feel a little bit more normal. After that I went into the kitchen to make my meal and then I ate it. The problem with that is I didn't take any insulin at all because I usually do it right after I check my blood sugar. I didn't that time since I was so low I didn't want to risk it working before I had any food ready. I felt really funny for a while and that's when I realized I didn't take any at all. The funny thing is when I went to eat lunch I checked my blood sugar which was right where they want me to be. So now I'm wondering how much insulin I am needing to really help with my food. I think my body is still producing some of it on it's own just not enough to handle a lot. I'll have to see a little bit more about that.

 I finally went to the gym last night after a while of not going and it felt awesome. I did a really good work out and could just feel myself getting healthy. After the gym my mood started to change and I was feeling happier and more energized. Now I know that the gym is not optional. Everyday or at least some kind of physical activity everyday. It's ridiculous the impact it had on me. Things are going to get better I just have to keep trying. Every single day I have to work at this. It's not optional.

Something A Little More Serious

April 17, 2013
 When I was in the ninth or tenth grade I was diagnosed with severe anxiety and depression. They put me on anti-depressants and had me go see a therapist. Everyday was a struggle just to get out of bed let alone go to school and deal with rude and cruel people. I took the anti-depressants and they seemed to have a reverse effect on me. I wanted to stay in bed all day and I didn't want to do anything at all. I basically did what I had to with more than enough arguing about it and then came home and stayed in my room. I didn't hang out with friends or even care to. My desire to do anything was just completely gone. I stopped taking the anti-depressants because it was only making the problems worse. When I went to see my therapist, which also was a huge struggle all on it's own, I didn't want to be there. The things she told me and the exercises she told me to do to become more happy were such common sense to me and I already knew that if I did them I would feel happier. Knowing these things and having the will to do them are two totally different things. I could know exactly what would make me so happy but with depression you can't do them without putting everything you have into it. You have no motivation or desires or energy for that matter. I stopped going to her after my required 3 visits. I didn't like having to go to someone and having her telling me all of the things I need to do to better my life because I already knew them all.

 That wasn't the problem. The problem was that I had all of these issues that were bringing me down and I felt like I couldn't do anything about it to get better. I also didn't feel comfortable talking to her. I don't like telling people my problems because it's none of their business. Even with this blog I don't think I fully realize how much I am telling people my problems. It's the worst when people talk to me in person about my diabetes or things they've read on my blog because I don't like to talk about it. This is just an outlet for me. This is helping me to feel a little better and find some clarity by the end of my blog post. It's not so people can tell me in person how they understand how I feel or what I'm going through. The truth is they don't have a clue. I don't put a lot of things on here because I don't feel the need to share those for the world to see. I can't even handle when people ask me questions or want to learn more about my diabetes or my struggles. If they text it to me I can answer it easier but I can't do it in person. I think I'm afraid of coming across as a weak person because all I need to be is strong and when I'm in front of someone and they're asking me to tell them about my personal feeling and struggles I sometimes cry talking about it and I don't want to look weak. With text messages and blog posts I can cry all I want writing these and no one even knows that it's happening. I didn't truly use the benefits of a therapist because I was too stubborn to actually let someone in who could help me.

 I didn't accept any help and I just took it day by day. It took a long time and I still had days where my depression and anxiety were very apparent but they started to happen less and less. I became more positive somewhere along the road and always found something good out of an awful situation. I struggled a lot during high school and when something went right, it was so right and everything was great The same was said for when things went wrong, they were all wrong. It was one of the hardest things I have done but I am almost glad I did it that way because it really did teach me a lot about how to be positive and find the little things that make you happy. It helped me to see things in different perspectives and know when I was wrong or at least see how someone else could be wrong in the situation. I learned how to put myself in other people's shoes and how the things I do effected them. I may not have always acted on that but I did always think about it. I have become really good at looking at someone and when I wanted to start judging them I would instead think of all of the things that could have possibly happened in their life that could have made them act the way they do. When I look at someone and I want to just be so frustrated about how wrong they are I can think at least they're trying which is more than most people. No, it wasn't easy, it was a struggle every single day. Was it completely worth it? Not really.. If I accepted help I would have been able to enjoy my "prime" years more than I did. Were there parts of it I will never take back? Yes, I learned a lot about myself and other people. I learned some of what I was capable of. I also learned some great ways to stay happy. Not that I always use them but I know how to.

 I still struggle with it everyday. I have to choose to be happy and positive. With my new life change and things that have already been happening in my life, that I have absolutely no intention of sharing on here, I have been struggling even more.. There are just days I wonder when it's ever going to stop. I know that I am strong enough to do all of this but enough is enough. It's been proven that I am strong, so why do I keep getting hit after hit? I know there are a long list of things I am learning from this and I am growing every single day it's just hard sometimes to see all of the benefits when you're clouded with all of this obstacles. I am trying every single day to be happy and looking for the positive. I am fighting to enjoy my life because so many others are just fighting to keep theirs. It seems so unfair that the people who enjoy life the most are the ones who don't have much of it to live. I have as much life to live as the next guy. Sure, I have a lot of health risks and things that could shorten that life span but overall I am more capable of experiencing the world and living a long and happy life then someone who has been sentenced to only a short life expectancy. I hate that I can't even enjoy my life when there are people fighting just to stay alive. So I have a few diseases.. They won't kill me anytime soon. I shouldn't be sitting here feeling sorry for myself when the people who are dying have such a love for life.. I hate that I can't get over it because in my mind these things I have are nothing serious. They are minute obstacles in my life and for some reason I can't seem to get over them. I don't think I am too stubborn now to accept help but I know that I am still going to be very picky on who I get the help from. I'm going to pick the person who I know will help me the best. I am done feeling sorry for myself because of something I can control. I don't want to feel helpless at the feet of a couple of diseases that can be helped. I know that I need to find someone who can help me through all of my new life changes so I don't want everyone to worry because I know exactly what I have to do. I'll be just fine it will just be a matter of time. I know that I can't stop fighting. Everyday for me is a struggle and I can't lose.

Sister Time

April 16, 2013
 Today was a much better day then the last few. :) It still wasn't much more productive than the other days but I was at least up and doing things. Heather came over today and we went shopping and made some yummy strawberry jam. It's even something I eat often because it's sugarless. Yep, sugarless. It's really good too. You just have to get used to it being sugarless because then it will taste a lot sweeter. It's heaven to me now. Also, while we were shopping I found a diabetic recipe magazine, which I am very very excited about! There are some great looking dishes in there made especially for diabetics. I get so excited now finding delicious things I can eat. I will definitely be a great cook after this.

 When I was at work it was so much better as well and it went so fast! I took pictures of the cutest little boy and he was doing awesome for a 3 year old in front of a camera. Some days I love my job. Luckily, today was one of those days. I even organized all of the stuff in the camera rooms because it was driving me nuts. This job has made me a little bit OCD. I also just realized that one of the things I saw was out of place never got put back. Ugh I love when that happens.

 Tonight I am going to the gym. No if's, and's, or but's about it! I have to start going back and working out! It will help regulate my blood sugars even more and I will feel much happier. Plus I have to get summer ready. I plan on being outdoors a lot and I want to actually be fit and healthy. I will get there. Slowly but surely.

 I'm really happy because my blood sugar levels have stayed pretty regular today. I haven't been higher than I was supposed to at all. I mean I am sure there were a few times before or after I checked my blood sugar but overall it's been really steady. I'm impressed. :) I think my body is finally coming around to the new changes even though my mind has been waiting for quite a while. Silly body making more work for my mind because it doesn't want to catch up and figure it out! It's all going to get better and work out. I just have to give it time and work for it everyday. I'm excited to do it though. :)

I'm So Bad At This..

April 14 & 15, 2013
 I am getting worse at writing daily. I write well when I'm excited about what I'm writing. Well, Sunday I was productive which was a lot better than Saturday. Saturday I stayed in my bed the entire day. I did not want to get up or function or anything. Sunday I at least got up and got ready and then went out and was around my friends. I even put in a load of laundry. Whether or not I did anything with the laundry that's debatable.. Okay, I didn't. Sunday Was a good day though because I felt happy. I didn't have a reason to other than getting ready for the day and feeling good about myself. Sunday wasn't my best day but I still felt happy just because of getting ready and feeling like I looked okay. Now I have to start getting ready and feeling alright about myself and my days might go a little better.

 Now for Monday, I was much more productive on Monday but I didn't feel as great.. Happiness Isn't something that just happens for me. I have to work at it everyday and really think of all the reasons I should be happy and then just ignore all of the things that could make me sad. I can go from happy to sad very quickly if I allow myself. If one thing goes wrong even the tiniest of things I have to really tell myself all of the reasons I should be happy and not let this get me down. Every day for me is a struggle. There are days that I just don't do anything I don't have to and sit there and be completely lazy. I think everyone should have days where they relax but that doesn't mean they have to be ridiculously unproductive. It's not that happiness is something I can never truly have it's just a choice I have to make everyday multiple times a day. It's something I'm working on to be truly happy. It'll be a long hard process but I believe it will be definitely worth it. One day I will be so happy that everyone around me can just tell and they'll feel a little bit happier too. One day it will all be alright, but in order to have that I have to choose EVERY day that I want to be happy. When I start doing that it will just come naturally and I'll be a little more happy every day. I also have to become really healthy, because healthy people are the happiest it seems. I will be much happier when my body isn't struggling just to do normal functions. This is just what I've been thinking about a lot lately. Just being happy and healthy is my biggest desire. One day, starting today. :)

Laziness has won!

April 13, 2013
 Today was incredibly unproductive. I guess that's okay because sometimes you need an unproductive day. I just can't believe I didn't do a thing. I had so many plans and ambitions and I didn't do any of them today. I don't know if I'm just tired or if my motivation is gone completely. Tomorrow I think will be a better day. I'll feel better and I will get done what I need to. I need to start working out again! It's very possible that my lack of energy is due to not exercising. I need to figure it out!

Ambition vs. Laziness

April 12, 2013
 First off, I have never had a harder time writing the date than I do on these blog posts. Every time I start to write the date I have to change it from March to April. It's April, Karrie, get it right! Today has been a battle because I have so many things I want to do and just enough time to do them but for some reason I just can't get myself up and doing them. I wasn't too lazy because I only sat to relax for a little while but I didn't get all of the things done I wanted to. :/ It's okay because I did some things and that's less to do the next day. :)

 I am going to try to branch out in my foods and try more things. If you have any suggestions I am more than open to recipes or your favorite meals. I am sure I can diabetify them. Haha that's not actually a word, even though it probably should be. I bought artichokes the other day to try them out because I've heard how amazing they are. Now I just need an absolutely amazing way to cook them so I like them more. Right now it's very debatable whether or not they are good. I want my vegetables to be like candy to me! Again, any recipes or favorite meals are more than welcome. :)

 Getting a hang of this whole carbohydrate counting is starting to be a bad thing. I am getting so good that I can most meals sneak in some candy or something sweet and so I end up eating a lot of sugar now. I have to stop. That is my next goal, after all the goodies are eaten of course, is to not eat sugar unless I need to. Lucky me I get to need sugar sometimes if I drop. It's one of the quickest ways to bring my blood sugar back up which is exactly what I need. Good luck to me..

 Whenever I am at work my blood sugar always drops towards the end of my shift so when I'm handing people their papers or taking money anything like that my hands start to shake a ridiculous amount. I always wonder if they can notice the paper shaking or if it's just worse in my head because I can feel it and see it. I have noticed that whenever I want to see if I am getting low I just hold my hand out and watch to see if it starts shaking. I hope it's not too noticeable, then again I hope it is in case it gets too low and I need someone to help me. I started noticing when other peoples hands shake and I wonder if they have low blood sugar. I haven't had the courage to strike up a conversation about it but I notice it!

 While I need to get more consistent with my exercising and to do lists I need to also stop being so hard on myself. I am doing so well with all of this and just taking it as it comes and I just keep focusing on all of the things I need to work on. I do need to know those but I need to be proud of myself because I have come a long way in the last month. I have been thrown a lot and I have just dealt with all of it in the most positive and best way I could. It's almost been a month since I was diagnosed and I can't even tell. I have adapted very well and learned so quickly with everything. Even my doctor and dietitians aren't worried about it at all. I don't even have to go in to the dietitian anymore because I took everything they taught me the first couple times and I have just excelled from there.

 The main reasons I think that I have diabetes is because it's made me more independent, healthier, more confident, extremely positive, I'm learning a lot of tolerance, an abundance of patience, and I have realized how great my creative outlets are when I'm stressed. I love writing and I haven't in a long time and now I do everyday. Okay, almost everyday or twice one day to make up for the day I missed. :P I know that I have my down days where I am just angry and I don't understand, now I am just fine with it. This isn't a bad thing at all. If anything it's an incredible learning experience. I have always been a cautious person that wouldn't try anything without knowing all of the outcomes and deciding if it is going to be a good thing for me. Well, now I know more of my limitations which is a great way to cross out a lot of worry. I am not limited from anything with this, I just know what I have to do before so I can stay safe.

 I'm glad that I have this because I have learned a lot of things that I don't know how I would've otherwise. I know how much I can do. I give myself shots everyday like it's nothing. I prick my finger every single day without question. I exercise and eat right. This is just leading me to a very positive place where I can grow and become a better version of myself. Really that's how it should be. I also have learned that I should not ever compare myself to anyone else's accomplishments because they are their own person. They have been through their own trials and given their own strengths. The only person I should compare myself is to the old version of myself. Compare and make note of what I can do better for my future self. I'm glad that I have this because I look forward to so much more. I get excited a lot about the smallest of things. I can feel myself becoming just unconditionally happy. :) That's an amazing feeling. I wouldn't trade that for all the sugar in the world. I know that I have a disease and I can sometimes be sick, but in reality I am healthier than most of the people in the US because I have to be. I have to eat healthy and exercise. I mean I don't absolutely have to, I could suffer the consequences later. I just choose not to because I value my overall health better than letting this insignificant disease get the best of me. That's all it is, a disease. It doesn't dictate my every move or meal it just helps me to choose better for myself.

I'm a Slacker :/

April 11, 2013

 I am getting so bad at this! I don't know why but I just get exhausted after going to work and doing very small chores and crossing the smallest things off of my to do list. I have been so bad I haven't even gone to the gym! I have the ambition and motivation to write and go to the gym and cross off more on my to do list the only problem is that it's stuck in my head. I can't put my ambition and motivation to good use at the moment. It's alright though because everyone needs a break. You can't work 24/7 your whole life or you'll die from exhaustion. I would like to die from natural causes so if I just am not up for something I am not going to do it. 

 It is getting much easier to get up and go to work though because I like being there. I like doing something and feeling like I've accomplished something even if the only benefit to me is a paycheck. There's nothing wrong with going to work just to get a paycheck. There are a lot of people all over who do the exact same thing. The problem is when it starts to just mentally and physically drain you. I still feel generally happy and A-Okay in my health so I am not worrying too much about my current job situation. :) 

 Even without going to the gym my blood sugar levels have started to even out and come back down to normal. I love that. :) You really have no idea how the silliest of things can make such a difference in your life until you have to notice. I notice when my blood sugar stays level how much happier I am. Other people who lose limbs or senses notice all the little things they enjoyed or that were so easy and now they are a lot more difficult. I'm not saying that having diabetes is anywhere close to losing limbs or senses but I do think there are similarities. Just in the fact that I have had to adjust and I now appreciate some of the little things I never did before, so do they. 

 The pen has been an awesome change! It is so convenient and easy I don't know how I did without it before! At first I was worried it wasn't working because my glucose levels were off the charts. Now I just think it was bad timing for the switch to the pen. I was sick when I switched and being sick doesn't help your levels at all. They were ridiculously out of whack for that week because my body is adjusting to all new things. Luckily, now I know how it kind of is when I'm sick and how to deal with it better. There are blessings in everything, you just have to be willing to look. 

Sibling Appreciation Day

April 10, 2013
 Today is sibling appreciation day. I can honestly say I have the best siblings in the whole world. They are always there when I need to talk or advice or even just a huge laugh. I am always laughing around my siblings.

 Today I spent a lot of time with my sister Heather at her house. It was so relaxing and fun. I also saw how much she makes from scratch because of all the bad added ingredients in store bought foods. A lot of the stuff she made was so easy and delicious. It even had a low amount of carbohydrates and I just love that! That means I can have a lot of it. It was so great to relax and yet learn while I was there. Talking with my siblings about things that happened in the past is always a great way to get some laughs in and just feel better.

 When I was on the way home my pain came back in my abdomen  I wish it was constant or didn't happen at all. That is so much easier to diagnose than a random disappearing pain. I am really wishing it's nothing serious and will just give up on bugging me. I didn't end up going to the gym tonight.. I am just feeling lazy which is fine I just need to get back on the ball. I will get back into the gym groove. :)

Just One Foot in Front of The Other..

April 9, 2013
 Has anyone noticed I've been putting March instead of April? I sure didn't haha. I had to go back and change all of the dates on the previous posts because apparently I've lost my mind. I'm starting to wonder if my body is really angry at me for all of this. I got strep throat and I now have abdominal pains and I'm not sure why. I wish I knew what the pains were from. They are a familiar kind of pain which isn't good because that puts my chances of having kids at risk. The pain is also cutting into my work and gym time. I don't have time for random pains that I have no explanation for.

 There is so much going on in my regular life that adding in all of these health problems is a real pain in my tush. Worse than that shot I had there. This one isn't even literal and it is more of an annoyance than a shot in my tush. That is pretty dang bad. I am just hoping that everything will somehow become less stressful and less of an annoyance.

 This week is dedicated to getting all of my normal life affairs in order. As well as figuring out this dang pain because it's killing me! Things will get better. Things will get easier. Life will all be worth it eventually.

Back to Business

April 8, 2013
Since I've been sick with strep throat I haven't been to the gym but tonight is my first night back! I am so excited to be here because I've missed it. I'm hoping that my body is acting up because it's missed the gym as well. My blood sugar has spiked so randomly and stayed higher. I'm worried that my honeymoon phase is over now and I will have to start adjusting my insulin accordingly. We will have to see later this month what the doctor says. I'm hoping by then I can have it pretty regulated back down to normal. I'm always hoping something lately. It's not always just hoping though, most the time it's followed by me working for it.
Today I started to get weird pains in my side after work. I'm really hoping that they were just random and don't plan on coming back. I don't know if I can handle another health issue. It seems like it's just issue after issue lately. I'm hoping that gets much better after I've learned to manage this.
I think it's about time that I go to the store and get some more vegetables. Man do I miss those things. I know that's not normal but I'm craving them. I've also been craving a lot of sweets which isn't helpful to my new diagnosis. Ugh I am just hoping this all gets easier and more manageable. I just need to get my life back on track and keep moving forward.

Don't Make Me Go Back!

April 7, 2013
 The last few days I have just relaxed and done whatever I wanted to. I do not want to go back into the week and have to actually go to work. Does someone just want to pay me to relax? I would very much appreciate it.

 I've had to really watch my blood sugar levels today because they keep getting higher. I'm not quite sure what has changed but they are driving me crazy. I just want them back to normal. I'm worried that with this pen I'm not getting all of the insulin I should be. That makes me a little worried because I have no way of knowing if I am getting all the insulin I need or not. I have a feeling it will be a long couple of days while I figure all of it out. Luckily this week I have a follow up meeting with my dietitian so I can get some more food ideas. :) I love food.

 I am really hoping that this next week goes smoothly. I work a lot which can be a good thing and a very very bad thing. I am hoping it's the good part. I don't know if I can handle a long bad week. It will be the last thing I need. Then again I thought strep was the last thing I needed. I am getting used to jokes that aren't funny.

New Things

April 6, 2013
 I finally got out of the house today. I was starting to go a little crazy not being able to be around people! It's incredible how fast that shot actually started to work though. I was feeling better by the next day, today I can hardly tell I was sick at all. That's incredible what they have come up with since all the new technology. :) I'm happy to live in the world that I do.

 I got some needle tips for my insulin pen. I used up one of my bottles so now I get to start using my insulin pen. :) I used it the first time and I don't think I did it quite right. I got it right the second time though. It really is so much easier and quicker to use. Now that I have my little needle tips I can take my insulin with me anywhere and use it. This is becoming more and more convenient for me.

 It's so sad that this is the most excitement I have had the last couple days. I have been so tired and just sleeping the last few days because I just have no energy at all. I guess in a weird way it's been good because I have gotten a lot of sleep lately. However, I would like to have more energy and just be able to keep going and not feel tired after one trip to get needle tips. Hopefully, I will get back to the gym next week and my energy levels will just jump right up! Hopefully.

I've Been Thinking...

April 5, 2013
 I've been thinking about my last couple of posts and how angry I am. I've been thinking that it's completely alright. I have my whole life to be on good terms with my diabetes, I don't have my whole life to be angry about it. I mean I'm sure I could stay angry forever but what kind of life would I live? I've been so great with all of this since I found out and just taken it as it comes and dealt with it. I haven't truly been angry or let myself think about how big of a life change this is. Not fully anyways. I think that it is very healthy for me to be angry right now and upset because it is a part of the process. I know that doing it now is much better than a couple years from now when I can't do something I really want because it won't be good for my health. If I am angry now I will be able to get that out of the way and I won't spend the rest of my life consumed by anger because I have an illness that will be with me forever. I know that I can't be mad forever, today I am not even really that mad, today I don't even really care, it's just my life. If I wait to be angry I will be incredibly unhappy and I won't be able to have a full life because all of the anger is consuming me.. I understand that there will be times that my diabetes is a real pain in the butt, but isn't there always something that will make it harder to do what you want? Your mom not letting you do what you want because it's dangerous, you have to go to work to earn money so you can't go on that trip to the mall with your buddies, you don't have enough money to go on the cruise, etc etc. Why is this any different? It's not. This is just my constant reminder to stay healthy and keep an eye on myself. It is healthy for me to be angry every once in a while as long as it doesn't consume my life or last very long. I think in the next couple months I won't be angry at all, this will just be how it is. There's nothing wrong with that at all. I'm actually looking forward to having all of that anger out of the way so I can enjoy my life.

 I also wonder if my spirit and mind are a whole lot stronger than my body. I think they are very upset how poorly my body is functioning and acting out. My mind keeps telling me that I can do this and I feel strong enough that I can and then I'm reminded by my dumb body how weak it is. It's just starting to fail with all of these new things I am doing and I would like it to knock it off! I don't have time for a weak body. I take it to the gym, I feed it, I rest it, what more do you want dumb body? Would anyone like to give me a stronger body? One that can handle diabetes or better yet doesn't even have diabetes? I'd appreciate it.

Back to The Hospital I Go!

April 4, 2013
 I am still just feeling awful and I don't want to get out of bed. I know I have a lot of things to do today and frankly I just don't want to. I text my boss hoping that he wouldn't need me for on call but he does. I have to get up and I have to go to work by three. I am still just feeling so crumby and I'm afraid I have tonsillitis and I will be contagious to the children I work with. Now it's time to go to the hospital to see if this is all in my head or if I really am contagious and I shouldn't be going to work. I really don't want to go to work, I feel just awful. I text my boss and I tell him I'm headed up to the hospital and that I'm worried I have tonsillitis and I will see if I can come in. He writes back saying that my coworker is covering it and to just let him know what I have and how long I'll be out. Great, that's awesome! Then I get a text from him asking me if I am handling the job alright. Great, here we go.. I just had a major life change and everything is hitting me like a pile of bricks. Of course I don't like going into work and not being able to get the child to smile or having the parents disappointed in the pictures. Of course I don't like hearing negative things about my work and how I need to change all of these things. Of course I don't want to be there when my head is pounding or when I feel weak and dizzy because my blood sugar is dropping. I'm sorry I'm not chipper all of the time and that I have off days where I just want to get the client out of there as quickly as possible or that I don't want to take pictures. I'm learning how to change my whole life and trying to be more healthy and better. I am trying to get to a normal state where I don't have to worry as much. I'm trying to do all of these things and I am so stressed out about money and having a job and so I have to go to work. I have to keep going like everything is normal. It's just not normal.. It's a whole new world with a thousand more obstacles. I'm struggling and I want to just give up. I want to pretend like I never had diabetes and go on with my life as it was. I want to go back to my normal. I know that I can't, I would just like to. I want a break from it. I don't want to think everyday how am I feeling, how are my glucose levels, is this too many carbohydrates, oh I can't eat that, I can't do that. I don't want to do it anymore I want my life back.

Sporting Bugs Bunny Today!

 I get to the hospital and I am so not excited to be back. I am tired of being at hospitals and having my blood pressure and temperature taken. I go in, it's all pretty routine. I have my vitals taken and then a swab on my throat now I just have to wait for the results. The doctor finally comes in and he says, "Well, I'm glad you came in today. You're strep test came back positive." Great, I have strep throat. Could this day get any worse? There are two options to fixing strep throat, you can take pills for about a week or you can get a shot. It's just one shot and I figure I have a lot of shots that I administer so it can't be that bad. My day can't get any worse right? Ha! The nurses come in with my shot. First, the needle is huge! I know that it's going to hurt a lot more than my little needles I use. Second, the stuff in the shot is very thick and not pleasant looking. Third, she just told me that it would definitely hurt. Last, but definitely not least, I have to have the shot in my butt. It can't be too bad, there's a lot of tissue there it shouldn't hurt that bad.. Wrong. It was a very sharp poke. Also, usually it's just poke, inject the medicine, and I get a band-aid.. Nope. It's poke. Squeeze...still squeezing. Dang this is stinging. They have had that needle in my butt for a long time. This liquid going into me is very thick. I can tell. Are they done yet? She takes the needle out and squeezes my skin and puts a band-aid on. Are you sure you actually took the needle out of my skin because it still feels like there is something jabbing into my skin. Oh man my leg hurts and the pain isn't going away. I don't even want to sit down because it is such an uncomfortable feeling, or stand up. Luckily the pain passed and I was able to go home and just try to relax as much as I can.

 A lot has happened today. I have strep, I can't see anyone for 24 hours, I am worried about my job security, and I still have a very sore throat. I am definitely feeling very down today. I don't want to have diabetes or feel sick or worry how often things will change with my diabetes and how often I will have to change my insulin dosages or daily routines. I don't want to have to worry every day about my glucose or how doing one thing will effect it. I don't want to worry about all of the things that could possibly go wrong with my diabetes. I don't want to have to be strong anymore. I know I have to be and that there is no escaping this I just don't feel like being positive today. I don't feel like thinking this illness is a positive thing in my life. I don't want to be strong today. You know what? I think that it's okay. I have been very strong and positive up until this point. I haven't let everything I've been told affect me very much but it is now. I'm just starting to realize the severity of it and I don't feel like being happy. I feel like I am entitled to feel this way because my life is changed forever. I will never be able to have my old life back. Not unless I want to be very unhealthy. Are there positive things that are coming from this? Yes, there are. I am just not entirely in the mood to be seeing those. I have been hit with problem after problem and I am tired. I am exhausted and right now it's easier to be unhappy and mad than it is to be positive and always looking for a better side. I know this won't last forever because even right now as I'm writing all of these negative things my brain is sitting here fighting everything I'm typing. I am reminding myself subconsciously that it isn't an all bad thing. Everything negative I have to say my head is also coming up with something positive. I know I am going to be fine and this will get much easier, I am just feeling very frustrated that I have to experience everything imaginable right away. It will get easier, I do know that much. I just can't wait until that day comes.

When It Rains, It Pours...

April 3, 2013
 I woke up just feeling crappy. I had a sore throat and a headache and I didn't want to take any medication because I didn't know what would effect my blood sugar and what wouldn't. So, I went to work and I dealt with it. I tried to go home earlier because my head was just pounding, but I couldn't so I toughed it out as best I could. I was very miserable and all I wanted was to go home. No such luck. :(

 After work I went in to the chiropractor and got adjusted a little bit. I learned that it can really help to stay adjusted because it could help the pancreas out and I might start producing insulin like I need. It can also make me really sick or I can get bruised very easily. I'm learning that with almost everything I do now it's a double edged sword because they have no idea how certain things will effect me. I think that's the part I dislike the most is that there isn't just one set routine or cure that I can use, I have to keep changing it constantly and hoping for the best. That's very frustrating to me because I am a planner, I like to have things planned and I hate when I don't know how things will go in the future. Maybe that's just why I got diabetes is because I need to just learn how to go with the flow and let things happen. I'm not there yet. Maybe in a year or so I will be really great at just going with the flow and improvising. As for right now I am feeling very frustrated I will have to change everything every so often to adapt to my ever so changing diabetes. Dang that diabetes.

 I finally got home and I just wanted to collapse. I have felt so sick all day. I spent most the rest of the night in the bath tub because it was so warm and I have been shivering all day. I don't know what's wrong with me but my blood sugar is all over the place, I have a fever, sore throat, I don't want to take any medicine because I'm afraid what it will do to my blood sugar and I might end up back in the hospital. I guess when I said I would have to face all of this head on I didn't think I'd be getting absolutely all that I could. I knew when you got sick you had to be extra careful with your blood sugar levels and I might have to adjust my insulin intake. I was aware that I am more likely to get sick and that the infections could turn into something more serious. I just wasn't aware that I would have to deal with getting sick only 3 weeks after finding out I am a diabetic. I just want to curl up in a ball and wait it out. I don't want to feel sick anymore. It hurts so much I can hardly swallow without it being extremely painful. Luckily, I have Jake and my Mom who are willing to go out and look for some medicine I can have. That helped a little. I think I'll spend the rest of my night in the bathtub and no gym for me. :(

Power of Positive Thinking

April 2, 2013
 I love being productive. If I actually get up and get ready and start working for the day then I feel so much better. That's why I love working and working out because I get up on my feet and I actually do something with my day. This is a great thing because I have to stay motivated or I will just waste my days away. I did take a nap today though. I think it was well earned because I worked so well today and got a lot done. :) Everyone deserves to take a break every once in a while!

 Today I worked my new job again and it was so fun. I work for the cutest little family and they are so nice and helpful. I really am lucky to have such great jobs and bosses who are very understanding. I'm also very excited that my hours are picking up and I work almost every day. I don't like when I have the day off because it usually turns into sleeping. I can't just lounge around anymore because I don't feel very well when I do.

 I'm excited for this summer because I plan on being very active and always doing things. Hopefully by then I have a very good understanding of my diabetes and how to manage it so I can be very active. I'll also be very fit by then I hope. I keep wishing for the best because I would really like things to just be great and good for me. I just hope it turns out for the best like I want. :) I'll make it happen eventually.

Not The Best Day

April 1, 2013
I am not a strong person. I would rather hide from everything than have to face it. I'm not immune to the things around me. I have a big heart and I care way too much and I worry and I just want everything to work out perfectly and they just don't. Nothing will ever work out perfectly. I care when bad things happen. I don't like seeing people who deserve the best and getting the worst. I cry thinking about things people have to go through. I think about how everyone is struggling and how I just can't help. There are some things I can do but I can't fix the world. I put my heart into everything and it gets hurt far too much. Even when I try to close people out and end up hurting them I hurt because I can't let them in.. I feel helpless a lot of the time and like I will never be able to do anything perfectly. I care way too much and I don't know how to be objective all of the time and not feel how others are feeling. I am not a strong person. I have to be a strong person but deep down I wish it would all just go away. I wish I didn't have to give myself shots or watch everything I eat. I want to be able to go out to dinner or the movies and not think ahead of time how much insulin I'll need or what I'm eating or can eat. I would like this one thing to just disappear and it all be a really bad joke. There are some days I wonder why God was thinking I could really handle all of this. There are days I want to lay in bed and pretend it isn't real. I don't like thinking that everything I'm doing to deal with this disease determines how bad the complications will be later in life. I don't like thinking one day my kidneys could fail me or my eyesight will get worse or that I could possibly pass this on to my kids.. I don't want them to have to do all of this and worry. Of course I want them healthy but what child wants shots everyday so their body functions..
Of course there is nothing I can do about this. This is my reality like it or not. I don't get to decide if I am strong or not. I have to be this strong because if I'm not everyday I will feel miserable and lay in my bed all day. The things I can't handle are days like today. I can't handle feeling this helpless and vulnerable. I need the gym and to eat healthy. I need to be positive and feel like I am on top of the world. I need to feel strong and empowered so I can help others who are feeling this low. It's not fun to feel this low and feel so awful. If I'm not working everyday towards being positive and healthy I'm not going anywhere. I will get worse with my diabetes and I won't have as great of life. I have to trust that I am strong enough to do this and I have to for a reason. Soon I will start to really believe that for myself but for now I have to trust that others know I can and that I will have help from the ones who care for me.
This is one of the most sad posts I have put on here. It's not for sympathy or for everyone to feel bad for me. It's the truth. I sometimes have days where I feel like this and I do absolutely nothing. It's to document that I have these and to make me that much stronger when I have another one. It's to remind myself that when I get up and I'm productive and go to the gym and eat healthy then I feel better and I can actually function properly. It's to remind myself that I've always been strong enough I've just never been pushed to see how strong I am. I can't ever give up and I have to always keep pushing. There are wonderful things that will come out of this I just have to be patient and keep trying. Not everything is easy, the things that are most hard will be the most worth it. I just have to keep trusting that. Tomorrow is a new day and it will be more positive. :)