Back to The Hospital I Go!

April 4, 2013
 I am still just feeling awful and I don't want to get out of bed. I know I have a lot of things to do today and frankly I just don't want to. I text my boss hoping that he wouldn't need me for on call but he does. I have to get up and I have to go to work by three. I am still just feeling so crumby and I'm afraid I have tonsillitis and I will be contagious to the children I work with. Now it's time to go to the hospital to see if this is all in my head or if I really am contagious and I shouldn't be going to work. I really don't want to go to work, I feel just awful. I text my boss and I tell him I'm headed up to the hospital and that I'm worried I have tonsillitis and I will see if I can come in. He writes back saying that my coworker is covering it and to just let him know what I have and how long I'll be out. Great, that's awesome! Then I get a text from him asking me if I am handling the job alright. Great, here we go.. I just had a major life change and everything is hitting me like a pile of bricks. Of course I don't like going into work and not being able to get the child to smile or having the parents disappointed in the pictures. Of course I don't like hearing negative things about my work and how I need to change all of these things. Of course I don't want to be there when my head is pounding or when I feel weak and dizzy because my blood sugar is dropping. I'm sorry I'm not chipper all of the time and that I have off days where I just want to get the client out of there as quickly as possible or that I don't want to take pictures. I'm learning how to change my whole life and trying to be more healthy and better. I am trying to get to a normal state where I don't have to worry as much. I'm trying to do all of these things and I am so stressed out about money and having a job and so I have to go to work. I have to keep going like everything is normal. It's just not normal.. It's a whole new world with a thousand more obstacles. I'm struggling and I want to just give up. I want to pretend like I never had diabetes and go on with my life as it was. I want to go back to my normal. I know that I can't, I would just like to. I want a break from it. I don't want to think everyday how am I feeling, how are my glucose levels, is this too many carbohydrates, oh I can't eat that, I can't do that. I don't want to do it anymore I want my life back.

Sporting Bugs Bunny Today!

 I get to the hospital and I am so not excited to be back. I am tired of being at hospitals and having my blood pressure and temperature taken. I go in, it's all pretty routine. I have my vitals taken and then a swab on my throat now I just have to wait for the results. The doctor finally comes in and he says, "Well, I'm glad you came in today. You're strep test came back positive." Great, I have strep throat. Could this day get any worse? There are two options to fixing strep throat, you can take pills for about a week or you can get a shot. It's just one shot and I figure I have a lot of shots that I administer so it can't be that bad. My day can't get any worse right? Ha! The nurses come in with my shot. First, the needle is huge! I know that it's going to hurt a lot more than my little needles I use. Second, the stuff in the shot is very thick and not pleasant looking. Third, she just told me that it would definitely hurt. Last, but definitely not least, I have to have the shot in my butt. It can't be too bad, there's a lot of tissue there it shouldn't hurt that bad.. Wrong. It was a very sharp poke. Also, usually it's just poke, inject the medicine, and I get a band-aid.. Nope. It's poke. Squeeze...still squeezing. Dang this is stinging. They have had that needle in my butt for a long time. This liquid going into me is very thick. I can tell. Are they done yet? She takes the needle out and squeezes my skin and puts a band-aid on. Are you sure you actually took the needle out of my skin because it still feels like there is something jabbing into my skin. Oh man my leg hurts and the pain isn't going away. I don't even want to sit down because it is such an uncomfortable feeling, or stand up. Luckily the pain passed and I was able to go home and just try to relax as much as I can.

 A lot has happened today. I have strep, I can't see anyone for 24 hours, I am worried about my job security, and I still have a very sore throat. I am definitely feeling very down today. I don't want to have diabetes or feel sick or worry how often things will change with my diabetes and how often I will have to change my insulin dosages or daily routines. I don't want to have to worry every day about my glucose or how doing one thing will effect it. I don't want to worry about all of the things that could possibly go wrong with my diabetes. I don't want to have to be strong anymore. I know I have to be and that there is no escaping this I just don't feel like being positive today. I don't feel like thinking this illness is a positive thing in my life. I don't want to be strong today. You know what? I think that it's okay. I have been very strong and positive up until this point. I haven't let everything I've been told affect me very much but it is now. I'm just starting to realize the severity of it and I don't feel like being happy. I feel like I am entitled to feel this way because my life is changed forever. I will never be able to have my old life back. Not unless I want to be very unhealthy. Are there positive things that are coming from this? Yes, there are. I am just not entirely in the mood to be seeing those. I have been hit with problem after problem and I am tired. I am exhausted and right now it's easier to be unhappy and mad than it is to be positive and always looking for a better side. I know this won't last forever because even right now as I'm writing all of these negative things my brain is sitting here fighting everything I'm typing. I am reminding myself subconsciously that it isn't an all bad thing. Everything negative I have to say my head is also coming up with something positive. I know I am going to be fine and this will get much easier, I am just feeling very frustrated that I have to experience everything imaginable right away. It will get easier, I do know that much. I just can't wait until that day comes.