Not The Best Day

April 1, 2013
I am not a strong person. I would rather hide from everything than have to face it. I'm not immune to the things around me. I have a big heart and I care way too much and I worry and I just want everything to work out perfectly and they just don't. Nothing will ever work out perfectly. I care when bad things happen. I don't like seeing people who deserve the best and getting the worst. I cry thinking about things people have to go through. I think about how everyone is struggling and how I just can't help. There are some things I can do but I can't fix the world. I put my heart into everything and it gets hurt far too much. Even when I try to close people out and end up hurting them I hurt because I can't let them in.. I feel helpless a lot of the time and like I will never be able to do anything perfectly. I care way too much and I don't know how to be objective all of the time and not feel how others are feeling. I am not a strong person. I have to be a strong person but deep down I wish it would all just go away. I wish I didn't have to give myself shots or watch everything I eat. I want to be able to go out to dinner or the movies and not think ahead of time how much insulin I'll need or what I'm eating or can eat. I would like this one thing to just disappear and it all be a really bad joke. There are some days I wonder why God was thinking I could really handle all of this. There are days I want to lay in bed and pretend it isn't real. I don't like thinking that everything I'm doing to deal with this disease determines how bad the complications will be later in life. I don't like thinking one day my kidneys could fail me or my eyesight will get worse or that I could possibly pass this on to my kids.. I don't want them to have to do all of this and worry. Of course I want them healthy but what child wants shots everyday so their body functions..
Of course there is nothing I can do about this. This is my reality like it or not. I don't get to decide if I am strong or not. I have to be this strong because if I'm not everyday I will feel miserable and lay in my bed all day. The things I can't handle are days like today. I can't handle feeling this helpless and vulnerable. I need the gym and to eat healthy. I need to be positive and feel like I am on top of the world. I need to feel strong and empowered so I can help others who are feeling this low. It's not fun to feel this low and feel so awful. If I'm not working everyday towards being positive and healthy I'm not going anywhere. I will get worse with my diabetes and I won't have as great of life. I have to trust that I am strong enough to do this and I have to for a reason. Soon I will start to really believe that for myself but for now I have to trust that others know I can and that I will have help from the ones who care for me.
This is one of the most sad posts I have put on here. It's not for sympathy or for everyone to feel bad for me. It's the truth. I sometimes have days where I feel like this and I do absolutely nothing. It's to document that I have these and to make me that much stronger when I have another one. It's to remind myself that when I get up and I'm productive and go to the gym and eat healthy then I feel better and I can actually function properly. It's to remind myself that I've always been strong enough I've just never been pushed to see how strong I am. I can't ever give up and I have to always keep pushing. There are wonderful things that will come out of this I just have to be patient and keep trying. Not everything is easy, the things that are most hard will be the most worth it. I just have to keep trusting that. Tomorrow is a new day and it will be more positive. :)