Something A Little More Serious

April 17, 2013
 When I was in the ninth or tenth grade I was diagnosed with severe anxiety and depression. They put me on anti-depressants and had me go see a therapist. Everyday was a struggle just to get out of bed let alone go to school and deal with rude and cruel people. I took the anti-depressants and they seemed to have a reverse effect on me. I wanted to stay in bed all day and I didn't want to do anything at all. I basically did what I had to with more than enough arguing about it and then came home and stayed in my room. I didn't hang out with friends or even care to. My desire to do anything was just completely gone. I stopped taking the anti-depressants because it was only making the problems worse. When I went to see my therapist, which also was a huge struggle all on it's own, I didn't want to be there. The things she told me and the exercises she told me to do to become more happy were such common sense to me and I already knew that if I did them I would feel happier. Knowing these things and having the will to do them are two totally different things. I could know exactly what would make me so happy but with depression you can't do them without putting everything you have into it. You have no motivation or desires or energy for that matter. I stopped going to her after my required 3 visits. I didn't like having to go to someone and having her telling me all of the things I need to do to better my life because I already knew them all.

 That wasn't the problem. The problem was that I had all of these issues that were bringing me down and I felt like I couldn't do anything about it to get better. I also didn't feel comfortable talking to her. I don't like telling people my problems because it's none of their business. Even with this blog I don't think I fully realize how much I am telling people my problems. It's the worst when people talk to me in person about my diabetes or things they've read on my blog because I don't like to talk about it. This is just an outlet for me. This is helping me to feel a little better and find some clarity by the end of my blog post. It's not so people can tell me in person how they understand how I feel or what I'm going through. The truth is they don't have a clue. I don't put a lot of things on here because I don't feel the need to share those for the world to see. I can't even handle when people ask me questions or want to learn more about my diabetes or my struggles. If they text it to me I can answer it easier but I can't do it in person. I think I'm afraid of coming across as a weak person because all I need to be is strong and when I'm in front of someone and they're asking me to tell them about my personal feeling and struggles I sometimes cry talking about it and I don't want to look weak. With text messages and blog posts I can cry all I want writing these and no one even knows that it's happening. I didn't truly use the benefits of a therapist because I was too stubborn to actually let someone in who could help me.

 I didn't accept any help and I just took it day by day. It took a long time and I still had days where my depression and anxiety were very apparent but they started to happen less and less. I became more positive somewhere along the road and always found something good out of an awful situation. I struggled a lot during high school and when something went right, it was so right and everything was great The same was said for when things went wrong, they were all wrong. It was one of the hardest things I have done but I am almost glad I did it that way because it really did teach me a lot about how to be positive and find the little things that make you happy. It helped me to see things in different perspectives and know when I was wrong or at least see how someone else could be wrong in the situation. I learned how to put myself in other people's shoes and how the things I do effected them. I may not have always acted on that but I did always think about it. I have become really good at looking at someone and when I wanted to start judging them I would instead think of all of the things that could have possibly happened in their life that could have made them act the way they do. When I look at someone and I want to just be so frustrated about how wrong they are I can think at least they're trying which is more than most people. No, it wasn't easy, it was a struggle every single day. Was it completely worth it? Not really.. If I accepted help I would have been able to enjoy my "prime" years more than I did. Were there parts of it I will never take back? Yes, I learned a lot about myself and other people. I learned some of what I was capable of. I also learned some great ways to stay happy. Not that I always use them but I know how to.

 I still struggle with it everyday. I have to choose to be happy and positive. With my new life change and things that have already been happening in my life, that I have absolutely no intention of sharing on here, I have been struggling even more.. There are just days I wonder when it's ever going to stop. I know that I am strong enough to do all of this but enough is enough. It's been proven that I am strong, so why do I keep getting hit after hit? I know there are a long list of things I am learning from this and I am growing every single day it's just hard sometimes to see all of the benefits when you're clouded with all of this obstacles. I am trying every single day to be happy and looking for the positive. I am fighting to enjoy my life because so many others are just fighting to keep theirs. It seems so unfair that the people who enjoy life the most are the ones who don't have much of it to live. I have as much life to live as the next guy. Sure, I have a lot of health risks and things that could shorten that life span but overall I am more capable of experiencing the world and living a long and happy life then someone who has been sentenced to only a short life expectancy. I hate that I can't even enjoy my life when there are people fighting just to stay alive. So I have a few diseases.. They won't kill me anytime soon. I shouldn't be sitting here feeling sorry for myself when the people who are dying have such a love for life.. I hate that I can't get over it because in my mind these things I have are nothing serious. They are minute obstacles in my life and for some reason I can't seem to get over them. I don't think I am too stubborn now to accept help but I know that I am still going to be very picky on who I get the help from. I'm going to pick the person who I know will help me the best. I am done feeling sorry for myself because of something I can control. I don't want to feel helpless at the feet of a couple of diseases that can be helped. I know that I need to find someone who can help me through all of my new life changes so I don't want everyone to worry because I know exactly what I have to do. I'll be just fine it will just be a matter of time. I know that I can't stop fighting. Everyday for me is a struggle and I can't lose.