What A Whirlwind!

September 17, 2013
Wow, what a week already! There has been so much that I've come to realize and appreciate. First off, I want you all to know how amazing the people in my life are. They are so supportive in everything that I do and have faith I can do it even when I'm doubting myself. They inspire me and encourage me to be the best that I can be and they are so willing to stand by me and cheer me on. I don't know where I'd be without them. I love that I have all of this support and I don't take that for granted one bit. I truly am so blessed.
I am also so excited for the opportunity to be in the Miss Utah 2014 pageant. It's propelling me forward and making me want to be a better person. It's making my wheels turn about all of the charities, fundraisers, and amazing opportunities to help but never knew how. I'm so excited to see where this pageant goes but I know even if I don't become Miss Utah 2014 I am going to throw myself into charity work. It's my passion and I just want to help.

  Now for my gym post.. I was so excited to walk into the gym today. I'm putting in a lot of work to become the most fit I can be. I'm eating right and putting my time in at the gym. I am loving working out and having my body sore. I love knowing that all of this hard work is going to pay off. In a little over a month I'm going to be on stage in a swimsuit and all this time at the gym and eating right will give me the confidence to stand there and be judged. It's helping my diabetes immensely. I have kept a steady blood sugar and eating right has been so helpful. I can honestly say I'm rocking my diabetes. It's a part of me now. It's who I am and it's helped define me as a person believe it or not. It's qho I am but I'm definitely owning it. I can't even express my excitement for my physical changes. The best I can do is tell you I honestly can't stop smiling and I want to jump up and down just thinking about it!

 Last but not least, I'm loving this new person that I am. I've let go of the people who weren't pushing me forward. The ones who had little to no words of encouragement. I quit my job and I'm starting a new one in a week that I am more than thrilled about. I have so much more confidence in the person I am. Looking back at who I was and who I am now there is a remarkable change. I still have a lot to work on for myself but I overall am proud of who I am and how far I've come.

 Confidence, strength and gratitude is something I'll be striving for everyday of my life. I'll never stop trying to improve myself. I'm more than excited for the changes! :)

I'll Tell You Why..

September 14, 2013
 I never really thought I needed to participate in walks to cure anything. I thought that the people who were involved already were enough. I always thought they were great causes and felt bad but that was the extent of it. These walks and donation fundraisers are so very, very important and I'll tell you why. They help raise money to find solutions, they help raise awareness, and they help you to care. I know you're probably thinking these are all very well known facts. They are, you're absolutely right, but have you ever taken the time to think about it? Have you taken the time to think about the lives these diseases take over? I never really did. I never put myself in their shoes because I was completely healthy. I've never had to deal with it and so I never took time out of my day to consider what these people are facing. Let me tell you how wrong I was.. Take the time and think about what these people are dealing with. Their everyday lives is something you could never even fathom. Everyday they aren't just worried about the weather or their jobs or drama, everyday they are fighting for their lives.

 I never really thought much of what people deal with when they have an illness until I was diagnosed with diabetes. I knew it sucked from the very beginning, I knew it'd be very hard and something I'd have to work at everyday. I took it in stride and accepted that it was just my new lifestyle. I never thought about how serious it was until I signed up for the Walk to Cure Diabetes. I never thought of how it changed other's lives until I signed up. I give myself 4 shots a day and prick my finger at least the same. I can not even imagine a little kid having to do this. Having to learn how to give themselves shots and make sure they keep an eye on their blood sugar. Having parents who have to do this for their young kids until they can for themselves. The worst being that these children don't even know any different. They don't know what it's like to not have to worry about their blood sugar or making sure they have enough insulin. That's just their life. Granted they are probably really good at managing it and it isn't really a huge life change, but there are people who do have to go through that life change.

 Diabetes is very serious.. You never really think too much about it because you don't have to. I know I never thought it was too serious before I had it. I couldn't have been more wrong. It is scary and a hard adjustment. It's something that I wouldn't wish upon anyone. Please take the time to think about these families and the people that suffer from serious illnesses and do everything you can to help them out. Donate to those jars to help cure cancer or diabetes. Take time out of your day to go to a fundraiser to help raise money. Help raise awareness by being aware yourself. Technology is evolving and we are getting smarter as a species. We should be able to fight these diseases! There is a cure out there somewhere and we all need to come together to help find it. Donating and taking time out of your schedule to go on a walk to show your support is a way to come together. I couldn't be more excited to participate in my first Walk to Cure Diabetes on September 28. I am sure this won't be my last walk or my last fundraising effort. There's so much to fight for and I won't stop helping those who can't help themselves.

 If you want to participate with me in this walk it's on September 28 at Willow Park in Logan. Registration starts at 9 and the walk is at 10. My wonderful sister-in-law has set up a team called 'Hunt for a cure'. You're welcome to sign up under this or be a virtual walker and just donate to the cause under our team name. There are many walks to cure diabetes and in many different places.
http://www2.jdrf.org/site/PageServer?pagename=walk_homepage
That's the link to find out more information on different walks and register for this one. You can also donate on this page at any time. I am so excited to participate and I hope to see a lot of you there!

My New Adventure!

September 6, 2013
 This year I'm competing in the Miss Utah USA Pageant! I've never really been a pageant girl or even given it much thought, but let me just tell you how excited I am! This is a really great opportunity and there's so much I can learn from this. I'll gain more self confidence and learn how to present myself with pride. Something that not a lot of people know how to do. I don't think that we give ourselves enough credit. We are all incredible in our own way and we hardly ever show it. We need to be proud of who we are and walk tall everywhere we go. This is something that I'm going to learn and something I find indispensable.

 Another thing that I will learn and use in my everyday life is I'll learn how to better communicate. It's scary talking to people sometimes, especially when the conversation involves you talking highly of yourself. Society makes it hard sometimes because they want you to be proud and confident, yet when you are they call you conceited and cocky. However, when you are in an interview process what you need to do is speak highly of yourself and tell them you are the right one for this job by telling them what makes you great. This is a skill that I'm going to learn from this pageant that I will use the rest of my life. Something I couldn't be more grateful to learn.

 I know that pageants have a bad representation for being completely about looks and they aren't really substantial or count for anything. I don't think that could be more wrong. Yes, they are looking for an attractive person to represent the state. No, it's not only the way you look that makes you attractive. They're looking for someone with a good looking appearance, but they're also looking for someone with the personality to match. They're looking for people who can hold their own and know how to represent themselves in the best way so they can represent the whole state. They are looking for girls who are physically fit and care about the way they look and feel. I think that is another great reason for doing this pageant. I have gone to the gym and exercised and become a more healthy version of myself. Not solely because of this pageant, but it was an excellent push to get me back into the gym.

 I haven't been in any pageants and I don't know what they're like exactly, all I do know is that I know this will be an amazing opportunity and I will learn so much from it. I already have learned so much just in the preparation process. I'm more confident and I'm more organized and head strong. I already like what this pageant is doing for me, simply making me a better version of myself.

 I'm so excited that I want to take you all along this journey with me through my posts and Facebook updates! I have a new page up the web address is https://www.facebook.com/khformissutah2014. I'll be posting inspirational quotes and letting you know what the next step is for the pageant. If you want to help even more I have been out looking for sponsors to help fund all of the pageant fees that I'll run into. Any little bit helps and I am more than grateful to any help you are willing to give. I set up an account with America First that I am collecting donations in. All of the donations I receive will go strictly to the pageant. However, I am not going to go overboard with expenses I don't need, so if there is more money left over from this then I will be donating all of that to a charity. I like to work for what I have and since this is out of the goodness of other people's hearts I will be paying this forward in some way. If you want to donate the account number at America First is: 28077626

Thank you so much for  your support!

If There's Something Wrong, No One Can Tell You.

August 22, 2013
 I have been to the doctor more times than most people in this last year. I have had numerous things wrong and only gotten a few answers. I've had the same pains for over a year and a half and no one can give me an explanation. The pain has traveled and gotten worse at some points. It's also gotten better at other points. There's no rhyme or reason or any visible pattern so it makes it hard for the doctors to diagnose. They've run more tests than I can count and ones I can't even pronounce. So far everything has come back perfectly. I am all around healthy other than my diabetes.

 Their latest theory is that I have a disease called Celiac. That would mean that I would have another life altering diet change. Nothing with gluten in it. I am still waiting for the results to find out if I do have it or not. If this is the case then I will have to do some major studying on my new diet change. Hopefully I'll just have answers. That's all I hope for at this point.

If I'm Being Completely Honest...

Before you read this I need you to know how hard this was for me to write. I need you to know that this has been saved as a draft for over a month. That I've just now gotten the courage to finish writing this and publish it. I am not proud of the first paragraph, but it happened and I've moved past it. I don't need any lectures or anything of that type because I know it wasn't the smartest thing in the world and I've learned from it and moved on.

August 1, 2013
 If I were to be completely honest I would tell you that this diabetes is kicking my butt. If I were being completely honest I'd tell you that I am trying to avoid it.. I'm trying to avoid being a diabetic. That every day I am terrified of what my future holds and how having diabetes will impact it. I like to act like everyone else and do what they do but I think it's taking its toll. I did so well at the beginning and then I started to forget my insulin and I didn't actually need it. I went back to normal levels and I was fine. I stopped taking it and I was fine.. Then I eventually stopped checking my blood sugar regularly.. Two very bad ideas. Even though I was fine and I am still relatively healthy I can tell the difference. I feel a lot different and healthy when I am watching my blood sugar and taking insulin. Even though I don't need to take it to get my blood sugar down it does help my body not work so hard. I think it will help start getting my emotions at a steady level. I've been hoping that by some freak accident I'm actually type 2 and I just eat healthy and I don't have to worry about it. I'm not. I had a test done and I'm definitely type 1, I just am having an incredible "honeymoon" phase.

 If I were to be completely honest I would tell you that I have been completely selfish about my diabetes. I don't want to have it and so I've avoided it. I've only taken care of it when it was high or low. I haven't been consistent and I have been making it so there are more highs and lows by not being consistent. I have been selfish because I have a very promising life ahead of me and I have been foolish looking past that to live in the moment. I know that most the time it's great to live in the moment and cherish every second you have, but I need to live in those moments making it so I have that many more moments to look forward to. I shouldn't just brush it off as if diabetes is no big deal. It's a huge deal and it's having an impact on every aspect of my life. I'm being selfish because when I have children in the future I need to be healthy and the best way to have healthy pregnancies is doing everything I can now to be healthy. I know it's far off into the future but I need to think about these things. I need to care more about myself for the sake of my children. I also want them to have someone to look up to and really admire. I don't want to be unhealthy and teach them that lifestyle because I don't want them to live that lifestyle. I also have to think what happens if my children are diabetic? I have to be able to handle mine so that I can help them handle theirs. I want to be a good influence and example for my children.

 I need to do this for me and my future and the people that are going to be in my future. I hate the way that I feel when I'm not taking care of myself. You can tell a difference between an unhealthy life and a healthy one and it's monumental. I don't want to keep going back to the doctor so frequently because I keep having health issues. I am nineteen years old. I have a whole future and a lot of ambitions that can't be stopped by health issues.

 If I were to be completely honest I would tell you how much having diabetes has really frustrated and hurt me. I've been in a rut and I have never wanted to be so blatantly against my own disease. I want to have a positive outlook on this because it really isn't  all bad. I am getting healthy, getting in shape, eating right, and being happy. What more could you honestly ask for? It's time to:

• Exercise regularly
• Eat healthy
• Have scheduled meals
• Check my blood sugar regularly
• Use my insulin daily
• Cut out sugar
• Be positive! 

 I'm doing all this because it's better for me. I don't have to do this. I can sit and eat sugar all day and be really ill and shorten my life. I can definitely do that, but I don't want to. I don't want anything to hold me back and I don't want to have any regrets later on in my life. I'm doing this because I want to. I want a better life and a better future. I don't have to be fearful for my future with diabetes because I'm doing everything I can now to help prevent those future complications. If they happen later on in my life then there is a reason. There is something I was supposed to learn from it, just like all the things I'm learning from this. I have incredible self-control it's just a matter of believing in myself enough to do this. No one is going to do this for me. This isn't something that people can encourage me to do and push me along. I'm either going to do it or I'm not.  I am stronger than I have ever given myself credit for and now it's time to see just how strong I really am.

Welcome Back

June 3, 2013
So, for a few weeks I was doing awesome. I didn't take any insulin and I was feeling just fine. I still watched what I was eating and how I was feeling,  but I was doing just fine. I was starting to question whether or not I even had diabetes. As far as I was concerned, I was in an incredible honeymoon phase of my diabetes or I was given the wrong diagnosis.

I should've kept taking my insulin even if they were lower doses because my body wouldn't have had to work so hard. A week or so ago I could feel that my body was just giving up on me. My sharp pains were coming back, I had little to no motivation, and I was getting more headaches than I wanted. I started to check my blood sugar even more often but every time I checked it I had completely normal readings. I was starting to think it was something else or that my monitor wasn't working right. I slowly started taking a little insulin here and then, even though it didn't seem to be helping much.

Last Saturday I was at work and you couldn't believe how awful I felt. Well,  you probably could because I looked like I had the life drained out of me. It was one of the worst days ever. I went to check my blood sugar because I was so worried at how sick I was feeling. This is what I found. Welcome back diabetes! Not really though, because I liked feeling normal again.

I'm still getting back into the routine. I just know I need to keep doing it. I need to be extra cautious and ignore the part of me that still thinks I'm normal. It'll take a lot longer now to adjust but I think I'll be just fine :)

It's Been A Long Time..

May 24, 2013
 I don't really know what to say anymore. I could go into my daily struggles that I'm facing but then it would take away from the purpose of starting this blog. I started this because I was diagnosed with Type 1 diabetes. Well, now it's just a part of my life. Yes, sometimes it's infuriating to have this and to have to change what I do and what I eat. It's frustrating having to think well how is my blood sugar before I go out for this run? I hate wondering how many carbohydrates are in what I want to eat. It's still done a lot of great things for me and it's helped me to become healthier. I am still terrified of what the future holds for me with this diagnosis and what could go wrong. I am really scared, but I am also not living in the future so I have to worry about today and learn to not spend my life worrying what might happen.

 Am I mad that I have diabetes? Yes, I am mad. I'm mad because that is one more thing I have to worry about for the rest of my life. I know it's ridiculous to be mad about such a simple thing when I could have had something much worse.  I know it's silly to be so caught up on it because it is very natural now and just another thing I do like brushing my teeth. I know a lot of people have diabetes and they live very normal lives. I just can't figure out why I am having such a hard time with it. It's not even the disease itself. It's not insulin shots or checking my blood sugar. It's not eating right or exercising. It's simply the fact that I have more potential to have physical complications later on in my life than everyone else. It's just something that comes with this and that's fine. I understand that and I am glad that I have to be healthy and lessen my risk of having physical complications.. What if I want to have a normal teenage girl night with an incredible amount of junk food and movies.. I portion out all my food and calculate all my carbohydrates to see if it's something I can eat with a reasonable amount of insulin? No. I don't want to do that. I don't want to worry before I go out and do summer activities with my friends if it's going to harm my glucose levels. I just want to have a normal life without any serious problems to worry about. I know it's silly and that tomorrow I will go back to being just fine with it and it'll be like any other day.

 Just today.. I want to be a normal teenage girl and not have to worry about something like this. I don't want to have worries or cares or have 3 or 4 different jobs to cover costs of my hospital bills and medication. I don't want my first real bills and responsibilities in my adult life to be something I never asked for or wanted. I want my first bills to be from college tuition or moving out. Something I want to do for me. Not something I have to do for me. I just want to be normal.

Here is Why..

May 16, 2013
 I know that I stopped writing as frequently and my posts haven't been geared towards my diabetes, here is why. I have taken it into my daily life and now that is just how it is. I don't notice it anymore to be quite honest with you. I know when my blood sugar is low or high and I notice it when I have to really watch it when doing something very simple. That's just how it is for me now. I have to be healthy and I have to watch my blood sugars. I have come to terms with it and stopped trying to pretend that I don't have diabetes, because I do.

 The one thing I have noticed is that whenever I go into a professional setting whether it be a doctors office, a dentists office, or anything similar to those I get a lot of questions on my diabetes. It really does effect everything I do. I went to the dentist today and when I told them I was diagnosed with diabetes they spent extra time checking my gums to make sure I didn't have gingivitis. As I told you before when I get a sore or an infection I take a longer time to heal and they told me that if I were to get gingivitis it would be very hard to get it back to healthy. As if I didn't have enough to worry about. ;) Now I have to eat right, exercise, and make sure I take extra good care of my teeth. Silly.

 Another update on my diabetes is I am loving this honeymoon phase, if that's what is happening. I hardly need any insulin at all and my blood sugar bounces right back after meals. It really is getting so much better and easier to manage. That makes me so happy because that is less insulin and less times I need to go to the pharmacy :)

Mother's Day.

May 12, 2013
 Did you know I have the best mother in the world? She puts up with a lot from me and I will always appreciate that. She has always been there to listen and offer advice and most the time been on the receiving end of my craziness. She works really hard to try and make a good life and has always shown me what it means to work and do it it well. My mom worked a 12 hour day on Mother's day so I wanted to be sure she came home to something special.

Oh So This Is Why You Get Healthy!

May 13, 2013
 We are really talking about May 11, 2013. Today is the day I ran a 5k. Oh my goodness it was so much fun! Except for the fact that I'm terribly out of shape and walked most the way I actually ran it! I did have low blood sugar after but I got through it and that's all that matters to me. Plus, it was nothing a little candy bar couldn't fix! It was the Color Vibe 5k so it was even more fun than regular 5k's. I ran it with my sister and her daughter and we were so colorful after! It took me about 40 minutes to run it. I'm hoping by August when I do the next one I will be able to run it a little bit faster.

Before...

After!

Oh Writer's Block..

May 13, 2013
This one is really about my birthday May 10 but I haven't written in so long! It was really just a normal day except I got showered with gifts and singing. :) I love my birthday because it's the one day I can say, "But, It's my birthday!!" I used it a lot. It was really fun for me to see how much everyone cares and I got some pretty sweet presents. All of my family showed me a lot of love on my birthday and I couldn't be more grateful to them. It was one of my best birthdays.

Amirah chose the card and the present all by herself.

Connor picked this out for me

From Dad and Teri 

From Jake. A giant giraffe and a hammock! 

From Jeff, Erik, and Ethan. Just to help me love mail again :)

Jessica and her boys found a way to sing to me through the mail. 

Kayden picked out the card and roses all on his own. Made sure I saw what he wrote :)

The kids all got me a balloon and we had a fun day taking photo booth pictures.

Can't wait to use these presents from my Momma. 

Terena made that super cute card! Ahh

Don't Burst My Bubble

May 6, 2013
 This one you might have to make way for my big head. I think it's great that I am having days like this. I am starting to finally just accept myself and everything that entails. I am a great person with a lot to offer. I have a lot of potential and I am going to make something of myself some day. I have a lot going for me and no one can stop me. I have a big heart and a lot of talents. I think people can see that. Especially when I start to see it in myself. I am going to do something big and meaningful with my life. I just haven't figured out what that is.

 I had an interview type meeting today and it helped me to realize a lot of this. I sat with the guy maybe 10 min at the maximum and he told me he was impressed. That I had a lot of qualities that were very impressive to him. It's true though. The greatest thing I learned as a kid was the value of a dollar and what it means to work and do it well. A lot of people just don't have that anymore. I am also glad I learned to stick to my commitments. He pointed out to me that since my current job puts me on call a lot and just expects me to sit and wait to see if I'm needed to plan that day it shows a lot about who I am. I'm a great person. :) He did ask me what my greatest weakness and my greatest strengths are and on my way home I thought of what those are. They actually happen to be the same thing. I care about people. I actually care more about other people's feelings and always try to put myself in their shoes instead of worrying about myself. It's one of my greatest strengths in a sense that it pushes me to do better for myself so I can hold up others. It's my weakness because I care too much that it's almost destroyed me before. I've had to learn how to stay detached and let go if I couldn't help them.

 I don't always think so highly of myself. However, when I do I feel pretty dang invincible. That's a pretty great feeling. What's so wrong with having some confidence in the person that you are as long as you don't get big headed about it. I am a great person and I have a lot of potential to meet. I'm really glad that I can start showing that to the world. Bigger and better things are headed my way!

I'm Scared.

May 4, 2013
 I know the things that could happen if I don't take care of my diabetes.. Well, what if I do and they still happen? I'm terrified that I am going to lose my sight, function in my kidneys, and feeling in my feet. I'm scared beyond belief that having diabetes and having to manage it everyday won't be a trial enough and I'll get worse and more sick. I just think of the future and it scares me. I don't know what I would do or how I would handle it. I am scared of how my future will be. I am scared if my kids will have it and if I will have to help teach them. I'm scared of having to deal with more of these trials because I don't know how much more I can take.

 It's one thing after the other and I'm running out of energy. I am tired of having to pick myself up after people have knocked me down. My energy level is running low. I don't want to think about it anymore and I don't want to have to worry about it. I know that it is a possibility and I do have to be careful and watch for it. I just don't want to. I want a break from all of this madness. I am truly exhausted.

1600!!

May 3, 2013
 I have made it to 1600 views! Ahh, that makes me feel so great! It's not even that I have frequent viewers it's that someone at least cared to look at least once. That's such a great feeling. Today hasn't been the best and I have been trying to make the best of it and just look for the positive. Some days it's just extremely hard to look for the positive in such a ridiculously crappy situation. There are good things that will come from this it's just a matter of being patient and open enough to see them. Some days I honestly just feel like I'm drowning under all of the trials I'm going through. Luckily, I always have something everyday that I can be grateful for.

 Today I am grateful for my ability to find the positive in things. I've been dealt a crappy hand of cards and told to make the best of them. We all have a crappy hand every once in awhile so you know what I'm dealing with. It's one thing after the other right now and I am just trying to keep my head above water. I'm grateful my body is a lot healthier than it was, disease and all. I am grateful that I am actually working towards all of my goals instead of sitting back and waiting for them to happen. I'm grateful that things have been put into perspective for me and I can finally move on. I'm grateful that good things will always come from bad situations. I'm grateful I am becoming comfortable in my own skin. Finally!

Made it to the top of this mountain again! :)

Feeling Free.

May 2, 2013
 I am starting to finally let go of the people in my life who don't do anything positive for me. It's about time that I start thinking about myself and do what I need to for me. I've always been under the impression that if I didn't help others that I would be a bad person. Even when I really couldn't help others I would force myself to do it because I just didn't want to be a bad person. It does not make you a bad person to let go of everyone else's problems and focus on your own. You are not a superhero and you can't solve everything. Especially when you are having problems of your own it is terribly hard to be able to fix other people's problems. I have learned that I start to put my problems on to other people like they are the ones who have been doing it wrong when it's been me all along. We start to project what we see in ourselves onto other people. There is no logical way you can help someone by telling them things that aren't even wrong with them.

 Letting go isn't always easy. Right now, it's the easiest thing I've had to do. I need to focus on me and what my next steps are in life. Not try to help others when I can't even help myself. I can't be a stepping stool because I feel too weak to hold us both up. I can't be a punching bag because I would be out the first punch. I am not strong enough right now to be that person. I don't want to be that person... I want to feel free and only focus on bettering myself. that's what I need and that's what I intend to have. :)

I Just Can't Help It..

April 30, 2013

 I just can't help finding the simplest of things beautiful. Even though there are a lot of things that haven't gone my way and a lot of it I can't change I just can't help but find something worth waking up everyday for. Today there have been a lot of things stressing me out and bothering me which I actually just cannot change. There is nothing I can do about the problems I'm facing and I know that and still let them get to me. I've found that there are certain things I can do on a daily basis that helps me to just not let these problems get the best of me. I work towards the things I can change and the things I can't I just let them go and hope that they'll work themselves out the way they should. I'm learning to let go of a lot of things because stress and anxiety is the last thing I need. I already get that way when my blood sugar is off so why would I voluntarily add more to that? I wouldn't. 

I just can't get over this beauty.

 My favorite thing to do now is take Trixxy for walks because it's warm, it's exercise, and it's so incredibly gorgeous. I always seem to get something new from taking Trixxy for a walk because I always see something that was just as breathtaking as the day before. I am glad that I'm finding a new appreciation for life because it really is such a difference from the way I was living before. Absolutely everything happens for a reason. My reason to get diabetes is to learn to appreciate life more and be a healthier me. Getting diabetes has pushed me to do all of the things I've wanted to, I've just never had the motivation on my own. This is my kick in the butt to get in gear and work towards my goals. I'm finally doing things I'm proud of and excited to be doing. I might not have my dream career or a lot of achievements under my belt but I have one thing that most people don't. I'm happy with myself, who I am, what I look like, and everything in between. I am one step closer to being truly happy, and that's more than most people can say. :) 

We All Seem To Miss What's Important..

April 29, 2013
 This week I've been doing a lot of thinking and trying to move on from some things.. It has been a really hard week and very confusing. I've also been incredibly frustrated with my diabetes because I have to come up with extra money for it. I have to work harder and look for work that I can get enough hours just to be able to pay for my insulin. I am struggling to keep my head above water and I am receiving a lot of help from my loved ones and a lot of great organizations. Sometimes the support I don't feel that I deserve because I haven't gotten my emotions 100% in check. One minute I can be just fine and totally happy and the next I am anxious or fidgety and sometimes I just sit there and stare at the wall and think. A lot of it has to do with where my blood sugar is at because it really does have that big of an impact on me. I feel bad for the people around me because I am still learning to control it. It's like I have PMS 24/7 and those poor people that catch me at a time where I just don't feel like talking at all to anyone under any circumstances. I have been thinking a lot about how I can just let it all go and become a happier me. I have looked for positive in everything and exercised trying to be as healthy as possible. After all a healthy girl is a happy girl. But today it just hit me..

 I did yoga this morning and it was so nice to just relax and physically let go of everything that doesn't do anything positive for me. It really was rejuvenating to just mentally let go of all of my stresses. It showed in the rest of my day. I would just randomly smile and be excited about the simplest of things. I've had a completely different day all because I have changed my thought process. Being happy is one of my main goals in life. Wherever I am, whatever I am doing all that I wish to be is happy. I'm finally learning how to be happy without depending on someone else to put that smile on my face. I am allowing life to change me in anyway it's supposed to because really, what's the worst that could happen? I might actually enjoy waking up and taking everyday head on? How bad is that?

 I've been dying to move away and get a fresh start but I've realized that every place you go will be the same. The climate, land and people might change but if you really start to look for similarities in places you will always find some. There will always be the same type of people and same type of problems wherever you go. The only difference when you move is you have got it in your head that you don't want that life anymore and you do absolutely everything different to try to achieve that goal. What you are changing is your attitude and what you are willing to accept for yourself. I can make a new life for myself right where I am. Everyday we are given another opportunity to change our lives. Just by changing one thing you did the previous day that you might not have been the most pleased with you are automatically making your day a little bit brighter and changing your future. One thing a day to better yourself.. How hard could that really be? Maybe even work on one thing for a week and the next week find something new to work on. That's all it takes is changing one thing to change your entire week. I'm just starting to change my attitude and only better myself from here on out because it really does make that big of a difference to your well being. I'm letting go of the negativity and the things that aren't good for me or the things that I simply just cannot change. I've been sad for so long and so dependent on others for my happiness that I forgot how to just be happy with out anyone making it that way.

Just a simple weed, but the sweetest gesture.

 Being dependent on someone for my happiness and allowing others to bring happiness into my life are two very different things. Tonight when I was taking Trixxy on a walk I was just feeling very frustrated because it'd been two and a half blocks and I could start to feel my blood sugar dropping. We were just walking and I was getting very frustrated that something so simple and easy was so hard for me now. There have been a lot of times that I will be doing something I used to be able to do just fine and feel my blood sugar drop and I get very frustrated because I have to stop and have sugar. I kept walking for a while because I wasn't going to let this stop me from walking, I would just take it slower. Well, I walked another half block and saw there were some boys out in their yard with their dad and he was fixing up their lawn and had the sidewalk in front of his house closed off. So, naturally I start to go to the other side of the street but that little boy saw Trixxy and was starting to go into the road just to see her. Trixxy started going towards him too so I just went over there with Trixxy to avoid any sticky situation. He was fearless and so sweet. He was so excited that there was a dog and he could pet her. You could just see his face light up. I stopped for a few minutes and let the boys pet her and talked to the dad for a minute. The little boy was so excited and asked me questions and told Trixxy to sit and copied a lot of the things I told her to do. He was so sweet he even picked a flower and said this is for you Trixxy and then gave it to me to keep for her. I thought about dropping the flower quickly so he wouldn't notice but I just held onto it and I kept it until I got home. I thought the whole rest of the walk how different things would have been if I were not a very social person and just kept the dog on the other side of the street and didn't stop to talk or let them play. If I hadn't stopped so they could pet Trixxy and I just was annoyed and hurried to rush the dog away I wouldn't have gotten what I did out of it. This little boy was fearless and went up to a complete stranger and a dog he had no idea how it'd react because he sees the best in the world. He didn't even think about if she was mean and he went to pet her and she went to defend herself. He expects the best out of people and animals alike. I know that sometimes you get hurt by being that way but how great would it be if we were all just a little bit like that.. If we were all a little bit fearless and open to get to know someone before just writing them off as what you've heard or judging them by their looks. If I hadn't stopped to let them play and to chat for a minute I wouldn't have had that moment in my day that made it that much better. Maybe we are all a little bit too busy or too scared to see these little things that happen daily and appreciate them for what they're worth.

It's Been a While..

April 28, 2013
 I guess this is what happens when life catches up to you. I thought about writing everyday but then I just got caught up in other things and lost track of time. I don't hate you by any means, I am just moving on with life. I have to let go of a lot of things that are holding me back and start working towards the things that are going to make me happy. It's become very clear how letting go and starting to just accept whatever good things come your way can change your entire attitude and your day. The first day I won tickets to a private showing for Iron Man 3. I know that it's not anything huge but what a great thing to experience at least once in your life. Then I went to a concert with great company and made even more memories. I am so open to whatever is going to come my way and just making the best of whatever it is and it's making a huge difference in my life.

 I am also trying new things and being more outgoing. I have let the fear of failure hold me back for so long that I didn't do half the things I now wish I would've. What is the worst that could come from trying things? I fail a few times and then try again until I get it? Failure in life is inevitable, all that matters is what you do with your failure and how you let it change you. Failure will change you no matter what whether you let it better your or you let it ruin you that is the decision you have to make. Before I would always let failure ruin me, now I couldn't care less if I fail as long as I try. I can always learn something and how to do something differently the next time. I am glad that I was diagnosed with diabetes because being sad and down on myself isn't an option anymore. It shouldn't have been before but now I can really tell the difference it makes on my health and I want to do everything that I can to be healthy. I am trying new things and taking more chances so that I can get new things out of it. So far a lot of great things have come from this new decision and it's been less than a week. I'm excited for what is ahead of me because it's looking pretty awesome.

Quite The Crafty Soul.

April 24, 2013
 I am going to make it to the gym tonight! I am determined. I really do miss going so much. I am actually headed there right after these blog post. So, that's why it will be short. ;) I have been very crafty to find ways to organize my room and also things I can do for pictures. I am so excited to actually be working towards all of my goals instead of just thinking about them and waiting for something incredible to happen. Now it's happening all around me because I have been looking for it. :) I'm going to get into a better routine and have set times for meals and when I wake up and go to bed. I know it won't always happen that way but it's nice to have a guideline to go by. I think I might take up yoga in the morning just to get me going and hopefully have less stress that day. Anything is worth a shot right?

 I got some papers in the mail from medicaid just looking for verification from my employers. That will be fun. I don't know how I feel about my employers knowing about my current money situation. I guess it's life, it's just not something I would like to be a part of my life.

 I went to the doctor this morning and everything seems to be doing really well. I got some names of opthamologists that I can go see and have my eyes checked. It's not likely that I will have any damage but I would rather be safe than sorry. He also checked my A1C again and it went down by almost a point and a half. Instead of 9.7 I think it was somewhere around 8.3. That makes me so happy! The doctors I see aren't really too worried about me because I am doing so well with it. I've just taken it and made it a part of me. Because, really that's what it is. This is just how it is now and I deal with it. Things are just going to get better and better. :)

These Are The Days I Look Forward To..

April 23, 2013
 I live for these days where everything just seems to be going right and you couldn't imagine it not working out. I got my appointment all set up to see a therapist in the beginning of May. I am actually kind of looking forward to it. I guess since I am more open to it this time and it's my choice entirely, I will get more out of it. I also got my car fixed thanks to my daddy. Well.. Kind of fixed. It's a little torn apart but I now have my heater and AC back which is always a nice thing. Thanks daddy. Then I got approved for my line of credit and also a credit card. I'm excited to have them to build credit and use if I ever have a rainy day. I also have the greatest friends in the world! It was so fun hanging out and just being able to be normal for a bit. Well, as normal as I can get.

 I am also very excited because I signed up to do a 5k. Not that I am all sorts of physically fit for it but I will work until the run and it's just a fun run. It's the color vibe so we are running covered in color. You definitely can't go wrong with that.

 I think that things are definitely going to be looking up for me because I am more open to it. I want it to happen any way it will and I am working for it. I'm not just hoping anymore, I am really working towards something. What that is, I'm not sure at the moment. I do know that it will be incredible when it happens and I can't wait! :)

Too Many Forms, Too Little Time

April 23, 2013
 Today I was definitely lazy, but I did get some forms filled out! I applied for medicaid, which all on it's own is a terrible process. I also got some paperwork back from my insurance. Turns out they don't cover anything for me. Great.. Now I really am hoping that I get accepted for medicaid because I can't keep paying full price for everything. It is so ridiculously expensive.. I might as well be moved out and paying for rent.

 I also didn't make it to the gym.. Yikes! I have to go, I really do. I think I'm just going to set up a designated time and no matter what I have to go. I really wanted to, I was just exhausted when I was getting ready to go... So, I didn't. I just know that it helps me to go and I can't just quit. I have to keep going.

It's Been Long Over Due..

April 21, 2013
 This one is a post that my sister suggested I write quite a few weeks ago. Oops. She wanted me to a blog post all about me. Just to give some background knowledge on my likes and dislikes and my hobbies. I guess I wasn't really to sure what I would say even if I wrote the post. I'm still not but I guess I will just write what I think of. I've always been told that even when I was very little I was incredibly stubborn. I wanted to do things my way or they just weren't going to happen. That still is very true to this day. I also wasn't very nice when I was little. I feel so bad but I was very rude to my sister. I definitely did not want to be beneath her so I would hurt her so I could be the bigger person. I hated it when I did it because I knew I shouldn't be but the stubborn part of me took over and wouldn't let me stop. I never meant to be so rude. I am just glad that I know a little better now.

 I went to preschool and my very first day I decided I was never going back, I never did. When I went to K-12 I started out and I got picked on a lot. I never let anyone know about it but I remember being picked on even that little. I think I was very shy because for some reason I remember having my friend be kind of picked out for me. That's really sad when I think about it. We were best friends until we hit fourth grade. That's when I decided that I wanted a different friend. In the fourth grade I lost my best friend, my grandpa. It was one of the hardest things I've had to go through to date and it took me well into high school to be able to accept it. He came over all of the time and I loved every visit. I always gave him hugs and sat on his lap and played with the pens in his pocket or fiddled with the beads on the necklace he always wore. I spent my whole summer in the hospital with him almost everyday drawing pictures for him and just sitting on the ground to keep him company. I remember so vividly he would always flirt with the nurses. There was one time he asked when his sponge bath was. He was one of my favorite people and it was very hard on me to watch him go.

 When I went to the fifth grade I didn't have any friends and just kept to myself. That's when the teacher asked me who I wanted to be friends with and she made sure that I hung out with whoever I chose. Again, that is the saddest thing I've ever heard. Things were getting better and then, I went to middle school. That's when all the peer pressure and stupid images people have for girls started to get to my friends. I spent my middle school experience trying my hardest to help my friends who were struggling and worried to much about their appearance that it became harmful to themselves. They were too worried about what people thought they couldn't even care less about what they did to themselves. They were just craving the attention. I beat myself up all middle school because I couldn't help them..  I couldn't do anything about it and it drove me nuts. That's when I started to get really depressed and get anxiety. I was around the negativity so much that it became apart of my own life. This is when I started to learn how to be positive and only surround myself with positive.

 I struggled a lot with it and did get some help. That's when I decided that help wasn't for me. I was so used to being the one who helped that I knew how messed up I would sound. I didn't want people to hear me like that. I did everything I could to fix the problem on my own and not need any assistance. I didn't do very well in high school. I struggled a lot around the people because I couldn't believe some of the things they were doing. I didn't like the school work because it was either too easy or too hard and I wasn't one to ask for help.

 The beginning of junior year I got an ovarian cyst which made it very painful to walk up and down the stairs or walk in general. I didn't end up going to a few weeks of school because I just couldn't handle walking around. When I went back I was so behind that every time I tried to catch up I would get overwhelmed and have an anxiety attack. I eventually just stopped going to school. I would avoid it as best I could and my grades slipped heavily. That's when I went to an alternative high school which ended up being so much better for me. I got all the help I needed because there were so little students they were truly focused on your grades and how you were doing. That was one of the best things I could have done.  I ended up graduating and having some pretty awesome grades. Now here I am.

 I have always loved photography and always felt that I had a real talent for it. I hope that one day I can be a professional photographer and travel the world. Writing is another one of my passions. I have always felt that I have a knack for it. Writing books is another one of my hopes for my future. I want to go into psychology as my field of study. I have always helped people when they were struggling and only want to continue that. I want to go into a field where I help troubled youth, because I have been there and I know how it feels. If that isn't enough I would also like to go into cosmetology and  do that on the side. I also hope that I will get the opportunity to be involved in a lot of humanitarian programs. I would love to go to Africa and volunteer with people and also with the animals there. I don't know why but there is something about that culture that just fascinates me. One day I hope I will get to do all of these things. I guess it's just a matter of trying. :)

Forms... :(

April 21, 2013
 I'm not feeling as ambitious today as I am most days. I want to be very badly, but my body is just telling me today is a resting day. I did end up finishing laundry and filling out forms that will hopefully help my medicine and supplies to be lower. I got a card that will hopefully take $35 a month off of my test strips. That's so helpful because they really are expensive. I am not sure how much my insurance covers for it. I won't know until I get forms back but I know right now with what insurance does cover I could pay rent for as much as it costs for my insulin, needles, alcohol wipes, and test strips. I am happy I actually sat down and started to apply for some of these things. I am glad that I have finally stopped allowing my pride to get in the way of the help that I need. I am saving money and I will be able to go and get some professional help on coping with this. My pride never gave me that. I have always felt that I was more than capable to do everything on my own and not ask for help. Which I am.. I am not asking them to do it for me, I'm only getting assistance. Asking for help is saving me so much stress and helping me in more ways than one. I am learning as I am getting help.

 Is it sad that sometimes when I get hurt and I start to bleed I always think, "Well, now I can check my blood sugar without pricking myself." I know it isn't quite the same thing, but I wish it was. I still really do hate needles. I was even giving myself insulin earlier and before I gave myself the shot I said out loud, "I really hate needles." Then I gave myself a shot. I thought about it but I have stopped letting myself freak out and wait five minutes before I can give myself a shot. I've also noticed that when I go to use my lancet I stop breathing and get light headed so I have to breathe before I can push the button. It's funny the things you notice when you have to be watching for it. I never realized how bad my anxiety is about needles until I had to start using them.

 Speaking insulin... I think my body is starting to function too well. I get low blood sugar a lot easier now even eating the same and using insulin. I am using less of it because I don't have to correct as much but I'm thinking that I might get some more carbohydrates in my diet after I talk to the doctor. :) Also, I love the smell of insulin. I don't even know why, I just do. It has a very distinct smell. Maybe my body loves it for me because it needs it so the smell is appealing to me.

 My next goal is to drink more water and have my meals at a set time. I'm getting stronger and healthier day by day, I can't quit now.

Guess What I Can Do!

April 20, 2013
 Well, I know that I can hike to the top of a mountain with diabetes. It wasn't the easiest hike by any means, but I am also very out of shape. What caused me to be panting and tired by the time I got to the trail head I'll never know. I am going to go with the diabetes making it that way and I just powered right on through. I felt incredibly accomplished when I made it into the caves. It was nice because it was so peaceful in there and I had just finished something I wasn't quite sure I could do. It was a great hike with great company and after I felt invincible. :) I am so excited for this summer to be as active as possible and just show myself how much I can accomplish. I can do anything I set my mind to and just hope my body permits it. I am feeling unstoppable.

An overview of the hike with my best friend! We got rained on, hailed on, froze, saw the sun, and got very muddy in the process. Our destination was gorgeous though. 

On top of the Wind Caves

Looking out from the Wind Caves

I made it! Excuse the after hike look. Bleehh

The view outside of the Wind Caves. Stunning.

Inside of the Wind Caves

I love being in the mountains.

Everything up there was just gorgeous.

My very loyal mountain dog. 

This Will Get Easier.

April 18/19, 2013
 I've been doing a lot of cleaning recently. I'm not even sure why. I just feel so much better when I look around and things are clean. Changes are important and I just have to learn to start making some for myself. It's not a bad thing to change as long as it's for the better.

 At work I photographed a guy who was from East Africa and he had to have his friend translate everything he was saying. It was the coolest language I have ever heard. I have always wanted to go to Africa but that just settled the deal. They were really funny guys to work with.

 My body is doing so well with all of these new changes. I am staying in a great range for my levels and I'm hardly ever higher than I should be now. Things are starting to look up more and more I just have to keep  looking for all of the little things. Those are the things that are going to get me through the day and end up happy by the end of it.

Well, That's Odd..

April 17, 2013
 Today when  I woke up I checked my blood sugar like normal, which was low. I didn't like waking up to low blood sugar because my body was freaking out. I was very fidgety and getting an anxiety attack, which made it harder to breathe. Luckily, it wasn't very low just enough to freak me out. I ate something small I keep by my bed just to feel a little bit more normal. After that I went into the kitchen to make my meal and then I ate it. The problem with that is I didn't take any insulin at all because I usually do it right after I check my blood sugar. I didn't that time since I was so low I didn't want to risk it working before I had any food ready. I felt really funny for a while and that's when I realized I didn't take any at all. The funny thing is when I went to eat lunch I checked my blood sugar which was right where they want me to be. So now I'm wondering how much insulin I am needing to really help with my food. I think my body is still producing some of it on it's own just not enough to handle a lot. I'll have to see a little bit more about that.

 I finally went to the gym last night after a while of not going and it felt awesome. I did a really good work out and could just feel myself getting healthy. After the gym my mood started to change and I was feeling happier and more energized. Now I know that the gym is not optional. Everyday or at least some kind of physical activity everyday. It's ridiculous the impact it had on me. Things are going to get better I just have to keep trying. Every single day I have to work at this. It's not optional.

Something A Little More Serious

April 17, 2013
 When I was in the ninth or tenth grade I was diagnosed with severe anxiety and depression. They put me on anti-depressants and had me go see a therapist. Everyday was a struggle just to get out of bed let alone go to school and deal with rude and cruel people. I took the anti-depressants and they seemed to have a reverse effect on me. I wanted to stay in bed all day and I didn't want to do anything at all. I basically did what I had to with more than enough arguing about it and then came home and stayed in my room. I didn't hang out with friends or even care to. My desire to do anything was just completely gone. I stopped taking the anti-depressants because it was only making the problems worse. When I went to see my therapist, which also was a huge struggle all on it's own, I didn't want to be there. The things she told me and the exercises she told me to do to become more happy were such common sense to me and I already knew that if I did them I would feel happier. Knowing these things and having the will to do them are two totally different things. I could know exactly what would make me so happy but with depression you can't do them without putting everything you have into it. You have no motivation or desires or energy for that matter. I stopped going to her after my required 3 visits. I didn't like having to go to someone and having her telling me all of the things I need to do to better my life because I already knew them all.

 That wasn't the problem. The problem was that I had all of these issues that were bringing me down and I felt like I couldn't do anything about it to get better. I also didn't feel comfortable talking to her. I don't like telling people my problems because it's none of their business. Even with this blog I don't think I fully realize how much I am telling people my problems. It's the worst when people talk to me in person about my diabetes or things they've read on my blog because I don't like to talk about it. This is just an outlet for me. This is helping me to feel a little better and find some clarity by the end of my blog post. It's not so people can tell me in person how they understand how I feel or what I'm going through. The truth is they don't have a clue. I don't put a lot of things on here because I don't feel the need to share those for the world to see. I can't even handle when people ask me questions or want to learn more about my diabetes or my struggles. If they text it to me I can answer it easier but I can't do it in person. I think I'm afraid of coming across as a weak person because all I need to be is strong and when I'm in front of someone and they're asking me to tell them about my personal feeling and struggles I sometimes cry talking about it and I don't want to look weak. With text messages and blog posts I can cry all I want writing these and no one even knows that it's happening. I didn't truly use the benefits of a therapist because I was too stubborn to actually let someone in who could help me.

 I didn't accept any help and I just took it day by day. It took a long time and I still had days where my depression and anxiety were very apparent but they started to happen less and less. I became more positive somewhere along the road and always found something good out of an awful situation. I struggled a lot during high school and when something went right, it was so right and everything was great The same was said for when things went wrong, they were all wrong. It was one of the hardest things I have done but I am almost glad I did it that way because it really did teach me a lot about how to be positive and find the little things that make you happy. It helped me to see things in different perspectives and know when I was wrong or at least see how someone else could be wrong in the situation. I learned how to put myself in other people's shoes and how the things I do effected them. I may not have always acted on that but I did always think about it. I have become really good at looking at someone and when I wanted to start judging them I would instead think of all of the things that could have possibly happened in their life that could have made them act the way they do. When I look at someone and I want to just be so frustrated about how wrong they are I can think at least they're trying which is more than most people. No, it wasn't easy, it was a struggle every single day. Was it completely worth it? Not really.. If I accepted help I would have been able to enjoy my "prime" years more than I did. Were there parts of it I will never take back? Yes, I learned a lot about myself and other people. I learned some of what I was capable of. I also learned some great ways to stay happy. Not that I always use them but I know how to.

 I still struggle with it everyday. I have to choose to be happy and positive. With my new life change and things that have already been happening in my life, that I have absolutely no intention of sharing on here, I have been struggling even more.. There are just days I wonder when it's ever going to stop. I know that I am strong enough to do all of this but enough is enough. It's been proven that I am strong, so why do I keep getting hit after hit? I know there are a long list of things I am learning from this and I am growing every single day it's just hard sometimes to see all of the benefits when you're clouded with all of this obstacles. I am trying every single day to be happy and looking for the positive. I am fighting to enjoy my life because so many others are just fighting to keep theirs. It seems so unfair that the people who enjoy life the most are the ones who don't have much of it to live. I have as much life to live as the next guy. Sure, I have a lot of health risks and things that could shorten that life span but overall I am more capable of experiencing the world and living a long and happy life then someone who has been sentenced to only a short life expectancy. I hate that I can't even enjoy my life when there are people fighting just to stay alive. So I have a few diseases.. They won't kill me anytime soon. I shouldn't be sitting here feeling sorry for myself when the people who are dying have such a love for life.. I hate that I can't get over it because in my mind these things I have are nothing serious. They are minute obstacles in my life and for some reason I can't seem to get over them. I don't think I am too stubborn now to accept help but I know that I am still going to be very picky on who I get the help from. I'm going to pick the person who I know will help me the best. I am done feeling sorry for myself because of something I can control. I don't want to feel helpless at the feet of a couple of diseases that can be helped. I know that I need to find someone who can help me through all of my new life changes so I don't want everyone to worry because I know exactly what I have to do. I'll be just fine it will just be a matter of time. I know that I can't stop fighting. Everyday for me is a struggle and I can't lose.

Sister Time

April 16, 2013
 Today was a much better day then the last few. :) It still wasn't much more productive than the other days but I was at least up and doing things. Heather came over today and we went shopping and made some yummy strawberry jam. It's even something I eat often because it's sugarless. Yep, sugarless. It's really good too. You just have to get used to it being sugarless because then it will taste a lot sweeter. It's heaven to me now. Also, while we were shopping I found a diabetic recipe magazine, which I am very very excited about! There are some great looking dishes in there made especially for diabetics. I get so excited now finding delicious things I can eat. I will definitely be a great cook after this.

 When I was at work it was so much better as well and it went so fast! I took pictures of the cutest little boy and he was doing awesome for a 3 year old in front of a camera. Some days I love my job. Luckily, today was one of those days. I even organized all of the stuff in the camera rooms because it was driving me nuts. This job has made me a little bit OCD. I also just realized that one of the things I saw was out of place never got put back. Ugh I love when that happens.

 Tonight I am going to the gym. No if's, and's, or but's about it! I have to start going back and working out! It will help regulate my blood sugars even more and I will feel much happier. Plus I have to get summer ready. I plan on being outdoors a lot and I want to actually be fit and healthy. I will get there. Slowly but surely.

 I'm really happy because my blood sugar levels have stayed pretty regular today. I haven't been higher than I was supposed to at all. I mean I am sure there were a few times before or after I checked my blood sugar but overall it's been really steady. I'm impressed. :) I think my body is finally coming around to the new changes even though my mind has been waiting for quite a while. Silly body making more work for my mind because it doesn't want to catch up and figure it out! It's all going to get better and work out. I just have to give it time and work for it everyday. I'm excited to do it though. :)

I'm So Bad At This..

April 14 & 15, 2013
 I am getting worse at writing daily. I write well when I'm excited about what I'm writing. Well, Sunday I was productive which was a lot better than Saturday. Saturday I stayed in my bed the entire day. I did not want to get up or function or anything. Sunday I at least got up and got ready and then went out and was around my friends. I even put in a load of laundry. Whether or not I did anything with the laundry that's debatable.. Okay, I didn't. Sunday Was a good day though because I felt happy. I didn't have a reason to other than getting ready for the day and feeling good about myself. Sunday wasn't my best day but I still felt happy just because of getting ready and feeling like I looked okay. Now I have to start getting ready and feeling alright about myself and my days might go a little better.

 Now for Monday, I was much more productive on Monday but I didn't feel as great.. Happiness Isn't something that just happens for me. I have to work at it everyday and really think of all the reasons I should be happy and then just ignore all of the things that could make me sad. I can go from happy to sad very quickly if I allow myself. If one thing goes wrong even the tiniest of things I have to really tell myself all of the reasons I should be happy and not let this get me down. Every day for me is a struggle. There are days that I just don't do anything I don't have to and sit there and be completely lazy. I think everyone should have days where they relax but that doesn't mean they have to be ridiculously unproductive. It's not that happiness is something I can never truly have it's just a choice I have to make everyday multiple times a day. It's something I'm working on to be truly happy. It'll be a long hard process but I believe it will be definitely worth it. One day I will be so happy that everyone around me can just tell and they'll feel a little bit happier too. One day it will all be alright, but in order to have that I have to choose EVERY day that I want to be happy. When I start doing that it will just come naturally and I'll be a little more happy every day. I also have to become really healthy, because healthy people are the happiest it seems. I will be much happier when my body isn't struggling just to do normal functions. This is just what I've been thinking about a lot lately. Just being happy and healthy is my biggest desire. One day, starting today. :)

Laziness has won!

April 13, 2013
 Today was incredibly unproductive. I guess that's okay because sometimes you need an unproductive day. I just can't believe I didn't do a thing. I had so many plans and ambitions and I didn't do any of them today. I don't know if I'm just tired or if my motivation is gone completely. Tomorrow I think will be a better day. I'll feel better and I will get done what I need to. I need to start working out again! It's very possible that my lack of energy is due to not exercising. I need to figure it out!

Ambition vs. Laziness

April 12, 2013
 First off, I have never had a harder time writing the date than I do on these blog posts. Every time I start to write the date I have to change it from March to April. It's April, Karrie, get it right! Today has been a battle because I have so many things I want to do and just enough time to do them but for some reason I just can't get myself up and doing them. I wasn't too lazy because I only sat to relax for a little while but I didn't get all of the things done I wanted to. :/ It's okay because I did some things and that's less to do the next day. :)

 I am going to try to branch out in my foods and try more things. If you have any suggestions I am more than open to recipes or your favorite meals. I am sure I can diabetify them. Haha that's not actually a word, even though it probably should be. I bought artichokes the other day to try them out because I've heard how amazing they are. Now I just need an absolutely amazing way to cook them so I like them more. Right now it's very debatable whether or not they are good. I want my vegetables to be like candy to me! Again, any recipes or favorite meals are more than welcome. :)

 Getting a hang of this whole carbohydrate counting is starting to be a bad thing. I am getting so good that I can most meals sneak in some candy or something sweet and so I end up eating a lot of sugar now. I have to stop. That is my next goal, after all the goodies are eaten of course, is to not eat sugar unless I need to. Lucky me I get to need sugar sometimes if I drop. It's one of the quickest ways to bring my blood sugar back up which is exactly what I need. Good luck to me..

 Whenever I am at work my blood sugar always drops towards the end of my shift so when I'm handing people their papers or taking money anything like that my hands start to shake a ridiculous amount. I always wonder if they can notice the paper shaking or if it's just worse in my head because I can feel it and see it. I have noticed that whenever I want to see if I am getting low I just hold my hand out and watch to see if it starts shaking. I hope it's not too noticeable, then again I hope it is in case it gets too low and I need someone to help me. I started noticing when other peoples hands shake and I wonder if they have low blood sugar. I haven't had the courage to strike up a conversation about it but I notice it!

 While I need to get more consistent with my exercising and to do lists I need to also stop being so hard on myself. I am doing so well with all of this and just taking it as it comes and I just keep focusing on all of the things I need to work on. I do need to know those but I need to be proud of myself because I have come a long way in the last month. I have been thrown a lot and I have just dealt with all of it in the most positive and best way I could. It's almost been a month since I was diagnosed and I can't even tell. I have adapted very well and learned so quickly with everything. Even my doctor and dietitians aren't worried about it at all. I don't even have to go in to the dietitian anymore because I took everything they taught me the first couple times and I have just excelled from there.

 The main reasons I think that I have diabetes is because it's made me more independent, healthier, more confident, extremely positive, I'm learning a lot of tolerance, an abundance of patience, and I have realized how great my creative outlets are when I'm stressed. I love writing and I haven't in a long time and now I do everyday. Okay, almost everyday or twice one day to make up for the day I missed. :P I know that I have my down days where I am just angry and I don't understand, now I am just fine with it. This isn't a bad thing at all. If anything it's an incredible learning experience. I have always been a cautious person that wouldn't try anything without knowing all of the outcomes and deciding if it is going to be a good thing for me. Well, now I know more of my limitations which is a great way to cross out a lot of worry. I am not limited from anything with this, I just know what I have to do before so I can stay safe.

 I'm glad that I have this because I have learned a lot of things that I don't know how I would've otherwise. I know how much I can do. I give myself shots everyday like it's nothing. I prick my finger every single day without question. I exercise and eat right. This is just leading me to a very positive place where I can grow and become a better version of myself. Really that's how it should be. I also have learned that I should not ever compare myself to anyone else's accomplishments because they are their own person. They have been through their own trials and given their own strengths. The only person I should compare myself is to the old version of myself. Compare and make note of what I can do better for my future self. I'm glad that I have this because I look forward to so much more. I get excited a lot about the smallest of things. I can feel myself becoming just unconditionally happy. :) That's an amazing feeling. I wouldn't trade that for all the sugar in the world. I know that I have a disease and I can sometimes be sick, but in reality I am healthier than most of the people in the US because I have to be. I have to eat healthy and exercise. I mean I don't absolutely have to, I could suffer the consequences later. I just choose not to because I value my overall health better than letting this insignificant disease get the best of me. That's all it is, a disease. It doesn't dictate my every move or meal it just helps me to choose better for myself.